Thursday, December 31, 2015

eViL G's 2015-16 Bowl Picks

Happy New Year’s Eve!
I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas, Fesitvus, Hanukkah or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate…it’s all good.  Believing in something is half the battle.
Central Florida was treated to a rare Coach E visit this past week, and it was absolutely glorious.  Coach E’s baby boy is a 6-3 stud of an athlete who will save his parents thousands of dollars on a college education in a few years.  He’s that good.  Coach E’s daughter is not allowed to date until she’s 40.  She’s that cute.  Our wives drank plenty of wine, which made Coach E and I appear infinitely more was a great visit. 
Now I’m up against a deadline on FSU-Houston, so let’s get to it. 
Celebrate responsibly tonight.
Chick FilA Spicy Chicken Sandwich Peach Bowl
Houston vs. