2015 Pre-Season Rant - The Will Muschamp Nightmare is OVER!!!



"Over the past three seasons, UF's average pass attempt was this long."
- Jim McElwain

Greetings everyone.

Last year eViLG took the season off, to the point where 2010 Urban Meyer and Jamarcus Russell questioned my work ethic. 

 

Now I’m not making any promises for 2015, but if I do take some time off again you won’t hear me making bullshit health excuses like Urban did 5 years ago.  Hey Urbs, anyone with their ear to the ground in Gainesville knows what really went down (allegedly), who they went down on, and why our wide receiver coach suddenly found greener pastures in Baton Rouge.  Streets talk Urban, but I digress… 

I’m in a strange place this season folks, turned the corner in life if you will.  This December my parents will be married 51 years.  The ring bearer in their wedding, now in his mid-50s, has a 6-7, 300 pound beast of son who’ll play left tackle at UNC Chapel Hill this fall.  My mother’s best friend, a close family friend who passed away many years ago, her grandson is UF freshman wide receiver Kalif Jackson.  Nearly 30 years ago I graduated from Bishop Kenny High School…God’s alma mater…with the father of UF freshman center Tyler Jordan. 

So as the season wears on I’ll struggle with balancing the right amount of smart assed commentary with the understanding that these kids are in fact kids.  

Where was I...oh yeah, football season… 

Have you ever been let down by the same person so many times, perhaps a friend or family member who can’t get his/her shit together, to the point where you celebrate when they do something so basic, so common, so ordinary relative to other people?  That’s the collective psyche of Gator Nation right now.  Ponder that this weekend, when UF completes two consecutive forward passes in the same drive and you lose your gotdamned mind. 

Then you question why you’re celebrating this nonsense in the first place, causing you to resent that person even more for compromising your standards.  Shouldn’t we expect better?  Is a 9-3 or 8-4 season really worth doing backflips? 

 

Sadly Gator fans, the answer is yes.

 

Jeremy Foley hired a retarded caveman to run my alma mater’s football program, and in less than four years Captain Cavemen damn near burned it to the ground.  He invented ways to lose games never before seen in the history of college football. 

 

Hold an opponent to 95 yards of total offense and still lose?  Check. 

 

Get four takeaways in the first half and still lose?  Check. 

 

Hold an FCS opponent to ZERO PASSING YARDS and still lose...at home?  Check. 

 

Continue to start Jeff Driskel when the one-armed kid on UF's basketball team is clearly a more accurate passer?  Check. 

 

Even last year's Georgia win felt tainted, because it bought that ape Muschimp more time.  I never really had legitimate reason to HATE Auburn, now I do.  Screw that guy. 

Enter Jim McElwain and his folksy swagger, his goofy smoothness, his “that’s what it’s all about” tagline…seems like he gets it.  Coach Mac made Charlie Strong his bitch in the 2009 SEC Championship Game.  He convinced Jeremy Foley to pry open his wallet for an indoor practice facility.  He miraculously healed Antonio Morrison’s knee.  HE HAS HEAD COACHING EXPERIENCE!!!  WAS THAT SO HARD JEREMY???  WAS IT??? 

From all accounts he’s saying the right things and our kids appear to be buying in.  Time will tell if he’s the answer.  Twenty-five years ago Gator football was in a similar funk, mired in mediocrity, and we brought in an offensive-minded coach who changed everything. 

 

Hopefully history repeats itself.

Be good.

eG

Thursday Morning Hangover

You see that guy up there, rocking the ugly 1987 orange mesh jersey, wearing the same #22 eViL G wore while winning back-to-back District 3-3A triple jump championships at legendary track and field powerhouse Bishop Kenny High School?

 

You see him? 

That guy knows a shitty quarterback when he sees one.  That’s why he’s not smiling.

He had the misfortune of playing with some of the worst signal callers in UF history…Kyle Morris, Donald Douglas, some guy named Lex Smith. 

Oh, he knows.

He even had an offensive coordinator who thought it was a great idea to use him as a decoy. 

He knows shitty coaching too.

So who can blame him for blasting our coaching staff for continuing to play Jeff Driskel?

