Tuesday, December 31, 2013

eViL G's BCS Bowl Picks

I won't miss you when you're gone.
Happy Holidays!
Here’s hoping you had a very Merry Christmas, and best wishes for a Happy New Year.  Santa was very good to the eViL G family this year.  Hopefully next year he brings me a new football coach.
No time to waste...gotta get these picks in before 2014.
Party safe tonight!
Sugar Bowl – Oklahoma vs. Alabama
Sponsored by Harvey Updyke’s Legal Defense Team…Call 1-888-ROW-TIED…
Auburn’s in the national title game, which means there’s literally hundreds of Alabama fans ready to act a fool if FSU somehow loses.  God forbid if Auburn comes within 27 recognized national titles of Alabama…LET’S GO PLANT AN ATOMIC BOMB AT TOOMER’S CORNER NEXT TO THAT STRIP MALL WITH THE KIDDIE DAY CARE AND PUPPY PET STORE!!!  ROW TIED!!!  I’m still convinced the aliens from Space Jam stole Nick Saban’s brain hours before the Iron Bowl.  Luckily those same aliens took off with Bobby Stoops’ medulla oblongata back in the early 2000s.  Oklahoma hasn’t won a meaningful bowl game since.  I’m hoping the trend of ridiculous alternative bowl uniforms continues, because these two teams have identical colors and uniforms.  Texas Tech’s Holiday Bowl uniforms look like they were made out of tweed.  By the time America figures out which red helmet team is Oklahoma, Alabama will be up 14-0 five minutes into the first quarter.  Row Tied Row.
Bama – 34
OU - 18
Rose Bowl – Michigan State vs. Stanford
Sponsored by Whoever Pays for that Awesome Pre-Game B-2 Stealth Bomber Flyover in Pasadena
I love both of these teams.  Michigan State ended the most overrated winning streak in college football, while at the same time ensuring Florida State plays a team with a pulse in the national title game.  That’s a win-win.  Stanford continues to make the PAC-12 its bitch…Oregon in particular…playing like an SEC school with a collective GPA higher than Vanderbilt’s chess team.  What’s not to love?  Due to both teams’ ball control, run-first style of offense, Will Muschamp will likely watch this game naked in his living room, with 26 aerosol containers of Cheez Whiz and a 2-liter jug of Jergens lotion to prevent chafing.  While Musclecramp is lusting over what real ball control offenses look like, I will continue to openly lust after Stanford's Director of Athletics…and Gainesville native…Bernard Muir.  Come on home Bernard, and bring David Shaw…or James Franklin…or Kevin Sumlin…or the object of mRs. eViLG’s lust Charlie Strong along with you.
Cardinal – 20
Sparty – 14
Fiesta Bowl – UCF vs. Baylor
Sponsored by the State of Arizona’s Attempts to Legally Kill Anyone Who Looks Like An Illegal Alien
It’s bad enough UCF has an identity complex over every media outlet outside of Central Florida insisting on calling them “Central Florida”.  Now on at least six occasions I’ve heard ESPN talking heads refer to UCF as the “Golden Knights”.  UCF dropped the “Golden” about seven years ago.  They’re just the Knights…the UCF Freaking Knights.  Is that so hard to remember?  Baylor is a prohibitive favorite, despite this being their first big boy bowl game too.  Blake Bortles might have something to say about the outcome.  Unfortunately so will UCF’s defense.  Your hometown Knights struggled down the stretch against teams they should have destroyed, and Baylor's offense is no joke.
Bears - 44
Knights - 28
Orange Bowl – Clemson vs. Ohio State
Sponsored by A&E’s “The First 48”, TruTV and the Florida Department of Corrections
Two rabid fan bases wondering what could have been get together in Miami, where there’s a better chance of their rental cars being stolen than anyone outside of Columbus or Clemson staying awake for the entire game.  My advice to OSU and IPTAY fans is this…leave the keys in your rental car with the motor running at all times.  Dade County locals will think it’s a bait car and leave it alone.  Two very good college QBs end their college career in this game.  One of them has the luxury of throwing to Sammy Watkins, the other doesn’t.  That said, Urban Meyer is usually money in bowl games.  Clemson gave up 70 points in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, and they treated last year’s Chick Fil’A Bowl win against LSU like their second national title.  Clemson has more horses than Ohio State, so I suspect they’ll expose Ohio State and the Big 10 once again, in spite of being Clemson.
Tigers – 38
Buckeyes - 27
and finally...
BCS National Championship Game – Florida State vs. Auburn
Sponsored by Beelzebub and Whoever Signed Off on Those Honda Commercials with Michael Bolton
By the end of September it was clear to anyone paying attention that FSU was damn good, and Jamies Winston was downright special.  By the end of the season it was clear to anyone paying attention Auburn made another deal with the devil, exactly three years removed from their last deal.
FSU looks like an SEC team, and unlike Alabama they have over a month to prepare for Tre Mason and Auburn's complex spread running attack.  How do you prepare for Jameis Winston?   Pray he has an off night, or hope he gets fat and out of shape doing the Heisman rubber chicken banquet circuit, like Chris Weinke in 2000.  Neither is likely.  Chris Weinke was 48 years old in 2000.
This is the most complete FSU team since their 1999 national title team, which is a testament to Jimbo Fisher considering FSU lost 11 kids to the NFL last season.  It's called developing talent Will Muschamp, something UF hasn't done in four seasons.  Next time you and Jimbo are at the beach condo, go ahead and pick Jimbo's brain on how that all works. 
I hope I'm wrong, and this is not some passive aggressive attempt at reverse mojo.  FSU has an explosive offense, a stingy defense and their kicker is automatic inside of 50 yards.  FSU is the best football in the country, and unfortunately the only team with a shot to beat them is playing Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl.

