Thursday, November 29, 2012

eViL G's Championship Week Picks

Any questions?

Greetings from Central Florida, where I'm still basking in the glow of that glorious UF victory in Tallahassee.  It's rare for Gator fans to be content with a season where we're forced to watch Georgia play in the SEC title game, but that's where Gator Nation is right now.  You'd be hard pressed to find many pissed off Gator fans wondering what could have been.  11-1 people...ELEVEN AND ONE!!  And as I type this our basketball team is abusing Marquette on ESPN...on the same night Kentucky got bitch slapped by Notre basketball.

Life is indeed good.

I'm up against some real world deadlines and first world career obligations, so that's all I got this week.

Everybody say it with me....ROLL TIDE!!!


Conference USA Championship Game
Central Florida vs. Tulsa
UCF and Tulsa are both headed to alleged greener Big East pastures, but when they get there it'll look similar to the same mid-major wasteland they bolted from.  It's like the scene in Aminal House where Pinto and Flounder visit Omega Theta Pi during rush week, attempting to rub elbows with all the cool people, only to get stuck in that side room on the couch with Jugdish and Mohammed. 
Tulsa - 38
UCF - 35

PAC-12 Championship Game
UCLA vs. Stanford
The PAC-12 was smart enough to schedule this game on a Friday night, otherwise no one outside the Pacific time zone would watch.  Seeing as how USC and Oregon aren't playing, I'll be watching Shark Tank while wrapping Christmas gifts and drinking scotch.  Stanford won last week at need to watch Stanford do it again at home. 
Condoleezza Rice - 30
Kareem Adbul-Jabbar - 14

B1G 10 Championship Game
Nebraska vs. Wisconsin
A B1G 10 title game without Ohio State or Michigan?  I won't waste your time....

A She She Championship Game
Florida State vs. Georgia Tech
Coach E and I are easily two of the cheapest bastards on the planet.  If I lived in Charlotte, we'd be all over those $3 tickets to catch this game live and in person, cheering like hell for Georgia Tech.  FSU fans are saving their money, opting out of this game in anticipation of an epic Orange Bowl matchup against Kent State or Louisville.  Cheer up Nole least you guys won your conference.
F State - 37
Go Tech - 13

and finally...

SEC Championship Game 
(aka The BCS National Semifinal Game)
Alabama vs. Georgia
I considered taking bribes from my UGA and Bama colleagues this week.  Like most of you, they now believe in the power of reverse mojo, and my Bama friends in particular are practically begging me to pick Georgia to win.

Granted, UGA's been playing lights out since beating Florida, and relative to last year's squad Alabama looks somewhat mortal...thanks to a nonexistent pass rush and a rash of injuries on offense.  Then again Texas A&M caught Bama napping a week after that big comeback win at LSU, and UGA hasn't played a team with a pulse since beating Florida.  The schedule gods continue to smile on UGA...I think LSU rotates back on their schedule in 2034 after three straight bye weeks.

Is Georgia ready to join the SEC's Big Boy Club?  Their membership was revoked after Herschel left in 1982...that's no less than two generations of UGA fans who don't know what it feels like to play for a national title, let alone win one.  After Saturday, those UGA fans won't have to wonder what playing for a national title feels like.  All they'll have to do is ask one of the 40,000 Alabama fans in the Georgia Dome.

Alabama - 24
Georgia - 21

Be good.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

eViL G's Hate Week Picks

Well, duh...
Greetings from Duval County, birthplace of eViL G and Coach E.  I'm thankful for many amazing family, beautiful wife, loving daughter, both grandmothers still going strong into their 90s.  But at this moment I'm simply trying to maintain without losing my mind.

It's around 1:30 on Thanksgiving Day, dinner won't be ready for another two hours.  Needless to say the Hate Week juices are beginning to flow.  A few hours earlier I fell asleep during Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and missed Underdog, but woke up in time to catch Elf on a Shelf...only to find out Underdog wasn't in the damn parade. What the fuck is Elf on a Shelf anyway?  Get off the shelf and go make some gotdamned toys, you lazy motherfucker you.
Welcome to Hate fish-eyed fool...

Parade over...National Dog Show is on now.  The Great Dane gets fucked out of Best In Show by a Wire Haired Fox Terrier?  Now that's some bullshit.  I'm really hungry now, craving Chinese food...wire-haired Chinese food.

