Thursday, September 3, 2015

eViL G's Weekly Picks - September 5th


Will Grier practices pushing Treon Harris in front of a moving vehicle.
Greetings everyone.
 
Since 1995, Coach E and I have provided some of the worst gameday predictions in the history of college football, primarily because we usually wait until the last minute to send out picks and we really don’t put much thought into this.
 
2015 will be no different.  It’s what we do.  It’s what you want…all 26 of you.
 
Along with most of you tonight I suffered through UNC-South Carolina, and obviously UCF is still nursing a hangover from that bowl game two seasons ago. 
 
Now I’m knee deep in TCU-Minnesota and Utah-Michigan. 
 
Is Thursday night college football awesome or what? 
 
PICKS!!!
 
New Mexico State at Florida
For the second straight season UF’s offense is a complete unknown.  Treon Harris and Will Grier are scheduled to split snaps under center, which on the surface suggests the hype over Grier heading into fall camp was overblown.  Or perhaps it means Treon Harris is ready to be the man.  Whatever it means, it’ll feel damn good not to see you know who on the sideline acting a fool Saturday night, making us all die slowly inside.  Coach Mac will make everything alright.  Right?
Gators – 40
Aggies – 17
 
Texas at Notre Dame
The like/hate relationship between Texas fans and Charlie Strong gets a bit more strained this weekend, as Notre Dame gets all up in that ass.  Hang in there Charlie…
Irish - 24
'Horns - 10
 
Alabama vs. Wisconsin
Nick Saban’s had about four guys competing for the starting QB job this fall, including a kid who played wide receiver last season.   Whoever wins the job is irrelevant, as they’ll spend most of Saturday night handing the ball off to Derrick Henry and Kenyan Drake.  Unfortunately Wisconsin’s best chance to win this game recently signed a ten million dollar contract with the San Diego Chargers.
Hello Derrick Henry – 24
Goodbye Melvin Gordon - 14
 
Louisville vs. Auburn
See Alabama vs. Wisconsin, with a few more pass attempts from Louisville and an extra TD for Auburn.
AU – 31
Da Lou – 14
 
And finally…
 
Ohio State at Virginia Tech
Urban Meyer proved last season he’s the best coach in college football when he’s focused and isn’t suffering from “health issues”.  His squad is absolutely loaded...2001 Miami loaded...2004 Southern Cal loaded...1985 Chicago Bears loaded.  That Big 10 schedule doesn’t appear to be all that daunting outside of Michigan State and maybe Penn State.  Just when you thought Virginia Tech couldn't be taken seriously they pulled off an opening day upset last season in Columbus.  Now unfortunately they have Ohio State's full attention.  Expect the Hokies to feed off the home crowd for about a quarter and a half, then they’ll do what they always do against top ranked teams.   
The Ohio State University - 47
Virginia Polytechnic University - 20

Monday, August 31, 2015

2015 Pre-Season Rant - The Will Muschamp Nightmare is OVER!!!


"Over the past three seasons, UF's average pass attempt was this long."
- Jim McElwain
Greetings everyone.

Last year eViLG took the season off, to the point where 2010 Urban Meyer and Jamarcus Russell questioned my work ethic. 
 
Now I’m not making any promises for 2015, but if I do take some time off again you won’t hear me making bullshit health excuses like Urban did 5 years ago.  Hey Urbs, anyone with their ear to the ground in Gainesville knows what really went down (allegedly), who they went down on, and why our wide receiver coach suddenly found greener pastures in Baton Rouge.  Streets talk Urban, but I digress… 

I’m in a strange place this season folks, turned the corner in life if you will.  This December my parents will be married 51 years.  The ring bearer in their wedding, now in his mid-50s, has a 6-7, 300 pound beast of son who’ll play left tackle at UNC Chapel Hill this fall.  My mother’s best friend, a close family friend who passed away many years ago, her grandson is UF freshman wide receiver Kalif Jackson.  Nearly 30 years ago I graduated from Bishop Kenny High School…God’s alma mater…with the father of UF freshman center Tyler Jordan. 

So as the season wears on I’ll struggle with balancing the right amount of smart assed commentary with the understanding that these kids are in fact kids.  

