September 18th Picks

Welcome to Week Four of the weekly picks, brought to you by TV Azteca and the Heisman Memorial Trust.  The matchups this week aren’t nearly as interesting or intriguing as last week, but there’s been plenty of news off the field to keep things lively. 

Reggie Bush channeled his inner Pete Rose, coming clean with his misdeeds a mere 5 years after initially proclaiming his innocence.   In spite of how great you were at USC, I can’t give you a pass on this Reggie...giving back something you didn’t deserve before it gets taken away isn’t noble.  What IS noble is Reggie voluntarily dealing with that attention whore Kim Kardashian.  Her maintenance meter is perpetually stuck on “H”, she takes WAY too many pictures of herself and she makes really bad sex tapes.  It’s not a stretch to suggest that KK’s hips will need their own zip code by 2013, at which point Reggie will probably give her back too.

Speaking of attention whores, this Mexican reporter suing the New York Jets is pissing me off too.  Yes, she’s beautiful and fun to look at.  But you shouldn’t be allowed to sue professional football teams because you’re beautiful and fun to look at, if for no other reason you’re only relevant because you’re beautiful fun to look at.  It’s like a john suing a whorehouse claiming he didn’t feel loved.

Finally, what would Florida-Tennessee week be without a little off the field drama?  Chris Rainey is suspended indefinitely…which means he’ll miss the Tennessee and Appalachian State games…for felony stalking.  As the story goes, Chris sent a text to his girlfriend that read “Time to die”.  

I have two theories as to why I think this is all one big misunderstanding.  I think it’s possible that once the authorities take a look at Rainey’s cell phone, they’ll discover the text message immediately preceding the so-called threat read “A time to be born and…”.  The next two text messages read “A time to plant”, followed by “A time to reap”.  Everyone knows Chris Rainey is a huge fan of The Byrds, and the biblical undertones clearly point to a Tebowesque influence.

I also think it’s possible Rainey was merely attempting to be a good, helpful boyfriend.  By now you may have seen pictures of this gal on something called “Facebook”.  I think Chris was concerned about his woman binging on Hagen Daaz, cheese steaks and sausage biscuits, but his “Time to diet” text message was mistakenly autocorrected by his iPhone. 

The truth is out there.

PICKS!!!!

Brigham Young at Florida State

BYU is a welcome sight for FSU.  What better way to shake off a nationally televised beatdown than by laying the smack down on a bunch of slow, unathletic Mormons?  I predict Christian Ponder throws for 300 yards and Greg Reid returns a punt to the house, but not before whiffing on no fewer than three open field tackles.   FSU shakes off their OU hangover by winning a shootout in front of 25,000 empty seats at Doak.

Noles – 41

BYU – 31

Alabama at Duke

Who says SEC schools don’t schedule tough out of conference road games?  Okay maybe they don’t.  Duke loves to pass the football, and at times they’ll test Bama’s green secondary with a wide open offense that Steve Addazio couldn’t begin to comprehend.  Meanwhile Bama will test Duke in all phases of the game.  In spite of having some of the brightest minds in all of intercollegiate athletics, Duke will fail miserably.  Duke gave up 50+ points to Wake Forest.  Mark Ingram is back even though he won’t be needed.

Tide – 49

Devils - 17

Mississippi State at LSU

Mississippi State should have beaten Auburn a few weeks back, and it’s clear Dan Mullen has the SEC’s "other" Bulldogs on the right track.  Les Miles on the other hand is VERY close to wearing out his welcome in Baton Rouge.   That said I think LSU has too much talent to cancel out the Gump-like IQ of their coach.  But don’t be surprised if he finds a way to turn a blowout into a close game, or a close game into an upset.

LSU – 24

MSU - 21

Arkansas at Georgia

Speaking of wearing out your welcome, Mark Richt is in a MUST win situation this weekend after a sloppy loss to Spurrier’s Cocks.  UGA can kiss the SEC East goodbye with another loss this week. Everyone was gushing over Arkansas and Ryan Mallett before the season started, and I think he’ll have his way with an emotionally fragile UGA team….until UGA realizes they still have Florida and Auburn left to play.  Houston Nutt channels his inner Les Miles and chokes this one away.

Dawgs – 28

Hawgs - 24

Arizona State at Wisconsin

Cute, tanned coeds vs. cheese-fed pasty coeds.  That’s about all I know (or care) about either of these schools. 

Badgers – 24

Sun Devils – 14

Iowa at Arizona

See Arizona State at Wisconsin, but substitute corn for cheese.

Iowa – 34

Arizona – 16

Clemson at Auburn

These two schools are mirror images of each other.  Their school colors are about the same, and both schools have a loyal fan following.  They have the same boring mascot.  Both schools aren’t quite an afterthought nationally, but they’re pretty damn close in spite of sending plenty of kids to the NFL.  It seems like both teams finish somewhere around 8-4 every season.  Both schools would rather beat their in-state rival than win the conference title…as if they have a choice.  What better way to settle this game than a couple overtime periods, right?  Wrong.

SEC Tigers – 35

ACC Tigers – 14

Texas at Texas Tech

This matchup doesn’t have the same national profile it did two years ago, and Texas hasn’t really looked like Texas yet.  Can Tuberville take advantage?  Probably not.

Horns – 27

Red Raiders - 10

And finally….

Florida at Tennessee

This matchup doesn’t have the national profile it did over a decade ago, but that’s not stopping eViL G and Coach E from making yet another trip to Knoxville.  It’s by far our favorite road trip in the SEC, and there’s nothing better than heading directly into hostile territory knowing you SHOULD win.  Sensing my optimism about UF’s chances, the Tennessee ticket office did its best wet blanket imitation, sticking us 30 rows up in Neyland’s upper deck.  I’m considering leaving my binoculars at home and packing a telescope instead, and I’m retaining the services of a Sherpa.

Much has been made about the Chris Rainey arrest, and he will be missed…primarily on special teams.  Rainey was Florida’s best return man, and he’s good for blocking a punt every now and then.  Offensively Rainey is expendable, especially when you consider UF’s offense has looked its best operating out of the I-formation with a 250lb TE instead of a 180lb slot receiver. 

Florida’s defense has been solid, but not great.  Seeing as how Tennessee’s weakness offensively (passing game) is Florida strength (secondary), I expect Tauren Poole to carry the ball early and often.  I’m not sold on Tennessee’s QB, in spite of his bloodlines.  I do expect UT to have success running the ball early.

Can Tennessee win this game?  Sure they can, but they’ll need some help.   At the end of the day I think Florida’s defense is good enough to shut down a Tennessee offense that isn’t quite ready for prime time.   Florida’s offensive line is finally healthy, and while everyone is expecting a big game out of Jeff Demps, some kid named Gillislee winds up stealing the show in the second half.

Gators – 31

Vols – 20

Be good.

e