For whatever reason my mother's computer isn't working, so I'm struggling to get these picks to you courtesy of my iPhone...and I'm getting pissed, so I take a break from editing before taking a hostage.

Hours later, I'm stuffed from an awesome meal, drinking 12 year-old scotch on the rocks as Texas gets its shit pushed in by TCU.  There's a very good chance I'm going to sex the wife if I don't fall asleep first.  She's probably hoping I fall asleep, but I took a nap earlier today.  She's totally getting sexed tonight.

Life is good.  I'm tipsy as a motherfucker.  What was I so pissed off about?  


Auburn at Alabama
This shirt is currently on backorder.
Suck it Oregon!!!  All your national title hopes are belong to us.  Sincerely, the Alabama Crimson Tide.    And just when you thought Auburn's year couldn't get any worse, the NCAA is back, and this time scholarships get jacked and championships get vacated.  Oh, and Bama beats Auburn by 50 on Saturday.  Suck it Cam Newton!!  
Roll Tide - 53
War Eagle - 3

South Carolina at Clemson
I hate Steve Spurrier much less when UF kicks his ass by 30.  But I still hate that whiny motherfucker.  You just KNOW Coach Dabo hates Spurrier's guts.  Only Spurrier could turn a rally for injured stud tailback Marcus Lattimore into a standup comedy routine with Clemson being the punchline to EVERY joke.  Clemson hasn't forgotten, and South Carolina doesn't have Marcus Lattimore anymore.
Tigers - 23
Cocks - 13

Michigan at Ohio State
Ohio State is undefeated, but can't win the Big 10 or national championship.  What's not to love about that?  Some misguided Buckeye fans are petitioning President Obama to make their NCAA sanctions go away?  Silly Buckeyes, don't you know the President is busy giving away cell phones to homeless people, food stamps to convicted murderers and free condoms to middle school children?  I heard it on Fox News, and they would never steer me wrong.  Enjoy your meaningless undefeated season.
Buckeyes - 24
Michigan - 16

Notre Dame at USC
If you're like most college football fans, you hate Notre Dame and Lane Kiffin.  But this week you're forced to hold your nose and cheer for Lane Kiffin, for the good of the universe.   It's like sleeping with Lindsay Lohan, then praying you only get syphilis instead of herpes.  Notre Dame is back after lying dormant for quite some time, so herpes wins in spite of battling a bunch of Trojans for 60 minutes.
Irish - 17
USC - 13

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Fuck Georgia...UF hands them six turnovers and a goal line fumble, and now they're two games away from a national title shot without any of Herschel Walker's personalities.  That's all kinds of fucked up.
Dawgs - 38
Jackets - 14

and finally....

Florida at Florida State
Jimbo Fisher hates FSU's modest BCS ranking, in spite of passing the eyeball test every week but one.  Well Jimbo can go fuck himself with a cactus.  Unlike Alabama, Georgia, Florida and Oregon, FSU lost to an unranked team who lost to FUCKING TENNESSEE!!!  Shut the fuck up Jimbo, and be glad you're ranked in the Top 10.

Meanwhile, Florida might be the worst 10-win team in college football history...and it's got Gator fans in a strange place.  Exceeding expectations with a 10-win season and Top 10 BCS ranking is great.  But if our only losses are to UGA and FSU, how good of a season is it?

Jeff Driskel is back, and that's all well and good, but UF's offensive line is absolute garbage.  Driskel wasn't exactly tearing it up before he got hurt, and FSU's defense is really good...SEC good.  UF's defense is damn good too, but short of an epic E.J. Manuel meltdown combined with the almighty power of the reverse mojo, UF is fucked.

Will Muschamp remains winless against FSU and Georgia.  

Noles - 24
Crocs - 9

Be good.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 17th Edition

Tennessee fans react to Derek Dooley's continued employment.
Greetings from the 34761.  Mama say mama sah, ma ma coo sah.

I'd like to start off by apologizing to my Bama buddies in Atlanta and Birmingham.  Goofy shit happens when I take the week off, so I take full responsibility for that Texas A&M debacle.  If it's any consolation, Auburn really sucks this year, and chances are K-State and Notre Dame won't finish undefeated.

For all the bandwagon Alabama fans in Central Florida, driving around with Crimson "A" car flags, Orange County license plates and Valencia Community College parking stickers, I have no sympathy for you.  Go buy a Notre Dame jersey and STFU.

