Thursday, December 31, 2015

eViL G's 2015-16 Bowl Picks

Happy New Year’s Eve!
I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, Fesitvus, Hanukkah or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate…it’s all good.  Believing in something is half the battle.
Central Florida was treated to a rare Coach E visit this past week, and it was absolutely glorious.  Coach E’s baby boy is a 6-3 stud of an athlete who will save his parents thousands of dollars on a college education in a few years.  He’s that good.  Coach E’s daughter is not allowed to date until she’s 40.  She’s that cute.  Our wives drank plenty of wine, which made Coach E and I appear infinitely more was a great visit. 
Now I’m up against a deadline on FSU-Houston, so let’s get to it. 
Celebrate responsibly tonight.
Chick FilA Spicy Chicken Sandwich Peach Bowl
Houston vs. Florida State
I predict FSU's starting QB goes down with a nasty achilles injury in the first quarter after Houston takes an early lead.  YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!! (So yeah, I missed that deadline...) 
Cougars – 21
Noles - 20
Buffalo Wild Wings Lemon Pepper Seasoning Citrus Bowl
Florida vs. Michigan
In what can only be described as a lapse in judgment, I’ll attend this game knowing full well UF’s offense will make my eyes bleed at least once before halftime.  Thankfully club seats and a hospitality passes will help ease the pain.  Free alcohol is truly a blessing from Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Morgan Freeman.  Michigan owns Florida in the Citrus Bowl, and I don’t see that changing tomorrow considering Treon Harris is still our starting QB.
Meatchicken – 37
Flawda - 14
Outback Victoria Filet Bowl
Tennessee vs. Northwestern
A new deadly strain of Volsheimers is breaking out over near the strip clubs on Dale Mabry in Tampa.  Ask any infected Tennessee fan…the Vols would absolutely murder the Gators right now, and the ONLY reason UF beat Tennessee back in September was due to Will Grier’s dependence on cocaine, bath salts and horse tranquilizers.  Oh, and Tennessee is totally going to win this bowl game, the national title game next season, the gold medal in equestrian at the Olympics in Brazil next summer, AND the Academy Award for Best Supporting SEC Team with Unrealistic Expectations. 
Northwestern - 30
Tennessee - 21
...and finally
Capital One Orange Bowl
#4 Oklahoma vs. #1 Clemson
Three Clemson players were suspended before the biggest game Clemson’s played in over 35 years.  Eugene Robinson is impressed (Google him young people…night before the Super Bowl in Miami, prostitutes, good times).  Clemson destroyed Oklahoma in last year’s Orange Bowl.  Oklahoma hasn’t forgotten.  Baker Mayfield hasn’t forgotten.  Bob Stoops hasn’t forgotten.  We've waited all year for Clemson to pull a Clemson.  Tonight it finally happens...Clemson's starting kicker is suspended.  Clemson loses by a kick.
Sooners - 35
Tigers - 34
Goodyear Cotton Bowl
#3 Michigan State vs. #2 Alabama
Two teams, virtual mirror images of each other.  Nick Saban even coached at Michigan State.  Mike Dantonio’s had more success at Michigan State than Nick Saban.  Michigan State had the miracle play against Michigan suggesting they’re a team of destiny.  You know what Michigan State doesn’t have?  Derrick Henry, Calvin Ridley and the nastiest defense I’ve seen since Florida’s 2008  national championship team.  Michigan State is good, Alabama is better.
Tide – 23
Sparty – 15
Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 3, 2015