If you had a dollar for every Gator fan who agreed with Emmitt, you’d have more than enough cheese to buy out Nick Saban and Kevin Sumlin’s respective contracts, with enough money left over to cover Aretha Franklin’s food budget for a couple months.

Gator Nation is frustrated.  We’re frustrated because our coach is either too stubborn or too stupid to see what the rest of world sees.  Stevie Wonder can see it.

No need to apologize Emmitt, you said what had to be said.

Be good.
-eG

eViL G's September 20th Picks



More scrong accusations against Jameis Winston....real scrong....

Greetings everyone.

 

At the urging of one of my 26 followers, I bring you an abbreviated weekly picks column this week, featuring a school I love and another school I hate.

 

And with apologies to Dorothy Williams in Jacksonville, it’s not Hate Week, but some of this week’s adult language is essential to the plot.

 

So let’s do this thing….exactly two….

 

PICKS!!!

 

 

Clemson at Florida State

 

Jameis Winston….doing all he can to make Johnny Football look like Mother Theresa off the field.

 

Recently Jameis took a break from his rigorous course load of nine credit hours at The Florida State University to entertain our future leaders and retail assistant managers of this great nation.  As the story goes, at the urging of no one in particular, Jamies stood on a table at the FSU student union and yelled, “FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!!!”

 

Given what Winston’s gone through recently, this is analogous to O.J. Simpson yelling, “SLICE THE BITCH UP AND KILL HER PUNK ASS BOYFRIEND!!!” at a 1995 USC booster function.

 

Apparently a good number of FSU students didn’t initially recognize Winston uttered those vulgarities, because they could clearly understand the words that came out of his mouth.  But it quickly became obvious to everyone Winston was the culprit, because university cops working at the student union immediately looked the other way.

 

SEC Network ran with the story immediately, and everyone had a good chuckle when Paul Finebaum had to explain to Tim Tebow what that phrase actually meant.

 

None of this matters, as FSU thumps Clemson without Winston playing the first half.  It just goes to show what an idiot Jameis Winston is.

 

If you’re scoring at home, the Jameis Winston penal code (tee hee hee) goes like this:

·        Allegedly rape someone: No suspension

·        Shoplift crab legs from Publix, where shopping is a pleasure: Suspended 3 baseball games

·       Encourage the student body to do what he did (consent optional) – miss the 1^st half vs Clemson

 

Charlie Ward should punch Jameis Winston in the face next time he sees him.

 

As far as the game goes...

 

Noles – 34

Tigers – 17

                                                                                                                                                                        

And finally...

 

Florida at Alabama

 

So which is it Gator Nation?  Is Kentucky Football legit, or has Florida reached another level of sucktitude under head coach Shrill Musclecramps.  To increase the likelihood of being correct I’m going with both.

 

Musclecramps needed the Kentucky win much more than this game.  He got it, and his seat is hotter than it’s ever been.

 

Four years in the program…FOUR…and with the best offensive coordinator UF’s had since Dan Mullen, Jeff Driskel still looks lost at times.  Thank God for Demarcus Robinson, who from all accounts has stopped partaking in activities that violate team rules, even if those activities are legal in Washington and Colorado.

 

UF finding a go-to receiver seems to have coincided with UF needing some playmakers in the secondary.  Gator defensive backs got abused repeatedly in the second half, most often by a freshman wide receiver playing varsity tackle football at the University of Kentucky.  That’s like MIT losing a science fair to West Virginia.  Amari Cooper is already open. 

 

And while Bama’s QB’s aren’t exactly lighting the world on fire right now, none of their QBs are named Jeff Motherfucking Driskel. 

 

Advantage Alabama.

 

Waiting for Jeff Driskel to miss a deep pass, not recognize an obvious corner blitz, hold on to the ball too long before getting sacked, or throw a 4 yard pass on 3^rd and 12….well, it’s a lot like having sex with Jameis Winston.  You can kick, scream and object to it all night long, but you won’t stop it from happening.

