October 30th Picks

 

Happy Halloween everyone.  eViL G and Coach E are headed home to Jacksonville this weekend, and based on what's likely to happen at EverBank/Alltel/Gator Bowl Stadium, chances are we'll both relive and reopen some deep psychological childhood scars.  The good news is there's still plenty of Zoloft and scotch to go around, thanks to the generosity of our sponsors from Florida-Alabama weekend.

Luckily we have a handful of other games that actually matter, games the rest of the country will be paying more attention to than the abortion Coach E and I will be forced to sit through.  I haven't been this excited about a Florida-Georgia game since 1988.

Compounding my misery is the recent revelation that my darling stepdaughter is planning on moving to New Jersey to live with her boyfriend, which has mRs. eViL all in a tizzy.  The hormone level around this place is through the roof.  Thankfully I get some quality time with Coach E this weekend, and I plan on picking his brain all weekend on the finer points of negotiating marital relations while navigating a domestic minefield.....without having to remodel the master bathroom as a major concession.

Lastly our prayers go out the family of the Notre Dame manager who lost his life this week, and the kid from Rutgers recovering from that terrible spinal injury.

PICKS!!

Tennessee at South Carolina
Derek Dooley flew his crazy flag last weekend, comparing his Vols to German armed forces during the attack on Pearl Harbor in Rome while David Hasslehoff was performing in Berlin with the Temptations.  Who knew?  You don't expect a guy with hair that perfect to go all Zookdazzio in front of the media.  This week his Vols will resemble France, and don't expect Darth Spurrier to let up once this thing gets out of hand.
Cocks - 40
Vols - 14

Michigan State at Iowa
It is God's will that no Big 10 team not named Ohio State will ever go undefeated.  It's right there in the Book of Revelations.  Sparty's had a good run, but when you factor in they needed a fluke fake FG to beat a Notre Dame squad who just got waxed by Navy....well now you understand why MSU's coach suffered that heart attack.  Mess with God's will and bad stuff happens.  Michigan State, you're eliminated.
Hawkeyes - 20
Sparty - 17

Missouri at Nebraska
It's Letdown Time in Lincoln.  All week Missouri's squad has been showered with the love and attention that only the finest Big 12 coeds can administer.  Now fellas, think about how motivated you are to do anything after one happy ending...now multiply that times a week...with a college kid's libido. I bet some of you fell asleep just thinking about it.  Nebraska ROLLS Mizzou tomorrow.  Book it....Missouri, you are also eliminated.
Huskers - 45
Tigers - 17

Auburn at Ole Miss
This is the sexy upset pick of the week.  Granted, Auburn needed some luck against Clemson and a late drive to fend off pesky Kentucky, but this team appears to be on a mission.  I think Bama eventually beats them in Tuscaloosa, but until then I expect Auburn to cruise through what's left of their conference schedule.  I must admit, the thought of an Auburn-Oregon BCS title game sounds pretty damn entertaining.
War Eagle - 37
Hoddy Toddy - 24

Oregon at Southern Cal
Speaking of Oregon, they look like the nation's best team, in spite of being smallish on defense.  They will STRUGGLE this weekend against the Trojans.  I have a feeling Oregon will teeter on the brink of elimination before pulling out a miracle finish they'll replay over and over again in Eugene for the next 20 years.
Ducks - 29
Trojans - 27

And finally...

Florida vs Georgia
Does this game deserve the coveted "And finally..." spot?  Probably not.  You have to go back over 30 years to find a Florida-Georgia game with both teams unranked.  I think Coach E and I were 6th graders at Holy Rosary Catholic School back then, most likely in trouble for making fun of Sister Mary Berna's moustache.

What's certain about this UF team is its complete and utter offensive incompetency.  You can hang your hat on that.  I don't care about Urban Meyer vowing to fix the offense, the fact is this UF team has easily one of the worst offensive coaching staffs in America...from Steve Addazio to running backs coach Stan Drayton to QB coach Scott Loeffler to offensive line coach Steve Addazio to wide receivers coach Zach Azzani to offensive coordinator Steve Addazio.  I think that's everyone.

The most telling thing about UF's offense (and coaches) is apparently it takes NFL-ready personnel like Aaron Hernandez, Percy Harvin, Riley Cooper, Louis Murphy and an all-timer like Tim Tebow to succeed.  Take away Harvin and Murphy, and the offense is merely average.  Take away Tebow, Cooper and Hernandez and the offense is downright dreadful.  Meanwhile Steve Spurrier took Chris Doering and made him the SEC's all-time leader in TD receptions. 