eViL G's Championship Week Picks

(for reference)
Greetings everyone.
While the coaching carousel keeps on turning, Gator Nation braces itself for the mother of all bitch slappings by the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide.
But before we go there, let's recap what we learned this past week.
Georgia Director of Athletics Greg McGarity is obviously a double secret agent.  UGA hired McGarity, Jeremy Foley's right hand man for years, to run their athletic department back in 2010.  His enduring legacy thus far is firing a football coach who won 9 games every year, a couple of SEC titles, several more SEC title game appearances...but never a national title. 
Georgia's new football coach Kirby Smart has no prior head coaching experience.  Jeremy Foley made a similar mistake in 2011, hiring Will Muschamp, but in Foley's defense he didn't do it on purpose.  McGarity knew better, but hired Smart anyway.  Critics claim Smart's success as Alabama's defensive coordinator was based primarily on doing exactly what Nick Saban told him to do.  McGarity makes Muschamp's undercover gig as UF's head coach look like amateur hour.  Seriously, that's some James Bond shit.  Thanks for setting back UGA Football for another decade Agent McGarity.
Will Grier may or may not be leaving Florida.  The smart money is on Grier doing something stupid again to get booted off the team.  If you read the tea leaves in Gainesville, this may have already happened...allegedly.  Grier's roomate is Austin Hardin, so he's only a search warrant away from being Davidson's starting QB.  For the past two days Coach McElwain and the nation's #1 QB recruit spent some quality time together, all thanks to Grier's outstanding judgment and Agent McGarity's sinister brain.
South Carolina is seriously considering Will Muschamp as its next head football coach.  Write your own joke.  I have no words.
Finally, in what can only be a sign of the apocalypse, the outcome of the Big10 and ACC title games will have a greater impact on the College Football Playoff than the SEC Championship Game.  That's just fucked up.
I'm depressed now...breaking down Florida-Alabama will make us all feel better right?
Big 10 Championship Game
Iowa vs Michigan State
You know how I know Tennessee Football is cursed?  The same Iowa team Tennessee destroyed last year in the Gator Bowl, resulting in pre-season hype we haven't seen on Rocky Top since Peyton Manning lost to UF for the third time, is one win away from the college football playoff.  You can only conclude at some point, Tennessee did something really bad to piss off Jesus.  It's been fashionable to bash the Big 10 for the better part of a decade, but those days appear to be over.  Michigan and Ohio State are on the outside looking in at Iowa and Michigan State fighting for a spot in the playoff, and if the dominoes fall just right, Ohio State could find themselves back in it.  You can tell from all this rambling I don't know a damn thing about either of these teams, other than Michigan State got lucky against Michigan, and Iowa beat down an average Nebraska squad in Lincoln.  I just flipped a coin and Michigan State won, so there you have it.
Sparty - 31
Hawkeyes - 14 
ACC Championship Game
North Carolina vs Clemson
Why can't the Tar Heels get any playoff love?  Alabama gets the benefit of the doubt losing to Ole Miss because they turned the ball over 17 times, yet only lost by a touchdown.  What about UNC's only loss to South Carolina?  UNC's QB threw about 6 picks in the end zone.  Since then he's been money.  Both of these teams are in uncharted territory.  If Clemson doesn't pull the biggest Clemson in program history, they get to run circles around Iowa or Michigan State in one semi-final.  Or, North Carolina throws a gigantic monkey wrench into what appeared to be a cut and dried playoff bracket of Clemson/Big 10 Champ and Alabama/Oklahoma.  Last week I said UNC would do the unthinkable.  After carefully re-thinking that position....
Tar Heels - 27
Tigers - 24
and finally....
SEC Championship Game
Florida vs Alabama
In what can only be described as the least deserving "and finally" prediction in the history of this off-brand blog, Florida limps into Atlanta with easily its worst team to ever play in the SEC title game.  Since Will Grier fucked us over and Treon Harris took over, UF looks every bit the part of a team picked to finish 5th in the SEC East.  Meanwhile, Alabama got its annual regular season loss out of the way in September and now they appear unbeatable against teams who CAN complete a forward pass, let alone Florida.
My Tar Heel family in Jacksonville is praying for a UF miracle, seeing as how the Gators can help their playoff case.  I hate to break it to you Sweet, it ain't happening.  Alabama could punt on every first down, play defense for 60 minutes and still win by 10. That's how bad Florida's offense is. 
And it's not just Treon Harris.  UF's offensive line blocks about as well as Treon reads defenses.  Short of every Alabama starter blowing out both ACLs exiting the team bus, there is no scenario where UF keeps this thing under 20 points.  Derrick Henry will cover the spread all by himself.
For you Gator fans making the trip to Atlanta, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  You're MUCH braver than I am.

In all kinds of weather...
Tide - 42
Gators - 6

Be good.

Friday, November 27, 2015

eViL G's 2015 Hate Week Picks

"Everyone calm the fuck down.  I got this." 
- Jim McElwain
Happy Hate Week?
Normally this is the week I cuss, bitch and moan about all the things I hate…apologizing to my mother for sounding like a Def Comedy Jam stand-up routine and whatnot.
This year is different.
We just finished a kick ass Thanksgiving family dinner with the UCF crew.
Coach E is alive and well…his baby boy who took a dump in my lap 15 years ago is now a 1st team all-state defensive back, and he's only a sophomore.

Gas is under $2 a gallon, the stock market recovered from that little dip a couple months ago, and eViL G’s day job is keeping the bills paid and then some.
As I type this the greatest movie of all time, Despicable Me 2 is on FX.