 

Matt Jones looks mortal this week against a real defense, and Driskel continues to Driskel against a real defense.  Vernon Hargreaves suffers a season ending back injury from carrying the entire secondary.  Demarcus Robinson continues to shine while Clay Burton and Latroy Pittman combine for at least three drops.  Kyle Cristy averages 62 yards on 11 punts.

 

Nick Saban gives a dry press conference afterwards.

 

What everyone expected to happen, happens…UF gets fucked right in the pussy.

 

Tide - 31

Gators – 10

 

Be good.

eG

eViL G's Labor Day Pi....wait, what?

"There is no better place than 'The Swamp.' That opening on the big screen with the alligators, it's the best ever. When the Gators run out of the tunnel, it is absolutely the moment of moments in college football."
— Lee Corso, ESPN College Football Analyst

Gather ‘round everyone…we need to talk.

I’ve decided to take some time off this year to focus on career and family.  However I’ll post from time to time when the spirit moves me.  I still love me some Florida Gators and college football.  However after listening to callers on Paul Finebaum’s show, I’m beginning to question whether I love it enough.

I’d like to thank my loyal followers, all 22 of you, for not making it seem as though I’ve been talking to myself for the past five years.  I would encourage you all to look elsewhere for marginally entertaining college football commentary and woefully inaccurate predictions.  You have no shortage of options.

As I understand it, there are still thousands of tickets available for UF’s season opener Saturday night against Idaho.  UF’s student section issued a press release earlier claiming many would forego the 7:00 kickoff “because they have to wash their hair”.  I’m bald, but I understand.

I’ll be watching, and I’m cautiously optimistic about this team.  Last time we brought in an offensive minded coach from Duke, things worked out.  It can’t get any worse than last year.

Go Gators, and until we meet again…be good.

eG

2014 UF Recruiting Recap - Defense

 

Alright, now moving on to defense.

Defensive End:

Justus Reed, Taven Bryan, Gerald Willis III

I know Reed is a BUCK and Willis is sort of that hybrid inside/outside guy like Bullard. But for simplicity's sake I'm listing them as DE's. For as much shit as I give Muschamp for being a shitty evaluator of offensive talent, I give him more leeway on his defensive evaluations. Reed seems to fit the part physically, but his competition level sucked. However, he's a guy that Muschamp identified early and jumped on so I'll give the benefit of the doubt. I have to say I'm extremely skeptical of taking a kid from Wyoming. Initial reports are that the staff is impressed with Bryan physically. I'll wait and see here. Willis is a stud. What the group lacks is an elite pass-rusher. The two guys they had initially targeted (Carter and Featherston) would not have helped much, IMO. For all his accolades, Carter plays like a pussy. Featherston weighs 125 lbs and won't see the field for a few years anyway. Overall an acceptable group, but I'll go with B- here.

Defensive Tackle:

Khairi Clark, Thomas Holley

If nothing else, Muschamp is leaving our next coach stacked with DT's. Clark and Holley are both elite prospects, and combined with Brantley and Bostwick from last year this is a home run. One more body would have been nice, but this is an A.

Linebacker: None...fucking NO ONE!!!

Don't give a shit about what we have on the roster, this is a flat F. You never go a year completely ignoring a position. It's like they were thinking Christian Miller or bust. No excuses for this shit.

Cornerback:

Jalen Tabor, Duke Dawson, J.C. Jackson, Deiondre Porter

I'm leaving Dawson at CB for now, because that's where he was told he'd play. I think Dawson may be able to play the nickel like Brian Poole did, though his best position is safety. Tabor and Jackson make this class a home run. I like the versatility of Porter and added him here because that's where they claim he'll start. I would love to see him flip over to WR instead because we need playmakers and the guy is a super athlete. This is an A+. Two bona fide studs (Tabor Jackson), one very good prospect (Dawson) and one versatile athlete type.

Safety:

Quincy Wilson

I'm not sold on Wlson. I think his real value was in getting our foot in the door in South Florida at a school that produces good talent. He was also thought to be a pied piper type to help reel in Cook and Lane. He's worth the scholarship, but his ceiling is basically being another Jabari Gorman. Adams would have been a home run. Wilson is a C+.

 

ser bueno
- Senor Chupacabra