Wednesday, September 17, 2014

eViL G's September 20th Picks

More scrong accusations against Jameis Winston....real scrong....

Greetings everyone.
At the urging of one of my 26 followers, I bring you an abbreviated weekly picks column this week, featuring a school I love and another school I hate.
And with apologies to Dorothy Williams in Jacksonville, it’s not Hate Week, but some of this week’s adult language is essential to the plot.
So let’s do this thing….exactly two….

Clemson at Florida State
Jameis Winston….doing all he can to make Johnny Football look like Mother Theresa off the field.
Recently Jameis took a break from his rigorous course load of nine credit hours at The Florida State University to entertain our future leaders and retail assistant managers of this great nation.  As the story goes, at the urging of no one in particular, Jamies stood on a table at the FSU student union and yelled, “FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!!!”
Given what Winston’s gone through recently, this is analogous to O.J. Simpson yelling, “SLICE THE BITCH UP AND KILL HER PUNK ASS BOYFRIEND!!!” at a 1995 USC booster function.
Apparently a good number of FSU students didn’t initially recognize Winston uttered those vulgarities, because they could clearly understand the words that came out of his mouth.  But it quickly became obvious to everyone Winston was the culprit, because university cops working at the student union immediately looked the other way.
SEC Network ran with the story immediately, and everyone had a good chuckle when Paul Finebaum had to explain to Tim Tebow what that phrase actually meant.
None of this matters, as FSU thumps Clemson without Winston playing the first half.  It just goes to show what an idiot Jameis Winston is.
If you’re scoring at home, the Jameis Winston penal code (tee hee hee) goes like this:
·        Allegedly rape someone: No suspension
·        Shoplift crab legs from Publix, where shopping is a pleasure: Suspended 3 baseball games
·       Encourage the student body to do what he did (consent optional) – miss the 1st half vs Clemson
Charlie Ward should punch Jameis Winston in the face next time he sees him.
As far as the game goes...
Noles – 34
Tigers – 17
And finally...
Florida at Alabama
So which is it Gator Nation?  Is Kentucky Football legit, or has Florida reached another level of sucktitude under head coach Shrill Musclecramps.  To increase the likelihood of being correct I’m going with both.
Musclecramps needed the Kentucky win much more than this game.  He got it, and his seat is hotter than it’s ever been.
Four years in the program…FOUR…and with the best offensive coordinator UF’s had since Dan Mullen, Jeff Driskel still looks lost at times.  Thank God for Demarcus Robinson, who from all accounts has stopped partaking in activities that violate team rules, even if those activities are legal in Washington and Colorado.
UF finding a go-to receiver seems to have coincided with UF needing some playmakers in the secondary.  Gator defensive backs got abused repeatedly in the second half, most often by a freshman wide receiver playing varsity tackle football at the University of Kentucky.  That’s like MIT losing a science fair to West Virginia.  Amari Cooper is already open. 
And while Bama’s QB’s aren’t exactly lighting the world on fire right now, none of their QBs are named Jeff Motherfucking Driskel. 
Advantage Alabama.
Waiting for Jeff Driskel to miss a deep pass, not recognize an obvious corner blitz, hold on to the ball too long before getting sacked, or throw a 4 yard pass on 3rd and 12….well, it’s a lot like having sex with Jameis Winston.  You can kick, scream and object to it all night long, but you won’t stop it from happening.
Matt Jones looks mortal this week against a real defense, and Driskel continues to Driskel against a real defense.  Vernon Hargreaves suffers a season ending back injury from carrying the entire secondary.  Demarcus Robinson continues to shine while Clay Burton and Latroy Pittman combine for at least three drops.  Kyle Cristy averages 62 yards on 11 punts.
Nick Saban gives a dry press conference afterwards.
What everyone expected to happen, happens…UF gets fucked right in the pussy.
Tide - 31
Gators – 10
Be good.

Friday, August 29, 2014

eViL G's Labor Day Pi....wait, what?