I’m trying to muster up some good old fashioned hate, and it just ain’t happening.
Life is good…real good…so good I’m flipping the script and turning Hate Week into Love Week.
“I ain’t mad at all…”
– Flavor Flav, 1994
North Carolina at NC State
My views on Roy Williams and UNC Basketball are well documented.  As long as Roy Williams draws a paycheck in Chapel Hill, I pray that Baby Jesus makes Roy Coach K’s bitch twice a year every year until Roy takes his ball and goes home.  UNC football is another story…there’s a freshman offensive lineman taking a redshirt this season who will one day change the world.  His name is William Sweet.  Mel Kiper will know his name by this time next year.  UNC isn’t getting much playoff love, but that all changes once the Tar Heels crush NC State tomorrow and shock Clemson next week.  That’s right, I said it.
Tar Heels 34
Wolfpack 14
Ohio State at Michigan
Urban Meyer never handled losing well, so I’ll take great delight in watching that fragile little bitch deal with it two weeks in a row.  NO PLAYOFF FOR YOU!!
Michigan 24
Ohio State 21
Georgia at Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech kicked FSU in the nuts a month ago, so I got nothing but love for them.  Despite being 8-3 and headed to another respectable bowl game, Georgia football is a dumpster fire because Mark Richt can’t sniff a national title.  I’m cool with whoever wins this game.  A Georgia win puts them on track for the 10-win season everyone predicted back in August.  Hopefully it keeps Mark Richt employed.
UGA 17
Tech 14
Texas A&M at LSU
Word on the street is LSU's big money donors raised upwards of $20 million to buy out Les Miles' contract.  His day job is better than my day job, and yours.  One could speculate about the sanity of LSU's athletic director...or you could deduce LSU already has Jimbo Fisher waiting in the wings.  How else do you explain such a willingness to fire, at worst, the SEC's 3rd best coach?  It makes no sense.  Outside of an unexpected loss to Auburn, Texas A&M is right about where we expected them to be...competitive but not championship material.  LSU wins, Les Miles gets fired anyway, resulting in Kevin Sumlin drinking heavily and FSU fans getting really nervous.
Geaux - 38
Gig 'Em - 21

Alabama at Auburn
Blame Nick Saban for all of this madness.  He's got Alabama playing championship caliber the point where Les Miles, Mark Richt and Kevin Sumlin could all be unemployed in a couple weeks.  That's complete lunacy.  I can't wait to see Derrick Henry run over, around and through Will Muschamp's so-called defense.  Fuck that guy.
Roll Tide 38
War Chicken 14
…and finally
Florida State at Florida
Back in August just about every UF fan on the planet had this game pegged as a loss to the Tallahassee savages.  Fast forward three months, and even after 10 wins UF losing to FSU still sounds about right for all the reasons we feared three months ago.  The Gators were breaking in a new coach, no offensive line, no playmakers and what appeared to be a brutal schedule.

Will Grier is an idiot, but at least we know what a real QB can do in McElwain's offense.  And Coach Mac is working on a  Top 5 recruiting class, so the future is bright.

Meanwhile in Tallahassee, rumors swirling about Jimbo's future could have the Noles distracted.  No doubt Jimbo could use a change of scenery.  You would too if you caught your wife fucking her personal trainer...a former Gator wide reciever no less.  Factor in a recent report suggesting FSU football players received preferential treatment in no fewer than TWENTY sexual assault allegations, and maybe Jimbo's ready to say fuck it, I'm out.  Time to geaux somewhere else.

But at the end of the day, key injuries on UF's defensive line will be the difference.  No Alex McAllister, Jonathan Bullard is doubtful, and Vernon Hargreaves isn't 100%.  Davlin Cook could run wild if he doesn't tweak his hamstring again.  UF's offense can't score at a Las Vegas whorehouse with Lamar Odom's credit limit. 

And if after all that, UF somehow plays FSU close and the game comes down to a kick...we're fucked.

Regardless of the outcome, I love the direction of the program, I love this coach and I absolutely love my alma mater.

Noles - 20
Gators - 13

Friday, November 6, 2015

eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 7th

"How ya likes me now?"
-Jim McElwain
What’s up America?
I'm running behind schedule today, thanks to an impromptu birthday dinner celebration last night with the UCF crew.  George O'Leary was not in attendance.
Real world deadlines are kicking my ass, so I’ll get right to it.
There’s some great games this week.


Vanderbilt at Florida
Gator Nation is still in the honeymoon phase with Jim McElwain.  I’m talking walking around the house butt naked, having sex multiple times a day…all that stuff you used to do before the kids came along.  That’s where this relationship is right now...straight up Freaky Deaky Time in Gainesville.  In spite of what promises to be an uninspired performance in front of a sleepy, hungover Ben Hill Griffin Stadium homecoming crowd missing thousands of students who eventually show up just before halftime, the mighty Gators punch their SEC Championship Game ticket to Atlanta for the first time since Tim Tebow cried like these two dudes right here.  Good times.

