Coach E's October 9th Fall Cash Campaign

Coach E’s October 9th pick will stink again for the following reasons:

1) The kids have reduced Coach E & Mrs. Coach E’s Love Life to tatters. I’m contemplating taking up jogging just so I can hear heavy breathing again!

2) Coach E just got hit with the runaway train estimate from his contractor for Mrs. Coach E’s bathroom oasis remodel plans. Let’s just say there should have been a decimal point one digit to the left and the first digit should have been a 1 instead of a 2. Look’s like, I’ll be sleeping on the couch for a few nights to atone for the string of profanities that came from my mouth when Mrs. Coach E said “Oh, that’s not so bad!” I’m going to be too poor to afford welfare. I wonder if vending machines take food stamps?

3) Coach E will need all the patience he can muster this weekend. Tomorrow, I’m headed to JAX to see the folks and take Coach E Sr. and Little Coach E to the LSU @ UF game. Coach E will watch his father piddle about for about 2 hours post our target departure schedule and waste valuable tailgating & ticket procurement time. Jesus, please give me strength.

On to the picks….

eViL took care of business below in all the games I care about with his irrefutable analysis. So let’s just cover my capital raising activities to see if I can pay for this doggone bathroom.

The Weekend of the Road Favorite

UConn @ Rutgers (+5)
Scarlet Knights coach Greg Schiano used to be a covering machine. Now that crown belongs to Husky coach Randy Edsall. Take the boys from Storrs to make you some money.

UConn – 31
Scarlet Pimpernels - 20

Auburn @ Kentucky (+6)
This is a slight reach, but I’m desperate. The line has gone down this week from +8. Kentucky just does not have the defense. Take Auburn to cover.

War Eagle – 27
Calipari State - 17

San Diego State @ BYU (+4)
Coach doeth careth not about religion. Coach E treasur’eth the delta faucet fixtures that Brady Hoke’s Aztec turnaround can provid’eth to Mrs. Coach E so’eth Coach E can’eth have’th peace’th in his’eth hous’eth. Amen’eth!

Azteceth – 27eth
Mormoneth – 14 eth

Be Safeth and be humaneth!

October 9th Picks

Greetings everyone.  Since I'm pressed for time, today's picks are brought to you by 6-minute abs, 5-Hour Energy and the late, great 30-second philospher Nipsey Russell.

Many college football teams are still searching for an identity; Florida and Southern Cal I'm looking directly at you.  Look for these, and other teams to further discover their personalities tomorrow.

Speaking of personalities, some of you may not be aware the eViL family recently had a new addition to our household.  My wife's 21 year-old daughter recently moved in with us, making me an instant stepdad.  And as far as you pervs are concerned, my stepdaughter may as well be 5 feet tall, weigh 185 pounds, has a lazy eye growing out of her forehead....in addtion to sporting a kick-ass moustache.  Yep, that's my princess.

I never fully realized just how much brain capacity is wasted by the average 21 year-old, and I never really had an appreciation for their thought process.  It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.  For instance, my stepdaughter recently got a promotion at her job, and is working towards a career in the dental field.  So it should come as no surprise she's currently dating a guy with a neck tattoo.  Nothing screams upward mobility like permantly tattooing your name under your left ear.  You'd think a having a valid passport or drivers license would be enough to prove who you are.

Anyways, they say children change your life forever, and for the first time in my 40+ years of existence I can now say I understand.  The Ike Turner Memorial Bachlor Pad (now sponsored by Martha Stewart and Brighton) will never be the same. 

PICKS!!!