"There is no better place than 'The Swamp.' That opening on the big screen with the alligators, it's the best ever. When the Gators run out of the tunnel, it is absolutely the moment of moments in college football."
— Lee Corso, ESPN College Football Analyst
Gather ‘round everyone…we need to talk.

I’ve decided to take some time off this year to focus on career and family.  However I’ll post from time to time when the spirit moves me.  I still love me some Florida Gators and college football.  However after listening to callers on Paul Finebaum’s show, I’m beginning to question whether I love it enough.
I’d like to thank my loyal followers, all 22 of you, for not making it seem as though I’ve been talking to myself for the past five years.  I would encourage you all to look elsewhere for marginally entertaining college football commentary and woefully inaccurate predictions.  You have no shortage of options.
As I understand it, there are still thousands of tickets available for UF’s season opener Saturday night against Idaho.  UF’s student section issued a press release earlier claiming many would forego the 7:00 kickoff “because they have to wash their hair”.  I’m bald, but I understand.
I’ll be watching, and I’m cautiously optimistic about this team.  Last time we brought in an offensive minded coach from Duke, things worked out.  It can’t get any worse than last year.
Go Gators, and until we meet again…be good.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

2014 UF Recruiting Recap - Defense

Alright, now moving on to defense.

Defensive End:
Justus Reed, Taven Bryan, Gerald Willis III
I know Reed is a BUCK and Willis is sort of that hybrid inside/outside guy like Bullard. But for simplicity's sake I'm listing them as DE's. For as much shit as I give Muschamp for being a shitty evaluator of offensive talent, I give him more leeway on his defensive evaluations. Reed seems to fit the part physically, but his competition level sucked. However, he's a guy that Muschamp identified early and jumped on so I'll give the benefit of the doubt. I have to say I'm extremely skeptical of taking a kid from Wyoming. Initial reports are that the staff is impressed with Bryan physically. I'll wait and see here. Willis is a stud. What the group lacks is an elite pass-rusher. The two guys they had initially targeted (Carter and Featherston) would not have helped much, IMO. For all his accolades, Carter plays like a pussy. Featherston weighs 125 lbs and won't see the field for a few years anyway. Overall an acceptable group, but I'll go with B- here.

Defensive Tackle:
Khairi Clark, Thomas Holley
If nothing else, Muschamp is leaving our next coach stacked with DT's. Clark and Holley are both elite prospects, and combined with Brantley and Bostwick from last year this is a home run. One more body would have been nice, but this is an A.

Linebacker: None...fucking NO ONE!!!
Don't give a shit about what we have on the roster, this is a flat F. You never go a year completely ignoring a position. It's like they were thinking Christian Miller or bust. No excuses for this shit.

Jalen Tabor, Duke Dawson, J.C. Jackson, Deiondre Porter
I'm leaving Dawson at CB for now, because that's where he was told he'd play. I think Dawson may be able to play the nickel like Brian Poole did, though his best position is safety. Tabor and Jackson make this class a home run. I like the versatility of Porter and added him here because that's where they claim he'll start. I would love to see him flip over to WR instead because we need playmakers and the guy is a super athlete. This is an A+. Two bona fide studs (Tabor Jackson), one very good prospect (Dawson) and one versatile athlete type.

Quincy Wilson
I'm not sold on Wlson. I think his real value was in getting our foot in the door in South Florida at a school that produces good talent. He was also thought to be a pied piper type to help reel in Cook and Lane. He's worth the scholarship, but his ceiling is basically being another Jabari Gorman. Adams would have been a home run. Wilson is a C+.

ser bueno
- Senor Chupacabra

2014 UF Recruiting Recap - Offense

Greetings Gator Nation!

Every now and then I'll bring in an expert who actually knows what he's talking about, because Lord knows half the predictions here come straight out of my ass.

Please put your hands together for our resident recruiting guru from the 561, Señor Chupacabra.  Señor was raised in the mean streets of Dade County, and now calls Palm Beach Gardens home.  He's like Mel Kiper, only shorter and hairier.  He also has a day job and he doesn't want to get fired...which makes sense considering he happens to be one of the best attorneys in South Florid...oh dear, I fear I've shared too much.
Anyways, the experts are gushing over Shrill Mustclamp's Top 10 recruiting class, in spite of the abortion that was Florida Football in 2013.
Señor Counselor cuts through the crap, pulls no punches, and tells it like it here it is...