The UGA fans I know are cautiously optimistic, some downright paranoid about the possibility of losing to UF's worst team since Spurrier came back to Gainesville.  Personally I think UGA's last three wins were all smoke and mirrors...Tennessee, Kentucky and Vanderbilt aren't exactly elite teams.  But UGA will have the best player on the field tomorow in A.J. Green, and unlike UF, they run an offense that works more often than not.

When you factor in UF's defense losing its mojo recently, the pick is an easy one.  Mississippi State dared UF to stop them from running, and UF couldn't.  UGA will bring a more diverse attack, and quite frankly I'm expecting the worst.  Urban Meyer gets a pass this season, but his program is about to hit rock bottom...with South Carolina and FSU still left to play.

You gambling types out there....take UGA and lay the 3 points.  This is easy money.

UGA - 31
UF - 10

Be good.
e

October 23rd Picks

Happy Friday everyone.  Today's picks are brought to you by ABC Fine Wine and Spirits, Reese's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups and IcyHot medicated patches.

If you added a "What are" in from of this week's sponsors, you'd have the correct Jeopardy question to the answer "This is how eViL gets through the work week without taking a hostage at his real job."

Speaking of that real job....it's calling out for me like right now....

PICKS!!!

Michigan State at Northwestern

ESPN's Mark Schlabach picked Northwestern to knock off No. 7 Michigan State tomorrow.  Mark Schlabach also smokes crack and molests llamas (allegedly).  The Fighting Wilbons are a respectable (and misleading) 5-1, laying waste to college football powerhouses like Rice, Illinois State, Vanderbilt (ugh) and Central Michigan.  Sparty is the first of at least three conference beatdowns for the Wildcats, as Michigan State makes a BCS case no one thought possible when the season started.

Sparty - 34

Wilbons - 7

Nebraska at Oklahoma State

Like Northwestern, Oklahoma State has been living a lie and will get exposed at home tomorrow.....but not as badly.  Nebraska's receivers literally dropped any chance Nebraska had of making it back to the national title game...they get it all corrected and squeak by on the road.

Cornboys - 24

Cowboys - 20

Wisconsin at Iowa

The match-up between Wisconsin's offensive line and Iowa's defensive line will be fun to watch...until Adrian Clayborn and company impose their will and stonewall John Clay and the talented freshman White.  On second thought I take that back.  Watching Iowa and Wisconsin play each other on Saturday is a lot like watching the Ravens play the Giants on Sunday....not exactly fun, but it's good background noise.  It holds your attention for about a quarter then you wind up doing yard work.

Hawkeyes - 23

Badgers - 14

Alabama at Tennessee

Bama continues their climb back in the BCS title hunt, while Keith Edwards cheers on Northwestern, Missouri and Air Force as though his life depended on it.  Bama didn't look all that great last week against Ole Miss, but raise your hand if you're ready to pick Tennessee to cover, let alone win this game.  That's what I thought.

Crimson - 28

Orange - 10

Oklahoma at Missouri

I know absolutely nothing about undefeated Missouri.  I know Oklahoma is talented but very young, and they've had a couple close calls already.  Aw what the hell...

Mizzou - 24

Sooners - 21

And finally....

LSU at Auburn

In hindsight I would have purchased a laptop for Cam Newton...a shiny new MacBook, or perhaps an HP Pavillion from Best Buy.  Now all I can do is wonder what could have been.

Auburn looks like the real deal, on one side of the ball at least.  If they had a real defense (like LSU), they'd be knocking on Atlanta's door.  As it stands now we all must wait patiently for the mother of all Iron Bowls next month.

Like Northwestern, Missouri and eventually Michigan State, LSU is living on borrowed time.  In spite of Les being Les, he's exceeded expectations so far this season, which means he'll likely be back next season.  That's enough to make any SEC fan not wearing purple feel good.

The bottom line is Cam Newton is a beast, and he's proven me wrong at every turn this season.  LSU's defense will be his toughest test to date.  It won't be easy and it won't be pretty, but Auburn marches on.

LSU, you're eliminated.

Plainsmen - 31

Cajuns - 27

Be good.

e

Offenses That Smell Like Tuna, Dropped Title Chances and Cam Motherf***ing Newton

Some thoughts from this weekend:

