I’d like to give a shout out to The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman, who recently announced he’s ending his wildly popular blog site, www.theunsportsmanlikegentleman.com. Thanks for making me laugh TUG, and for giving this D-list, off-brand blogger some inspiration. You will be missed. There’s an open invitation to a super, secret internet message board with your name on it. Some very important people in Polk County will be contacting you soon regarding membership.
Enough jibber jabber...we’ve got some huge HUGE games this week, so let’s get on with it.
UCF at Southern Methodist
UCF wants to be called UCF, not Central Florida, not C. Florida, not that school Dante Culpepper played for. Directional schools not named Southern California typically don’t get to call their shot, but your hometown Knights are a Louisville win tonight…or a Saturday win at SMU…from making BCS history. As I type this Louisville’s screwing around with Cincinnati, so UCF might have to put in its own work to make that big boy bowl game. UCF handles their business on the road, leading to a possible Sugar Bowl matchup against a very pissed off (or apathetic) Alabama squad.
The University of Central Florida, located in Orlando – 27
It’s the New SMU, the Incredible New SMU – 14
ACC Championship Game
Duke vs. Florida State
Duke’s football team is playing for the ACC championship. Miami fans, wrap your fat lips around that delicious historical nugget and gently suck on it. Duke made it to the ACC Championship Game before you did. Duke Football is playing for a championship. My iPad tried auto-correcting “football” for “basketball” eight times before it exploded....just in time for Santa to hook me up with a new iPad Air in a couple weeks. To no one’s surprise Jameis Winston will be available for the remainder of this season, barring any new allegations from alleged victims. UF’s secondary is considering filing sexual assault charges against Kelvin Benjamin. In fact, Loucheiz Purifoy and Cody Riggs might already be pregnant with Benjamin’s children.
FSU – 51
Duke – 21
PAC-12 Championship Game
Stanford at Arizona State
Stanford alums typically go on to do great things, like become Secretary of State, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. Tiger Woods went to Stanford. Condi Rice went to Stanford. Arizona State coeds typically go on to be porn stars, or if they’re really lucky, the spouse of Phil Mickelson. Tiger Woods knows a thing or two about porn stars, but that’s beside the point. Stanford already kicked ASU’s teeth in earlier this year, racing to a 29-0 halftime lead then coasting to an easy win. Stanford won’t coast in the Sun Devil’s house, but they win again. I’d trade David Shaw and Stanford AD Bernard Muir for Muschamp and Jeremy Foley straight up…that’s right, I said it.
Cardinal – 38
Sun Devils – 34
SEC Championship Game
Auburn vs. Missouri
Nick Saban’s lobotomy was obviously a major success. How else do you explain that abomination at Jordan-Hare? Now we’ve got the most unlikely SEC title game ever. Missouri doesn’t have Auburn’s football pedigree, but they’ve got a nasty defensive line, several gigantic receivers and a veteran QB who really aren’t all that impressed with Auburn’s recent good fortune. Meanwhile, AU’s kids are hearing about how great they are, doing interviews, banging coeds, and collectively patting themselves on the back for being the luckiest team college football’s seen since the 1998 Tennessee Volunteers. Auburn might be fun to watch, but Missouri has the better football team.Missouri Tigers – 28
Auburn Tigers – 23
Big 10 Championship Game
Michigan State vs. Ohio State
It’s only fitting this last major conference championship game of the BCS era holds the key to no fewer than five bowl matchups. The possibilities are endless.
Ohio State is college football’s Miley Cyrus. Given their most recent performances on the big stage, people have a hard time taking them seriously. Count me in with that group. The Buckeyes don’t pass the eyeball test like FSU, even though FSU’s schedule is arguably weaker than Ohio State’s. I don’t know much about Michigan State, other than they have an elite defense, and their marching band has the best entrance in college football…LOVE that kick step.
I’m a huge SEC homer, but if Ohio State wins, they earn the right to get destroyed by Florida State. If Michigan State wins, Stanford will be waiting for them at the Rose Bowl. FSU’s BCS title game opponent under that scenario will be determined by penalty kicks, free throws, and a book report on Mike Tyson’s new biography, “This Cheesecake Is Malicious”.
Urban Meyer isn't facing Nick Saban, so Ohio State wins, resulting in Gator Nation’s worst nightmare. The school you hate versus that coach you used to love, playing for a national title.
Buckeyes – 32
Spartans – 24
Rest In Peace
(July 18, 1918 - December 5, 2013)