Okay, so let me preface my grades with a couple of points.  First, when grading a class/position group addressing needs is the thing I value most.  This means not only getting the numbers at the positions of need correctly, but also landing kids who can: a) play, and b) make your team better.  

Second, I look at what we took in the context of what was available.  Some years you don't take great players at certain positions simply because there aren't may to be had.  

Finally, I don't necessarily dwell on who we missed on since you have to play what you did get.  But, I do subtract major points when I think the coaches have flat fucked something up.  With that being said, I'll do my view of the offense first:

Will Grier, Treon Harris
This was an A, IMO.  The only thing keeping it from being an A+ is that you can only really give a perfect grade when you've found a Tebow or Winston type, and these guys aren't that.  However, we desperately had a need for capable bodies at the position.  I don't think our offense will ever be very good as long as Driskel is the starter because Driskel is just a bad QB.  Superb athlete? Sure.  QB? Nope.  Forget the OC stuff, Driskel is dumb.  The only worse thing than having a dumb QB as your starter is having such piss-poor depth behind him that there is no real competition for the job.  Enter Grier and Harris.  Grier's biggest question mark is whether he's able to perform against real competition instead of the garbage he played in high school.  But he's a coach's son and put up ridiculous numbers.  When a guy is better than his competition, he should dominate.  Grier did that.  He's also an early enrollee and therefore poses a threat to Driskel,  With that being said, you can't ignore that Harris was dominant at the highest level of high school competition.  The kid may be short, but he has a gun and has tremendous pocket presence.  He also looked great when the stage was biggest (state championship game).  I know Driskel is going to start no matter what, because Muschamp is retarded and will think, "Since my job is on the line, I need to put the ball in the hands of the most experienced guy."  Because that's the conservative, textbook and dumb thing to do.  But if this offense is ever going to get going, it's got to be with either Harris or Grier at the wheel.

Running Back:
Brandon Powell
I'm giving this one a B-, because I'm higher on Powell than most.  Obviously, the top tier guys in Florida this year were Cook, Yearby, Michel and Scarborough (if he counts).  Powell isn't on their level, but he is at the top of the next tier of kids.  The thing that limits Powell is that he's not -- and never will be -- a workhorse back.  He's a change of pace guy.  However, he gives us something in the backfield that we don't currently have, and that is breakaway ability.  If he gets into the open field, he can take it to the house.  The fact that he adds a new dimension to the offense makes him a kid that improves the team.  In my mind, we only have three RB's on the roster worth a shit, and one of them (Lane) is based on potential only.  I love having a kid like Matt Jones on the team and he can certainly play at the college level, but he's just not a SEC-caliber RB.  It's not his fault that the staff misuses him and that he needs to be an H-back.  But nevertheless, recruits see a depth chart with a shitload of names and very shitty production (Jones, Brown, Herndon, Showers, Taylor, Lane) and it's hard to land more than one here.  Plus, I think it was actually a smart move to take only one this year because 2015 is loaded and we have enough on the roster to get by for 2014.

Wide Receiver:
Ryan Sousa, C.J. Worton
To me, this is a C-/D+ grade.  The only thing that keeps it from being lower is that I think more highly of Worton than most.  Sousa is, IMO, just another guy.  We desperately, desperately, desperately needed playmaking ability at the skill positions and got none of it at WR.  I don't even blame the staff for whiffing on Artavis Scott (kid wanted to leave the state), Adoree (tough pull) or Ermon Lane (has bust written all over him).  But I blame the coaching staff for how they managed their board and how they fucked it up at the end.  To begin with, we could have gotten in on Jovon Harrison a long time ago but we felt so good about Lane that we didn't bother.  Stupid.  We also had Travis Rudolph gift-wrapped for this class after Miami screwed up his recruitment, and we slow-played him instead.  Stupid.  Notwithstanding those fuck-ups, we had the chance to add a playmaker in Isiah McKenzie late in the process and we fucked that one up, too, because we felt so good about Adoree.  Look, if Adoree wanted to go to UF he would have done it with or without McKenzie on the roster.  So what was the harm in offering and taking McKenzie? Worst case scenario, you have two playmakers to use.  And if we had taken McKenzie, then the loss of Adoree wouldn't have been so bad.  We also never bothered to go after Steve Ishmael (who wound up at Syracuse of all places) or Isiah Ford, who could have been had.  In lieu of the necessary playmakers, we wind up with a "solid" player (Worton) and a "steady" player (Sousa).  Gawd, Muschamp is a dickhead when it comes to offense.