Where was I...oh yeah, football season… 

Have you ever been let down by the same person so many times, perhaps a friend or family member who can’t get his/her shit together, to the point where you celebrate when they do something so basic, so common, so ordinary relative to other people?  That’s the collective psyche of Gator Nation right now.  Ponder that this weekend, when UF completes two consecutive forward passes in the same drive and you lose your gotdamned mind. 

Then you question why you’re celebrating this nonsense in the first place, causing you to resent that person even more for compromising your standards.  Shouldn’t we expect better?  Is a 9-3 or 8-4 season really worth doing backflips? 
 
Sadly Gator fans, the answer is yes.
 
Jeremy Foley hired a retarded caveman to run my alma mater’s football program, and in less than four years Captain Cavemen damn near burned it to the ground.  He invented ways to lose games never before seen in the history of college football. 
 
Hold an opponent to 95 yards of total offense and still lose?  Check. 
 
Get four takeaways in the first half and still lose?  Check. 
 
Hold an FCS opponent to ZERO PASSING YARDS and still lose...at home?  Check. 
 
Continue to start Jeff Driskel when the one-armed kid on UF's basketball team is clearly a more accurate passer?  Check. 
 
Even last year's Georgia win felt tainted, because it bought that ape Muschimp more time.  I never really had legitimate reason to HATE Auburn, now I do.  Screw that guy. 

Enter Jim McElwain and his folksy swagger, his goofy smoothness, his “that’s what it’s all about” tagline…seems like he gets it.  Coach Mac made Charlie Strong his bitch in the 2009 SEC Championship Game.  He convinced Jeremy Foley to pry open his wallet for an indoor practice facility.  He miraculously healed Antonio Morrison’s knee.  HE HAS HEAD COACHING EXPERIENCE!!!  WAS THAT SO HARD JEREMY???  WAS IT??? 

From all accounts he’s saying the right things and our kids appear to be buying in.  Time will tell if he’s the answer.  Twenty-five years ago Gator football was in a similar funk, mired in mediocrity, and we brought in an offensive-minded coach who changed everything. 
 
Hopefully history repeats itself.

Be good.
eG

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Thursday Morning Hangover

You see that guy up there, rocking the ugly 1987 orange mesh jersey, wearing the same #22 eViL G wore while winning back-to-back District 3-3A triple jump championships at legendary track and field powerhouse Bishop Kenny High School?
 
You see him? 
That guy knows a shitty quarterback when he sees one.  That’s why he’s not smiling.
He had the misfortune of playing with some of the worst signal callers in UF history…Kyle Morris, Donald Douglas, some guy named Lex Smith. 
Oh, he knows.
He even had an offensive coordinator who thought it was a great idea to use him as a decoy. 
He knows shitty coaching too.
So who can blame him for blasting our coaching staff for continuing to play Jeff Driskel?
If you had a dollar for every Gator fan who agreed with Emmitt, you’d have more than enough cheese to buy out Nick Saban and Kevin Sumlin’s respective contracts, with enough money left over to cover Aretha Franklin’s food budget for a couple months.
Gator Nation is frustrated.  We’re frustrated because our coach is either too stubborn or too stupid to see what the rest of world sees.  Stevie Wonder can see it.
No need to apologize Emmitt, you said what had to be said.

Be good.
-eG


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

eViL G's September 20th Picks


More scrong accusations against Jameis Winston....real scrong....

Greetings everyone.
 
At the urging of one of my 26 followers, I bring you an abbreviated weekly picks column this week, featuring a school I love and another school I hate.
 
And with apologies to Dorothy Williams in Jacksonville, it’s not Hate Week, but some of this week’s adult language is essential to the plot.
 
So let’s do this thing….exactly two….

 
PICKS!!!
 
 
Clemson at Florida State
 
Jameis Winston….doing all he can to make Johnny Football look like Mother Theresa off the field.
 
Recently Jameis took a break from his rigorous course load of nine credit hours at The Florida State University to entertain our future leaders and retail assistant managers of this great nation.  As the story goes, at the urging of no one in particular, Jamies stood on a table at the FSU student union and yelled, “FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!!!”
 
Given what Winston’s gone through recently, this is analogous to O.J. Simpson yelling, “SLICE THE BITCH UP AND KILL HER PUNK ASS BOYFRIEND!!!” at a 1995 USC booster function.
 