• Thanks to everyone who texted, e-mailed or called this weekend to make sure I was okay.  I love you all, and yes, I'm okay.  I think my stepdaughter took the loss harder than I did.  How much do I love this kid?  She got to sit up in Champions Club while the Mrs. and I sat with the unwashed masses seven rows up in the south end zone. 
• The good news about the Mississippi State loss, like all Mississippi State losses, is that now changes will have to be made.  It's bad when your opponent beats you by playing what amounts to a four corners offense because they KNOW you can't score.
• I take back everything I said about Cam Newton.  There's still a chance he stinks up the joint at Bryant-Denny, but this cat is a freak of nature and there's no denying he's the Heisman frontrunner.
• Boise State just might find a way to sneak into this BCS title game.  Oklahoma could easily get tripped up by Nebraska in the Big 12 title game, Bama should handle Auburn at home, and Oregon is always good for a loss no one saw coming. 
• Michigan State need not make reservations for Glendale either...you're Michigan State.  I look forward to watching your band do that sweet kickstep entrance at the CapOne Bowl on New Years Day.
• Back to UF's offense.....remember the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy?  There's a scene where Eddie's character is all messed up because Robin Givens was messing with his head.  During this time Eddie's character, who was in charge of the Marketing department, gave an employee who worked under him complete responsibility for producing an ad campaign for a designer fragrance.  The result was a disaster....the ad campaign featured Grace Jones painfully giving birth to this "fragrance" from her woman parts (who wouldn't want to smell like that?), and Murphy's character almost lost his job over it.  This my friends is what's happened to UF's offense...Meyer handed the keys over to an underqualified employee who can add value in some areas (recruiting and offensive line coach) but is woefully over his head as a coordinator.  The result is the abortion you saw Saturday night.  From this point forward my new nickname for Steve Addazio is "Strange" (pronounced stron-JAY).
• Steve Spurrier....what the f**k bro?  It's Kentucky!!!  I know how much you hate kicking field goals but DAY-YAM!!!  You could have wrapped up the East.
• By the time you've read this far, Nebraska's receivers dropped another three wide open TD passes from the kid Martinez.
• I also take back everything good I ever said about Terrell Pryor.
• UF should break out those orange jerseys again, because in two weeks Georgia is going to party like it's 1982.

Coach E's October 16th Midseason Musings

Coach E’s October 16th Midseason Musings:

1) Last week I went 0 – 3. Coach E broke the cardinal speculator’s rule last week. Coach E chased after money and it resulted in making some dumb picks. For the year I’m barely over 50% and that’s just not getting it done. Therefore; I have imposed a brief but needed self-imposed hiatus from trying to augment my income through irrational financial speculation based upon the on-field performances of 18-23 year old kids. This weeks picks are being substituted by a few brief observations:


Please by a show of hands tell me if anyone was surprised by self-proclaimed whistleblower Josh Luchs revelations to Sports Illustrated that college athletes take money from agents…..I’ll wait. Ok, next question. Is anyone unaware that the revenue generating amateur athletic programs of NCAA institutions is all basically one big lie? No hands there either I see. So why is there all this fuss over this story? College athletics is a business and in business, pretty much everyone lies. If you were surprised by this, Coach E says shame on you!

It’s over for Joe Paterno. I’m not saying anything that comes as a surprise, but the time has come for Mr. Penn State to hang it up. The Lions don’t have players and it simply comes down to recruiting. It’s been over 3 years since either Joe Paterno or Galen Hall have made a house visit to a high profile recruit with Terrelle Pryor being the last. Joe you don’t have the energy to fix this mess. Please walk away now. With Nebraska coming to the Big Ten, it’s just going to get worse. Just because you built it, doesn’t mean you get to keep it forever.

Coach E can’t tell who wants to win the Big East. Clearly, the best personnel in the conference reside in Morgantown, West Virginia. However; they even seem to play down to the level of their opponent as evidenced in last nights USF game. If the Mountaineers can’t run the table in the Big East, no one from that conference deserves to go to a BCS game. The only team that can compete with WVU is Cincinnati and I’m not sold on them either.

The magical ingredient needed to turn the fortunes of a football program around seems to be a dash of Stoops. The Stoops brothers all seem to have a touch of Lazarus in them like the Michael Clarke Duncan character in “The Green Mile”. Bob turns around Oklahoma. Mike turns around Arizona, and now Mark has turned around Florida State’s moribund defense.

Coach E maintains that Oklahoma will face The Ohio State University in the BCS title game and nothing has happened yet to change my opinion/prognostication. The only flies in the ointment can come from either Nebraska (if they beat OU in the Big XII title game) or Oregon if they run the table. OU just has to win out and OSU beats a pedestrian Wisconsin and Iowa.


And Finally…A Note to Gator Offensive Coordinator Steve Addazio
Nothing burns my shorts more than watching coaches who are so divorced from reality that they cannot make adjustments to save what is entirely salvageable. That description fits Gator offensive coordinator Steve Addazio to a tee! Last week you had 2nd and goal from the LSU one-yard line and come away with no points. What frosted me was not the fact that UF missed 2 field goal attempts; it was the village idiot Addazio’s demeanor when the offense came back to the sideline. You said nothing and you did nothing while the guys were huddled around you. I watched you and your offense watching the defense when LSU had the ball. Watch this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhCUh3BRib4
You did not say a word! You sat there just watching the game like you had bought a doggone ticket. Attitude reflects leadership! Steve Addazio you lack the basic leadership traits that are required of a school crossing guard. I put last week’s loss squarely on your shoulders. UF was never to be a National Championship contender but there is just too much talent on the offensive side of the ball for this garbage. With Addazio in charge, there isn’t a kid on the offensive side of the ball that scares an SEC defensive coordinator. Pick up the slack you moron! Hey, how about a downfield pass over 10 yards to get defenses from playing a doggone 4-4-3 and eating up your predictable 2nd down and 10 dive play you idiot.