Tight End:
Deandre Goolsby, C'yontai Lewis, Moral Stephens
This group is a C.  I actually think Goolsby can be a very good player for us here, and is certainly an upgrade over the pile of shit we currently have at TE on the roster (Burton and Westbrook).  Lewis has some potential, but I don't see a big difference here.  I have no idea why Moral Stephens is on this team.  He sucks.  And by sucks, I mean he fucking sucks, he won't play here and he took a valuable scholarship that could have gone to McKenzie or someone else who can actually play at this level.  Goddammit, Muschamp, stay the fuck out of the offense. But still, they get a C because there weren't many great options out there and we still upgraded the roster with what we landed.

Offensive Line:
Drew Sarvary, Travaris Dorsey, Nolan Kelleher, David Sharpe, Kavaris Harkless, Andrew Mike
I see this class as an A.  Not an Alabama-style A+, but certainly about as well as any team can reasonably hope to do.  With Silberman leaving, Sarvary plays the ever-important role of barely warm body that can give someone a breather for a few snaps a game.  I think Kelleher and Dorsey provide immediate depth, with Kelleher having the potential to be very good.  With Mike and Harkless, you have kids with good potential in a year or two.  And Sharpe has all the physical tools you're looking for in an OT.  Plus, all of these guys go far in increasing the size of our OL.  4 out of 6 contribute in year one, and 2 upside kids who need a little time to grow.  And we definitely filled a bunch of holes here.  Prince would have made this an A+.

Defense is on the way....

