September 4 Picks

Welcome to Week One of the now infamous weekly college football picks, brought to you by Chatroulette, Twitter, Facebook and any other popular method of letting everyone know what you’re doing at any given point in time, no matter how disturbing. Brandon Spikes, I’m looking at you….and I’m shocked, disappointed, yet impressed all at the same time. What do you feed that thing?


Anyway, I’d like to thank the good people at Blogger for allowing me to take our little football forum to the nether reaches of the internet. And I’d like to thank my loyal followers…all both of you. I’m still trying to figure out how to get editing privileges for multiple users (if it’s even possible), so in the meantime just use the comment feature to be heard.

You know what time it is…..

PICKS!!!

Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee
I’ve been working undercover during the off-season, moonlighting as an annoying rival poster over on the VolNation.com message board. Now I fully realize that the good people over at VolNation.com aren’t representative of all Tennessee fans, but the overwhelming sentiment there seems to be gloom and doom following the departure of Lane Kiffin. I liken it to a girl who just got dumped by her playboy boyfriend, after all of her friends (and enemies) tried to tell her what a scumbag the guys was. Now she’s dating a “nice guy” who will never be a millionaire or bold enough to keep the lights on during sex. But from all appearances his heart is in the right place, and he’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you. The obvious issue with all this is, and we’ve seen it play out many times, the girl eventually gets bored with the boy scout even though the poor guy was just doing the best he could. We’re probably a couple years away from a break-up, so in the meantime Vol fans I hope you enjoy going to the bowling alley on date night, Kenny G concerts and the missionary position with the lights off.
Vols – 34
UTM - 3


Miami (OH) at Florida
Who says the Gators are afraid to play Miami? Hell, they even scheduled Miami the year AFTER Tebow leaves. I won’t spend too much time on this game because the matchup doesn’t deserve it, but I’m really looking forward to watching John Brantley make every other Gator fan forget about Tim Tebow as much as I have. I’ve turned the page Gator Nation….it’s time for you to do the same.
Gators – 45
Ben Rapelisberger U. - 7


Purdue at Notre Dame
It doesn’t matter who the coach at Notre Dame is…..this recovering Catholic hopes they lose just enough games to still be eligible for a BCS bowl, where they inevitably get curb stomped by a team that actually deserves to be in a BCS bowl. Beating an overrated Big 10 team is a good enough start.
Irish – 24
Boliermakers - 14


Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia
It’s to the point now where Mark Richt has to dive 30+ feet, full dressed, into a swimming pool to get any sort of publicity. It doesn’t help matters when your AD gets busted deep in enemy territory with a young hoochie, drunk off his ass. In spite of this and other off the field transgressions that don’t involve the head (tee hee hee) of their athletic department, the Dawgs are the sexy pick to dethrone UF in the East. We’ll know just how sexy a pick that is once South Carolina comes calling. Until then…
UGA – 31
ULL – 14


Texas at Rice
I love me some Scottie Ray, and on a certain level I fear Scottie Ray. For those of you who don’t know Scottie, he’s a huge Texas fan who just so happens to be like an 11th degree black belt, in addition to standing somewhere around 6-4. What I’m trying to say is, Scottie is to our little football forum what Texas is to what’s left of the Big 12. If Scottie really wanted to make us all his bitch, pretty much all he’d have to do is ask. Texas showed the nation its pimp hand, cutting loose a couple of bitches, making the remaining nine work to cover their shifts, while taking in the lion’s share of the cash. Who said pimpin’ wasn’t easy?
Texas – 52
Rice – 10


San Jose State at Alabama
Speaking of pimps, I had a wonderful conversation with everyone’s favorite pimp and second-favorite Alabama fan Keith Edwards. He has a cautious optimism about the Tide’s title chances, and that’s good. Last year was the least amount of fun I’ve ever had following my alma mater, in spite of a 13-1 record and BCS bowl win. Keith is not buying into all the hype. Personally I think he should. Bama is loaded and deep on offense, and for all the concerns over the losses on defense, the majority of new guys have plenty of talent and experience. I’d also like to give a shout out to my favorite Alabama fan on the planet Garland Harwell, who makes up 50% of my followers on Blogger.
Tide – 35
SJSU – 17


LSU vs. North Carolina
This had the makings of a great matchup, until UNC went all Jerry Tarkanian with the NCAA rule book. As it stands now, UNC has to replace half its defense, and its offense was never anything to write home about. Even Les Miles can’t screw this up…..right?
LSU – 23
UNC – 14


Samford at Florida State
Bobby Bowden is gone, although you’d never know with all the publicity he’s been doing lately. We get it Bobby, you wanted to stay one more year so you could let your assistants do all the heavy lifting. What’s clear since his departure is Jimbo Fisher is recruiting his ass off. The question is whether or not FSU can stop anyone. This week it won’t matter.
Noles – 56
Fred G. Samford - 3

And finally….


Virginia Tech vs. Boise State
Count me in the camp who thinks Boise State is all sizzle and no steak. They play no one, and that includes Virginia Tech. They beat no one, and that includes an underachieving Oregon program last year and an Oklahoma program who really didn’t give a shit in the Fiesta Bowl a few years back. Call me an elitist, SEC-loving, ACC-hating homer, but that’s how I feel. You need to beat someone other than a single Top 15 program to get a place at the big boy table. That said….
Boise State – 17
Virginia Tech – 16


Be good…
e