In hindsight I should have played hooky this week...Saturday's slate of games are straight up booty.  Wofford-South Carolina...Western Carolina-Alabama...UGA-Georgia's like Week One all over again minus the humidity.

Finally I feel compelled to express my feelings about the current state of UF Football, but these feelings might be better saved for Hate Week.  Stay tuned.  

Let's do this.


Jacksonville State at Florida
Those 30,000 empty seats in The Swamp should make Jacksonville State feel right at home.  Divine intervention won't be necessary this Saturday, but we might need Tebow to lay hands on Jeff Driskel's ankle before playing the savages from Tallahassee next week. 
Doing Yardwork  - 45
Paying $55 to watch Jax State on PPV - 3

Florida State at Maryland
Thanks to a rash of torn ACLs, Maryland is down to its 5th string QB.  His name is Jennifer.
Noles - 51
Twerps - 7

Southern Cal at UCLA
Hate Week came early for these guys.  UCLA's campus was vandalized by USC students earlier this week.  A group of UCLA students considered retuning the favor, then reconsidered after realizing which side of town USC's campus is located...Dominos won't deliver there.  We've got marching band drama too...UCLA school officials informed the Trojans that if their drum major planted his sword on UCLA's midfield logo, UCLA would fly in Florida A&M's drum majors to beat the ever loving shit out of him.
Bruins - 23
Jimmy Hats - 21

Stanford at Oregon
Stanford's smash mouth style of football results in Oregon having to wait until the 3rd quarter to eclipse 70 points.
Ducks - 77
Trees - 63

Kansas State at Baylor
Kansas State is two wins away from playing for the national championship.  TV executives are on suicide watch.    Kansas State football has about as much brand recognition as Ron Artest's record label.  I haven't watched one down of KState football this season, but I'll definitely switch over Saturday night after Oregon-Stanford gets out of hand.
K-State - 45
Baylor - 20

and finally...

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
Vols QB Tyler Bray made headlines this week, claiming he's "paid to win SEC football games".  Following that interview Bray asked the reporter for a dollar. 

This Tennessee team has been so bad for so long, General Neyland stopped turning over in his grave months ago.  Even his rotting corpse knows this game isn't worthy of the coveted "and finally" spot, but I want to give Derek Dooley his due.  He's got two regular season games left as Tennessee's football coach before Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Bob Stoops and both Harbaugh brothers all simultaneously accept the head coaching job in Knoxville.

So in what will likely be the last time a Dooley-coached Tennessee team is mentioned in this here forum, I'm picking him to do something he hasn't done in three seasons...lose to Vanderbilt. 

You're welcome Vol fans...reverse mojo is in full effect.

Vandy - 38
Vols - 34

Be good.

Friday, November 9, 2012

eViL G's Wee....wait, what?

Hey gang.....I'm down in Palm Beach County counting votes, and it might take a while, so I'm taking this week off. 

I'll catch you guys next week.


Be good.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 3rd Edition

Greetings from Central Florida.

Big ups to Alabama's #1 SuperPimp Keith Edwards, who took the time to contribute this week after stealing my password and hacking into the blog.  For the record Keith, my password is no longer "tittysprinkles5220".  Good luck hacking your way back in here before the Iron Bowl.

Before I forget, I wanted to thank everyone who texted, called or generally inquired about my state of mind following last week's abortion of a football game.  I'm at peace with the Georgia game....really, I am.  We're 7-1, ranked #7 and barring a disaster, the Gators should win 10 games for the first time in what seems like a long time.  Most importantly, for the second straight year we'll all be treated to watching Georgia get rocked in the SEC title game.

Finally, in unrelated news I voted early today after standing in line for around 20-25 minutes.   Come to find out the incumbent Orange County Tax Collector died a few weeks ago, but his name was still on the ballot.  Apparently Orange County didn't have enough time to change the ballots before early voting, and in this case, early dying.  There's a death and taxes joke in there somewhere, but I'm struggling to stay awake right now.  Bottom line is I voted for the dead guy....ain't shit he can do if nobody pays their property taxes.


Virginia Tech at Miami
I was all set to pick this game when I realized these guys are playing, like right now.  This game used to be must-see Saturday night prime time football.  Now it's background noise while I iron a dress shirt for work tomorrow.  Next.....