SEC East Champs - 27
Smart Kids - 14

FSU at Clemson
Clemson is #1 for the first time since a very young eViL G watched Homer Jordan and Perry Tuttle bring home Clemson’s only national title way back in the 1982 Orange Bowl.  Yes, I was there.  Seeing as how the stakes are higher than ever, everyone’s waiting for Clemson to pull the ultimate Clemson, present company included, because it’s Clemson and that’s what they usually do.  FSU is a Dalvin Cook injury away from disaster, and they’ve got some QB issues to get resolved.  Meanwhile Clemson has no issues at QB; Watson is an absolute stud, and the Tigers might just be the best team in the country.  It's time to retire the phrase "pulling a Clemson" and replace it with "pulling a Georgia".
Tigers - 38
Noles - 20

and finally...

LSU at Alabama
Alabama lost to an Ole Miss team who couldn't get past Memphis...the very same Ole Miss squad your mighty Gators destroyed in Gainesvile.  Seaux it makes perfect sense 1-loss Florida is 6 spots behind Alabama in the first college football playoff rankings...fuck that, it makes neaux sense whatsoever.  Good thing Brandon Harris and Leonard Fournette take care of business in Tuscaloosa.  Coker's lack of mobility, and Derrick Henry's lack of Fournette-like wiggle plays right into LSU's hands.  LSU plays defense too.  I like the boys from Red Stick in this one.  Fournette may not geaux off for 200+ tomorrow night, but he won't have to.  Man I can't wait to hear Paul Finebaum's sheaux on Monday.
Geaux - 24
Roll - 20

Be good.




Thursday, October 29, 2015

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 31st

Mark Richt salutes UGA fans after a hard fought win against Louisiana Monroe.
Greetings everyone, and Happy Halloween Eve.
I took another week off, and our rivals from Tallahassee and Coral Gables gave us one of the most entertaining Gator bye weeks in recent memory.  I’m not sure what was more enjoyable, watching Miami die a slow, painful death against Clemson in front of 1500 pissed off fans or FSU getting their hearts ripped out in Atlanta.  Both games were magically delicious.

While most of the college football world has their collective eye on a couple national title elimination games NEXT weekend, one half of the SEC title game picture takes shape in Jacksonville this week.
Cocktails anyone?
Florida vs Georgia
Speaking of Atlanta, I want to give a shout out to Augusta, Georgia native and all-things Atlanta super fan, UCF Associate Womens’ Basketball Coach Ken Griffin.  I’ve got to show Coach Ken some love because unlike most so-called Atlanta sports fans, he actually gives a shit about sports teams in the ATL.  He’s also a prime candidate to become this blog's 28th follower.

Coach Ken is unlike any Atlanta sports fan I know.  He doesn’t watch the Falcons play once every six years at the Georgia Dome, wearing a faded Andre Rison jersey, asking people around him why Michael Vick’s not playing.  He doesn’t chant “MVP” at Hawks games when the other team’s best player shoots free throws.  He knows the career statistics of Atlanta Braves Hall of Fame catcher Biff Pocoroba.  He knows how to spell “Pocoroba” properly without doing a Google search.  He lives and dies with his Atlanta sports teams, and that’s rare.  I respect that.

Coach Ken is also a HUGE Georgia Bulldog fan, and like many UGA fans he’s over Mark Richt, wants him gone like Al Golden.  I understand, but at the same time I don’t get it.  In spite of everything UGA fans hate about Mark Richt, you can’t deny he’s the second best coach in the history of Georgia football…worst case.  But sure, he’s never won a national title, hasn’t won an SEC title in a decade, and his teams routinely crap the bed when the stakes are high.

Meanwhile in Gainesville, Jim McElwain is making chicken salad out of Will Muschamp’s chicken shit.  Nothing but blue skies, lollipops and puppy dog kisses in Gator Country these days.
So in a season that began with great uncertaintly surrounding UF and SEC title aspirations for UGA, over the past two months someone flipped the script. 

How desperate is Mark Richt?  UGA is starting someone named Faton Bauta at QB instead of Greyson Lambert.  Faton Bauta sounds like a guy on the TSA's no-fly explosive playmaker if you will.  Apparently Bauta gives UGA more of a run threat at QB, and he can't be a worse passer than Lambert.  What's the worst that could happen?  Mark Richt loses another big game?
Florida played well enough to beat national title contender LSU a couple weeks ago, in spite of UF's all-world secondary getting torched repeatedly by a slightly above average QB.  Treon Harris played well for most of the night, but struggled late.   The Gators still can't run consistently against anyone.  We placed ads in the Gainesville Sun for a kicker. 
That said, the good guys are still 6-1 and ahead of schedule while Georgia is reeling.
Back to you Coach Ken, be careful what you wish for.  Mark Richt may not be Urban Meyer or Nick Saban...he's not Ray Goff or Jim Donnan either.  Tennessee fired Phil Fulmer seven years ago, and they still haven't recovered.  Please keep this in mind after Florida beats Georgia in Jacksonville tomorrow.
The Gators are going back to Atlanta, and Mark Richt stays employed in Athens.
UF - 26
UGA - 17
Be good.