Tennessee at Georgia

The last time these two teams played each other, BOTH with losing records, was somewhere around the turn of the century...the 20th century...1905 to be exact.  I really don't think UGA is as bad as their record indicates, but their record pleases me nonetheless.  I still don't know what to make of Tennessee.  The team that stood toe-to-toe with Oregon has gone AWOL, and it's been replaced with a team in need of counseling.  However I do give the Vols credit for that unstoppable 6-3-4 scheme they used against LSU.  UGA is the taller midget here, and they're playing at home.
We Lost to Colorado- 19
We Shoulda Lost to UAB - 17

Southern Cal at Stanford
Okay, so perhaps I underestimated Oregon last week.  It happens.  But rarely am I wrong about the same team two weeks in a row.  Expect Stanford to bounce back in a big way and CRUSH the Trojans, and also expect Lane Kiffin's facial expression to resemble that of a spoiled 7 year-old girl who didn't get the pony she wanted for her birthday.
Trees - 28
Jimmy Hats - 10

Michigan State at Michigan
If you believe all the talking heads on ESPN, this year's Heisman race is all but over.  Denard Robinson has it locked up, and he's on pace to make Tim Tebow's 2007 numbers look downright ordinary.  Robinson's biggest roadblock to winning the Heisman is his own defense, who can't seem to stop anyone.  France thinks Michigan's defense is weak.  Hopefully Denard Robinson will hold up the rest of the season...if he does he'll be holding up the Heisman in December.  Personally I think he hits a wall over the next month as Michigan starts playing stronger opposition....the wall-hitting starts tomorrow.
Green Monster - 38
Big Blue - 35

Florida State at Miami
Wix and I had lunch at the Wing House on Wednesday, and in between solving the world's problems and discussing the pitfalls of raising children, we both agreed that Miami has too many horses for his Noles to handle.  Miami's running game isn't spectacular, but their offensive line is very good, while FSU's defensive line is undersized.  Jacory Harris is overrated, but FSU's secondary is soft.  Greg Reid still refuses to tackle anyone.  FSU's defensive coaches still don't understand the tight end is an eligible receiver.  Miami will score and score often....FSU will score too, just not as often.
scUM - 28
Noles - 16

LSU at Florida
Just when Gator Nation reached a boiling point over their offensive shortcomings, next up on the schedule is LSU, who just so happens to be coached by a guy riding the short bus.  Last week Les Miles took it to what I like to call "the whole 'nother level" by dragging the opposing coach down to his level....and we're talking about Derek Dooley, an educated man who practiced law before coaching football.  Imagine what Miles will do to Steve Addazio.  Seriously, watching the end of that Tennessee-LSU game was like watching someone toss baby kittens into a bonfire, only more horrifying.  For all that's wrong with UF's offense, LSU's offense is worse.  UF's defense is itching to redeem themselves after last week, and the good guys are playing at home under the lights.  Advantage good guys.
Reptiles - 24
Cajuns - 10

And finally...

Alabama at South Carolina
Alabama begins the "lumberjack match" portion of their schedule, when just about all of their opponents have a week off before facing the Tide.  I liken this to the old Florida Championship Wrestling days (with your host Gordon Solie) when Andre the Giant would take on multiple scrubs like Raul Matta, Iron Mike Sharp, or any of the Funk or von Erich brothers at the same time in a classic lumberjack match.  Just when Andre caught his breath, some fresh new opponent would show up and start wailing on him.  Usually a Pier 6 brawl ensued, and it wasn't uncommon for someone's face to become a crimson mask.  Good times.

South Carolina might be the best team in the East, but as far as the SEC race is concerned, being best in the East is like being the fastest one-legged person on planet.  It only gets you so far, especially when Usain Bolt is waiting for you in Atlanta.  Stephen Garcia still drives Steve Spurrier apeshit over his decision making, but for the first time since Fred Taylor, the ole ball coach has a legit tailback who can control the clock and the game.

Bama is in cruise control, and they simply do not make mistakes.  They are head and shoulders above everyone in college football.  Right now Bama is no worse than the 3rd best team in the NFC West.

Ask yourself these three questions....

• Can you envision a freshman tailback single-handedly beating the Tide? (actually I can, but I was a sophomore at UF when Emmitt did it in way back in 19 and 87) 
• Can you see Stephen Garcia carrying out the ole ball coach's instructions perfectly?
• Do you expect South Carolina to do anything other than what South Carolina normally does in so-called big games, regardless of venue?

That's what I thought.