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

eViL G's BCS Bowl Picks

I won't miss you when you're gone.
Happy Holidays!
Here’s hoping you had a very Merry Christmas, and best wishes for a Happy New Year.  Santa was very good to the eViL G family this year.  Hopefully next year he brings me a new football coach.
No time to waste...gotta get these picks in before 2014.
Party safe tonight!
Sugar Bowl – Oklahoma vs. Alabama
Sponsored by Harvey Updyke’s Legal Defense Team…Call 1-888-ROW-TIED…
Auburn’s in the national title game, which means there’s literally hundreds of Alabama fans ready to act a fool if FSU somehow loses.  God forbid if Auburn comes within 27 recognized national titles of Alabama…LET’S GO PLANT AN ATOMIC BOMB AT TOOMER’S CORNER NEXT TO THAT STRIP MALL WITH THE KIDDIE DAY CARE AND PUPPY PET STORE!!!  ROW TIED!!!  I’m still convinced the aliens from Space Jam stole Nick Saban’s brain hours before the Iron Bowl.  Luckily those same aliens took off with Bobby Stoops’ medulla oblongata back in the early 2000s.  Oklahoma hasn’t won a meaningful bowl game since.  I’m hoping the trend of ridiculous alternative bowl uniforms continues, because these two teams have identical colors and uniforms.  Texas Tech’s Holiday Bowl uniforms look like they were made out of tweed.  By the time America figures out which red helmet team is Oklahoma, Alabama will be up 14-0 five minutes into the first quarter.  Row Tied Row.
Bama – 34
OU - 18
Rose Bowl – Michigan State vs. Stanford
Sponsored by Whoever Pays for that Awesome Pre-Game B-2 Stealth Bomber Flyover in Pasadena
I love both of these teams.  Michigan State ended the most overrated winning streak in college football, while at the same time ensuring Florida State plays a team with a pulse in the national title game.  That’s a win-win.  Stanford continues to make the PAC-12 its bitch…Oregon in particular…playing like an SEC school with a collective GPA higher than Vanderbilt’s chess team.  What’s not to love?  Due to both teams’ ball control, run-first style of offense, Will Muschamp will likely watch this game naked in his living room, with 26 aerosol containers of Cheez Whiz and a 2-liter jug of Jergens lotion to prevent chafing.  While Musclecramp is lusting over what real ball control offenses look like, I will continue to openly lust after Stanford's Director of Athletics…and Gainesville native…Bernard Muir.  Come on home Bernard, and bring David Shaw…or James Franklin…or Kevin Sumlin…or the object of mRs. eViLG’s lust Charlie Strong along with you.
Cardinal – 20
Sparty – 14
Fiesta Bowl – UCF vs. Baylor
Sponsored by the State of Arizona’s Attempts to Legally Kill Anyone Who Looks Like An Illegal Alien
It’s bad enough UCF has an identity complex over every media outlet outside of Central Florida insisting on calling them “Central Florida”.  Now on at least six occasions I’ve heard ESPN talking heads refer to UCF as the “Golden Knights”.  UCF dropped the “Golden” about seven years ago.  They’re just the Knights…the UCF Freaking Knights.  Is that so hard to remember?  Baylor is a prohibitive favorite, despite this being their first big boy bowl game too.  Blake Bortles might have something to say about the outcome.  Unfortunately so will UCF’s defense.  Your hometown Knights struggled down the stretch against teams they should have destroyed, and Baylor's offense is no joke.
Bears - 44
Knights - 28
Orange Bowl – Clemson vs. Ohio State
Sponsored by A&E’s “The First 48”, TruTV and the Florida Department of Corrections
Two rabid fan bases wondering what could have been get together in Miami, where there’s a better chance of their rental cars being stolen than anyone outside of Columbus or Clemson staying awake for the entire game.  My advice to OSU and IPTAY fans is this…leave the keys in your rental car with the motor running at all times.  Dade County locals will think it’s a bait car and leave it alone.  Two very good college QBs end their college career in this game.  One of them has the luxury of throwing to Sammy Watkins, the other doesn’t.  That said, Urban Meyer is usually money in bowl games.  Clemson gave up 70 points in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, and they treated last year’s Chick Fil’A Bowl win against LSU like their second national title.  Clemson has more horses than Ohio State, so I suspect they’ll expose Ohio State and the Big 10 once again, in spite of being Clemson.
Tigers – 38
Buckeyes - 27
and finally...
BCS National Championship Game – Florida State vs. Auburn
Sponsored by Beelzebub and Whoever Signed Off on Those Honda Commercials with Michael Bolton
By the end of September it was clear to anyone paying attention that FSU was damn good, and Jamies Winston was downright special.  By the end of the season it was clear to anyone paying attention Auburn made another deal with the devil, exactly three years removed from their last deal.
FSU looks like an SEC team, and unlike Alabama they have over a month to prepare for Tre Mason and Auburn's complex spread running attack.  How do you prepare for Jameis Winston?   Pray he has an off night, or hope he gets fat and out of shape doing the Heisman rubber chicken banquet circuit, like Chris Weinke in 2000.  Neither is likely.  Chris Weinke was 48 years old in 2000.
This is the most complete FSU team since their 1999 national title team, which is a testament to Jimbo Fisher considering FSU lost 11 kids to the NFL last season.  It's called developing talent Will Muschamp, something UF hasn't done in four seasons.  Next time you and Jimbo are at the beach condo, go ahead and pick Jimbo's brain on how that all works. 
I hope I'm wrong, and this is not some passive aggressive attempt at reverse mojo.  FSU has an explosive offense, a stingy defense and their kicker is automatic inside of 50 yards.  FSU is the best football in the country, and unfortunately the only team with a shot to beat them is playing Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl.

Noles - 31
Tigers - 20

Happy New Year, and be good.