Apparently a good number of FSU students didn’t initially recognize Winston uttered those vulgarities, because they could clearly understand the words that came out of his mouth.  But it quickly became obvious to everyone Winston was the culprit, because university cops working at the student union immediately looked the other way.
 
SEC Network ran with the story immediately, and everyone had a good chuckle when Paul Finebaum had to explain to Tim Tebow what that phrase actually meant.
 
None of this matters, as FSU thumps Clemson without Winston playing the first half.  It just goes to show what an idiot Jameis Winston is.
 
If you’re scoring at home, the Jameis Winston penal code (tee hee hee) goes like this:
·        Allegedly rape someone: No suspension
·        Shoplift crab legs from Publix, where shopping is a pleasure: Suspended 3 baseball games
·       Encourage the student body to do what he did (consent optional) – miss the 1st half vs Clemson
 
Charlie Ward should punch Jameis Winston in the face next time he sees him.
 
As far as the game goes...
 
Noles – 34
Tigers – 17
                                                                                                                                                                        
And finally...
 
Florida at Alabama
 
So which is it Gator Nation?  Is Kentucky Football legit, or has Florida reached another level of sucktitude under head coach Shrill Musclecramps.  To increase the likelihood of being correct I’m going with both.
 
Musclecramps needed the Kentucky win much more than this game.  He got it, and his seat is hotter than it’s ever been.
 
Four years in the program…FOUR…and with the best offensive coordinator UF’s had since Dan Mullen, Jeff Driskel still looks lost at times.  Thank God for Demarcus Robinson, who from all accounts has stopped partaking in activities that violate team rules, even if those activities are legal in Washington and Colorado.
 
UF finding a go-to receiver seems to have coincided with UF needing some playmakers in the secondary.  Gator defensive backs got abused repeatedly in the second half, most often by a freshman wide receiver playing varsity tackle football at the University of Kentucky.  That’s like MIT losing a science fair to West Virginia.  Amari Cooper is already open. 
 
And while Bama’s QB’s aren’t exactly lighting the world on fire right now, none of their QBs are named Jeff Motherfucking Driskel. 
 
Advantage Alabama.
 
Waiting for Jeff Driskel to miss a deep pass, not recognize an obvious corner blitz, hold on to the ball too long before getting sacked, or throw a 4 yard pass on 3rd and 12….well, it’s a lot like having sex with Jameis Winston.  You can kick, scream and object to it all night long, but you won’t stop it from happening.
 
Matt Jones looks mortal this week against a real defense, and Driskel continues to Driskel against a real defense.  Vernon Hargreaves suffers a season ending back injury from carrying the entire secondary.  Demarcus Robinson continues to shine while Clay Burton and Latroy Pittman combine for at least three drops.  Kyle Cristy averages 62 yards on 11 punts.
 
Nick Saban gives a dry press conference afterwards.
 
What everyone expected to happen, happens…UF gets fucked right in the pussy.
 
Tide - 31
Gators – 10
 
Be good.
eG

Friday, August 29, 2014

eViL G's Labor Day Pi....wait, what?

"There is no better place than 'The Swamp.' That opening on the big screen with the alligators, it's the best ever. When the Gators run out of the tunnel, it is absolutely the moment of moments in college football."
— Lee Corso, ESPN College Football Analyst
Gather ‘round everyone…we need to talk.

I’ve decided to take some time off this year to focus on career and family.  However I’ll post from time to time when the spirit moves me.  I still love me some Florida Gators and college football.  However after listening to callers on Paul Finebaum’s show, I’m beginning to question whether I love it enough.
I’d like to thank my loyal followers, all 22 of you, for not making it seem as though I’ve been talking to myself for the past five years.  I would encourage you all to look elsewhere for marginally entertaining college football commentary and woefully inaccurate predictions.  You have no shortage of options.
As I understand it, there are still thousands of tickets available for UF’s season opener Saturday night against Idaho.  UF’s student section issued a press release earlier claiming many would forego the 7:00 kickoff “because they have to wash their hair”.  I’m bald, but I understand.
I’ll be watching, and I’m cautiously optimistic about this team.  Last time we brought in an offensive minded coach from Duke, things worked out.  It can’t get any worse than last year.
Go Gators, and until we meet again…be good.
eG