Tide - 27
Cocks - 13

Be good.
e

Post Bama Beatdown Rant....

I would absolutely LOVE to be a fly on the wall inside Steve Addazio’s head.  Sure I’d have to contend with a bunch of other flies buzzing around, but I really need to know his thought process while preparing for Alabama last week.

First there was the ill-fated jump pass on 4^th down.  Let’s see, first UF unveils Trey Burton against Kentucky.  Seeing as how ESPN Gameday now has about 6 hours of airtime to fill on Saturday morning, they run the obligatory vignette on Trey Burton, calling him “Tebow Lite” and whatnot.  Surely the Alabama coaches wouldn’t be ready for the jump pass, or anything else Tebow-like for that matter.  Not only were they ready for it, but Bama’s defensive coordinator Kirby Smart got the play call into our offense before Addazio did.  Smart was jumping around on the sideline like Wisconsin’s student section after the third quarter.

Then throughout the night you attempt to confuse and befuddle…that’s a synonym for confuse Steve…the nation’s best defense by having your pocket QB run the option, to the short side of the field, with your slowest tailback.  Oh, before I forget Steve, the term “synonym” is used to describe two words that have the same meaning.  As in “Addazio” is a synonym for “functioning retard”.

It’s not as though UF would have won if the play calling was better.  Saturday night wasn’t exactly the finest hour for UF’s defense either.  The truth is Alabama’s just the best team in the country, and nothing short of a perfect game by an opponent combined with Alabama making all kinds of mistakes will change that.  The problem is Bama rarely makes mistakes.  Say what you want about Nick Saban, dude can flat out coach, and he’s quickly making Florida his bottom bitch.

What’s more telling and uncertain is the future of UF football under Urban Meyer.   Addazio isn’t going anywhere…he’s a made man as far as Urban Meyer is concerned.  UF has enough talent to “out athlete” the Kentuckys and Vanderbilts, but when there’s equal talent, expect UF to get outcoached.  It’s that simple.

Lucky for the Gators Les Miles will be on the opposite sideline in Gainesville this weekend.

October 2nd Picks

Welcome to the latest edition of our weekly picks, brought to you by Winter Park Urology, Xanax, ABC Fine Wine and Spirits, Zoloft, and my company’s Employee Assistance Plan. 

This is definitely the weekend for self-medication. 

It’s bad enough my Gators will get a thorough curb stomping in Tuscaloosa tomorrow night.  Today also marks the end of 2010’s third quarter, which means I’ll soon be reminded of how much business I didn’t bring in over the last three months.  Yes, the dreaded quarterly review is coming, and the story is not a happy one.   If all of a sudden my jokes actually make you laugh or my picks start making sense, you’ll know I’m working on this blog full-time.

But it gets even better.  If potential unemployment isn't enough, as I type this I’m only an hour removed from my annual prostate checkup.  For whatever reason, my urologist felt the need to have not one, but THREE residents to sit in on my check up.  It was like a scene straight from the old HBO series Oz. Now I’ve never been to prison before, but….nevermind….

Has anyone seen my dignity?

PICKS!

Texas vs. Oklahoma

What's going on in Austin?  When you get crushed at home by PAC-10 teams not named Oregon or Southern Cal, you have issues.  I’ll stop short of bashing Mack Brown, because Scottie Ray is only a short drive away from Orlando.  But for all of the so-called advantages Texas has over their financially inferior conference brethren, you’d think they would have more than one national title to show for it.  Oklahoma won’t be tested again until they face Nebraska in the Big XII Championship Game.

Sooners – 31

Horns - 14

Tennessee at LSU

Speaking of getting crushed by Oregon, Tennessee limps into Red Stick after UAB took a big steamy dump all over themselves last week.  FIVE missed FGs?  That’s like five FSU-Miami games in one day.  Confidence isn’t exactly at an all-time high for LSU either.  The Tigers passing game ranks 115^th in college football, and I think there’s only 113 teams.  Jordan Jefferson is playing like Weezie Jefferson, and the natives are getting restless in spite of LSU’s 4-0 record.  LSU isn’t as good as their 4-0 record suggests, but Tennessee is just really bad right now.