Noles - 31
Tigers - 20

Happy New Year, and be good.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

eViL G's Championship Week Picks

Greetings everyone.
I’d like to give a shout out to The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman, who recently announced he’s ending his wildly popular blog site, www.theunsportsmanlikegentleman.com.  Thanks for making me laugh TUG, and for giving this D-list, off-brand blogger some inspiration.  You will be missed.  There’s an open invitation to a super, secret internet message board with your name on it.  Some very important people in Polk County will be contacting you soon regarding membership.
Enough jibber jabber...we’ve got some huge HUGE games this week, so let’s get on with it.
UCF at Southern Methodist
UCF wants to be called UCF, not Central Florida, not C. Florida, not that school Dante Culpepper played for.  Directional schools not named Southern California typically don’t get to call their shot, but your hometown Knights are a Louisville win tonight…or a Saturday win at SMU…from making BCS history.  As I type this Louisville’s screwing around with Cincinnati, so UCF might have to put in its own work to make that big boy bowl game.  UCF handles their business on the road, leading to a possible Sugar Bowl matchup against a very pissed off (or apathetic) Alabama squad.
The University of Central Florida, located in Orlando – 27
It’s the New SMU, the Incredible New SMU – 14
ACC Championship Game
Duke vs. Florida State
Duke’s football team is playing for the ACC championship.  Miami fans, wrap your fat lips around that delicious historical nugget and gently suck on it.  Duke made it to the ACC Championship Game before you did.  Duke Football is playing for a championship.  My iPad tried auto-correcting “football” for “basketball” eight times before it exploded....just in time for Santa to hook me up with a new iPad Air in a couple weeks.  To no one’s surprise Jameis Winston will be available for the remainder of this season, barring any new allegations from alleged victims.  UF’s secondary is considering filing sexual assault charges against Kelvin Benjamin.  In fact, Loucheiz Purifoy and Cody Riggs might already be pregnant with Benjamin’s children.
FSU – 51
Duke – 21
PAC-12 Championship Game
Stanford at Arizona State
Stanford alums typically go on to do great things, like become Secretary of State, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.  Tiger Woods went to Stanford.  Condi Rice went to Stanford.  Arizona State coeds typically go on to be porn stars, or if they’re really lucky, the spouse of Phil Mickelson.  Tiger Woods knows a thing or two about porn stars, but that’s beside the point.  Stanford already kicked ASU’s teeth in earlier this year, racing to a 29-0 halftime lead then coasting to an easy win.  Stanford won’t coast in the Sun Devil’s house, but they win again.  I’d trade David Shaw and Stanford AD Bernard Muir for Muschamp and Jeremy Foley straight up…that’s right, I said it.
Cardinal – 38
Sun Devils – 34
SEC Championship Game
Auburn vs. Missouri
Nick Saban’s lobotomy was obviously a major success.  How else do you explain that abomination at Jordan-Hare?  Now we’ve got the most unlikely SEC title game ever.  Missouri doesn’t have Auburn’s football pedigree, but they’ve got a nasty defensive line, several gigantic receivers and a veteran QB who really aren’t all that impressed with Auburn’s recent good fortune.  Meanwhile, AU’s kids are hearing about how great they are, doing interviews, banging coeds, and collectively patting themselves on the back for being the luckiest team college football’s seen since the 1998 Tennessee Volunteers.  Auburn might be fun to watch, but Missouri has the better football team. 
Missouri Tigers – 28
Auburn Tigers – 23

 and finally…

Big 10 Championship Game
Michigan State vs. Ohio State
It’s only fitting this last major conference championship game of the BCS era holds the key to no fewer than five bowl matchups.  The possibilities are endless.
Ohio State is college football’s Miley Cyrus.  Given their most recent performances on the big stage, people have a hard time taking them seriously.  Count me in with that group.  The Buckeyes don’t pass the eyeball test like FSU, even though FSU’s schedule is arguably weaker than Ohio State’s.  I don’t know much about Michigan State, other than they have an elite defense, and their marching band has the best entrance in college football…LOVE that kick step.
I’m a huge SEC homer, but if Ohio State wins, they earn the right to get destroyed by Florida State.  If Michigan State wins, Stanford will be waiting for them at the Rose Bowl.  FSU’s BCS title game opponent under that scenario will be determined by penalty kicks, free throws, and a book report on Mike Tyson’s new biography, “This Cheesecake Is Malicious”.
Urban Meyer isn't facing Nick Saban, so Ohio State wins, resulting in Gator Nation’s worst nightmare.  The school you hate versus that coach you used to love, playing for a national title.
Buckeyes – 32
Spartans – 24

Be good.

Rest In Peace
Nelson Mandela
(July 18, 1918 - December 5, 2013)