October 16th Picks

Greetings everyone.  Welcome to the team building edition of the weekly picks, brought to you by your good friends at the cable company, Universal Studios and my favorite Orlando Chrysler Jeep dealership, aka the customer who helped yours truly make his sales quota for October.

Our sales team is playing hooky today.....instead of providing excellent customer service through tailored communications solutions for Central Florida's enterprise business customers, we're going to Islands of Adventure to let off some steam.  So while you guys are working, or giving the appearance of doing work while setting your fantasy lineups, I'll be riding the Hulk, eating funnel cakes and hitting the "ignore" button on my Blackberry all damn day long.

So what did we learn this week?  Agents pay players.  Coal miners in Chile pull tail like rock stars.  Playoff baseball is just as boring as regular season baseball.  Steve Addazio is still an idiot.  Brett Favre channeled his inner Tiger Woods, and saved TMZ the trouble of having to take pictures.  Based on eyewitness accounts, Brett Favre will never be mistaken for Brandon Spikes.

That's all I got...Islands of Adventure is calling...

PICKS

Mississippi State at Florida
Tensions are running high in Gainesville, as the natives continue to take aim at Steve Addazio and his abysmal play calling.  Addazio has been quoted as saying the team is improving and he's pleased with the progress.  Addazio also thinks the Chilean mining industry has never been safer.  Addazio could learn a thing or two from MSU coach Dan Mullen, who will give an uninspired UF squad all they can handle before realizing they're Mississippi State.
Gators - 21
Other Dawgs - 16

Boston College at Florida State
Raise your hand if you had FSU beating Miami by four touchdowns.  Anyone?  Usually BC gives FSU fits with their power running game and stingy defense, but I expect them to take a beating similar to what we saw at Joe Landshark Pro Robbie Player Stadium last Saturday.
Noles - 45
Eagles - 17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
The Dawgs seemed to have found themselves last week at home against Big Orange.  The positive momentum continues as Aaron Murray and A.J. Green play pitch and catch all day.  Who needs Caleb King?
Dawgs - 45
Vandy - 7

South Carolina at Kentucky
The new SEC darling ventures into Lexington, where the 'Cats gave Auburn all they could handle last week.  History tells us South Carolina should tank a couple games at some point, but these Gamecocks look like a bunch on a mission to make some history of their own.  Someone needs to check Marcus Lattimore's birth certificate to make sure he's not 34 years old.
SEC East Champs - 27
SEC East Chumps - 3

Ohio State at Wisconsin
ESPN Gameday is in Madison tomorrow, easily one of our nation's most underrated college campuses.  Sure their coeds are pasty and they eat lots of cheese, but the campus is absolutely beautiful.  Camp Randall will be rocking, but the Badgers are a little too vanilla on offense and too slow on defense  to keep this one from getting out of hand.  Little known fact....my first job interview after graduating from UF was in Madison.  I was a finalist to drive the Weinermobile for Oscar Mayer.  (Insert your own joke here.)
Brutus - 31
Bucky - 20

Texas at Nebraska
The blackshirts are back, while Texas is reeling after back-to-back losses.  Texas, like my Gators, still haven't found their offensive identity, other than being offensive.  Nebraska on the other hand has a rising star at QB and plenty of incentive to make a statement nationally, even if Texas no longer looks like Texas.
Huskers - 28
Horns - 10

And finally....

Arkansas at Auburn
Screw ESPN Gameday and screw the Big 10.  This game will have a bigger impact on the national championship picture than any other on the slate tomorrow.  Auburn, Arkansas, Alabama and LSU will play what amounts to a round robin tournament to see who gets to play South Carolina (or pound the snot out of Florida) in Atlanta.

Ryan Mallett got most of the pre-season hype, but Cam Newton is getting all the love as the SEC's top QB, even if he's still a little wet behind the ears.  I'm tempted to take Arkansas on the road, but my gut tells me Mallett throws at least 3 picks trying to imitate Jay Cutler.  Auburn has the better defense, and they're playing at home.

The SEC West picture gets a little clearer...Arkansas, you're eliminated.

War Eagles - 24
Hawgs - 20

Be good.
e