LSU – 27

Vols – 7

Miami at Clemson

The ACC conference opener for both teams could be a preview of the ACC Championship Game….plenty of tickets left for that one folks.  Clemson wins this one going away after selling out against the run, resulting in no less than three Jacory Harris interceptions.  God I hope Randy Shannon stays at Miami forever.

Clemson – 24

Miami - 13

FSU at Virginia

Christian Ponder is no longer a Heisman candidate.  FSU fans no longer bother to show up for home games, and they have no championship delusions above and beyond winning the Atlantic Division.  Welcome to the acceptance stage Seminole fans.  Look on the bright side…the ACC is garbage and Virginia is no better than the Wake Forest team you shut out last week.

Noles – 42

Wahoos – 17

Georgia at Colorado

A change of scenery west of the Mississippi is just what the doctor ordered for the hapless Dawgs.  Too bad this game doesn’t count in the SEC race.

Dawgs – 17

Buffs – 14

Stanford at Oregon

Andrew Luck is the best QB in the country.  Yeah, I said it Auburn fans.  Jim Harbaugh might be the best coach in the country.  You hear me Alabama fans?  Stanford might be the best team in the PAC-10.  Hey Lane Kiffin, wrap your big weasel lips around that and suck it.  Stanford will abuse and overpower an undersized Oregon team in Eugune tomorrow night.   There’s not much room left on the Stanford bandwagon…..but I got my seat.  Fear the Tree.

Cardinal – 41

Ducks – 24

And finally…

Florida at Alabama

With apologies to my second favorite Alabama fan on the planet Keith Edwards, I refuse to be lulled into a false sense of hope.  Last year Bama struggled to get past Auburn in the season finale while my Gators cruised at home against FSU.  Fast forward ten months where UF finally showed signs of life offensively against Kentucky, while Bama struggled at Arkansas until Ryan Mallett got all generous.

I look at this game much like I look at my recent sales performance.  If Florida does everything right, plays the perfect game in all phases it still might not be good enough.  Defensively UF has to contend with the best set of skill players in college football, and offensively UF has too many question marks in the passing game.  Trey Burton is NOT the answer for what ails Florida’s passing game.  Florida has no game breakers other than Jeff Demps, and he was seen leaving practice on Wednesday walking with a limp.

The best I can hope for is a competitive game where UF competes for 60 minutes, followed two months later by a rematch in Atlanta after 40% of Bama’s team contracts a nasty case of rickets.  If that happens I really like Florida’s chances.  Until then….

Tide – 33

Gators – 14

Be good.

e

Coach E 10/2/2010 Picks

Coach E’s October 2nd picks will stink once again for the following reason:

1) Coach E is due for some bad luck. I’ve managed to go a whole week without sitting on my nuts. I actually made some money last weekend going 3 for 5 in bets. Mrs. Coach E and I got some alone time without the kids last Saturday and had the energy to bring about a moratorium in the 2010 Coach E Love Embargo. And Bishop Eddie Long has finally quit sending me pictures & asking me to come over to his house for spiritual counseling!

It can only go downhill from here.


Moneymakers for Speculators (5 games to bet)

Northwestern @ Minnesota (+5.5)
This is the easiest money of the weekend to be had here with such a low line. Listen up Gopher fans, what goes around come back around given how you ran Glenn Mason out of town. You are Minnesota. Not Nebraska, not Penn State, not Iowa, and damn sure not The Ohio State University. Tim Brewster officially receives his walking papers after another embarrassing loss this weekend.

Purple Wilbons -31
Rodents - 10

Penn State @ Iowa (-7)
If Owl RB Bernard Pierce had not gotten hurt last Saturday, the nation would be talking about Temple’s epic upset in Happy Valley. Simply, this is not a good Penn State team. I hope Joe Paterno sticks it out for another year so he can go out a winner. Iowa takes care of business and flummoxes the true frosh Lion QB.