Missouri at Florida
Noon kickoff...not enough time to tailgate...UF's students show up as the first quarter ends.  They spend the rest of the game updating their Facebook status while dancing to piped in techno music, as I wonder aloud why this latest generation of students are so gotdamned soft.  The Swamp will be listless, and the team will come out flat.  Thankfuly the scheduling gods threw us a bone.  Missouri sucks, but they make up for it by being really, really bad at playing college football.  Thank you scheduling gods.
Gators - 27
Mizzou - 10

Texas A&M at Mississippi State
It's a slow week when this game makes the weekly picks.  Johnny Football puts up Xbox numbers again while Mississippi State continues its free fall right out of the Top 25.
Aggies - 31
Mithippi Thate - 20

Oregon at Southern Cal
If you enjoy waching Lane Kiffin underachieve in his profession, by all means watch this game.  This is Chip Kelly's best Oregon team ever, and they actually play defense.
Ducks - 52
Trojans - 27

and finally...

Alabama at LSU
This is NOT the Game of the Century.  It's merely a decent-sized speed bump on the way to Bama playing Oregon in the BCS title game.  Usually I spend a litle more time breaking down the feaured "and finally" game, but I've wasted enough of your time already. 

Both teams have great defenses.  Bama's offense is balanced and efficient, and they have some young stud skill players who could start for just about any team in the country.  LSU's offense is exactly like Bama's...minus the balance, efficiency and young, explosive skill players.

LSU's so-called home field advantage means absolutely nothing to Alabama...they've beaten LSU in Baton Rouge 24 times in 35 games, with 2 ties.  When someone beats you in your own house that often, eventually there's a restraining order involved.

Alabama wins this game by 2 TDs.

Tide - (x + 14)
LSU - x

Be good.

This place could use a splash of CRIMSON!!!

Just when you thought it was safe to cruise thru the greatest 22-member swamp lizard based blog ever created, guess who’s back up in this beyatch??  We are 7 weeks into the season and YOUR reigning National Championship representative (#14ofthemthangs) has a few questions…

  • Can the Tide D really be this good after losing so many guys to the shield?  
  • Has Saban really discovered a way to win without rebuilding (scary)?
  • Is “Death Valley” really where team’s dreams go to die? **NOTE: with a record of 24-9-2 all time in Baton Rouge it’s where the Tide’s dreams come true more times than not…
  • Will Zach Mettenberger hang on to his 64.1% completion percentage at home (56.6% for the season) or will he do synthetic weed, promote shady Baton Rouge clubs and be nicknamed after a giant ferret…oh wait, that was somebody else -- my bad
  • Is AJ McCarron the best player in the country?  Who the hell would’ve thought I’d be asking that a year ago???  What a difference a year and the best O-line in the country makes.  If he goes down, we are in serious trouble
  • Speaking of serious trouble, are Bennie Logan, Anthony Johnson, Josh Downs, Ego Ferguson, Barkevious Mingo and Sam Montgomery the scariest D line in the country?? (knowing my luck…probably)
Questions, questions and more questions!!!  One thing I don’t question is how much I still dislike the LSU Tigers.  Let HATE WEEK officially begin!!!


Introducing the WMIHAHA/CLOD!!!

Also known as “The Will Muschamp I’m Having A Heart Attack/Constipated Look Of Disgust".
We (meaning me and UF's anger management poster boy) will stare down various assholes around the globe for their profoundly uncool behavior.  If all goes well, these losers will turn their lives around and hopefully break off Coach Muschamp a Lorazepam, blunt, hooker or Miralax to calm his crazy ass down.   On to the jerks...

Betcha I can pop my head open
  • Clay Burton – for generating this sick psycho look in the first place
  • Tyrann Mathieu - for reasons to numerous to list.  All you had to do was get out of the way, chill w/the smokin hot chick and let let the money roll in.  WTF Honey Badger???
  • Mr. Marcus – for trying to ruin the American porn industry (during a recession no less)
  • That London casino – for not paying Phil Ivey his 11.5 mill after he broke ‘em in half over his knee
  • Disney – as a warning to NOT screw up Star Wars
  • eViL G – for animal abuse.  If you saw an alligator with blue scales (like the d├ęcor of this blog) wouldn’t you feel compelled to call PETA??
Sadly this means we are going to limit the use of the famed Gary Coleman glare of death (GC “went home” back in 2010 so we will only pull it out for special occasions).  Props to you little big man – ¼ of my 40 oz is belatedly hitting the ground as we speak!!
Roll (MF’in) Tide!!