Hawkeyes – 24
Lions - 10

Nevada @ UNLV (+20.5)
It’s all about the Benjamins folks. As the Pet Shop Boys would say in the classic song Opportunities; Coach E has the brains and you have the looks, let’s make lots of money. Weird question. Why is Nevada the Wolf Pack while NC State is the Wolfpack???

Wolf Pack – 41
Tarkanians - 7

The Ohio State @ Illinois (+17)
We have a battle of wits between Jim Tressel & Ron Zook for the Illnibuck Trophy. Coach E will take Tressel all day. Not an appealing game for a spectator. However; this one is very nice for a speculator. Tressel knows style points will be critical to make the case for the BCS this year.

Buckeyes – 38
Zooks -10

Washington @ USC (-10)
Revenge game for the Trojans. Coming off last week, I’ll take Lane Kiffin to cover the spread as Jake Locker curses himself for not leaving last year and costing his family millions.

Troy – 24
Huskies -13


Sucker Bets (Keep yo’ money in yo’ pocket games)

Georgia Tech @ Wake Forest (+9.5)
The Coach E 2010 College Football tour heads to Winston Salem to view what will undoubtedly be an ugly contest. Jacket QB Josh Nesbitt’s putrid passing ability has gotten worse and Paul Johnson’s defense is softer than a down pillow. However; the Deacon defense resembles a mediocre high school team. Wake doesn’t have a healthy QB after back to back trips to Stanford & FSU. Any financial speculation on the outcome of this one would be insanity personified. Nevertheless, for shits & giggles, I’ll take the Jackets to cover

Ugly & Nerdy Atlanta Style - 31
Homely & Nerdy NC Style – 21

Florida @ Alabama (-8)
I’m sorry Jay Howard. Coach E must humbly disagree with your opinion to the media that Tide RB Mark Ingram is just another player. Coach E simply says nay-nay. Mark Ingram is not just another player. He with a dash of Trent Richardson can be your worst nightmare if they get beyond the front seven and into the secondary. It was nice to see the UF offense humming a bit last week, but that was against Kentucky. Florida manages a backdoor cover but I can't go against Tide QB McElroy. The kid just does not lose.
Slammer Jammer – 24
Orange & Blue – 17

Tennessee @ LSU (-16)
Coach E must apologize to Vol fans for what I’m about to say. The UT program is in a truck stop toilet. You needed an all-timer horrible performance from a kicker and some boneheaded Blazer coaching decisions (e.g. a 54 yd field goal try rather than punting or going for it on 4th and 2 late) to beat UAB at home. Now you have to face LSU on the road. However; you do have a shot at covering the spread because without a doubt, Jordan Jefferson is the worst QB in the SEC. Les Miles and Gary Crowton have the best athlete on the planet in Patrick Peterson and still refuses to put in a package to utilize his talents on the offensive side of the ball. Are those two competing for the Idiot of the Year Trophy or what?

Tigahs – 26
Knox Vegas - 10

Stanford @ Oregon (-7)
The best game of the weekend by far. The strategy for both coaches is very simple. Jim Harbaugh wants to take the ball and physically punish you for 4 quarters while Chip Kelly wants to spread it out & score a point a minute with home run hitters at the skill positions. What’s gonna happen? Hell if Coach E knows. The Magic 8 Ball says Oregon gets revenge at home from last year’s beat down at the Farm. Still a little voice inside of me says that Stanford covers.

Duxx – 28
Cardinal – 24


Texas vs. Oklahoma (-3.5)
Both UT and OU were caught looking ahead last weekend. Sadly for the Horns, they flat out got pistol whipped (pun intended). The Sooners should need no motivation to get up for this game and Stoops redeems his long ago lost dominance against Mack Brown.

Billy Simms - 17
Earl Cambell - 14

Miami @ Clemson (+3)
Take Clemson to win this one outright. I’ll take the steady QB play of Kyle Parker at home over Mr. Interception Jacory Harris any day.

Tigers - 20
Canes - 14

Be safe and be Human!
Coach E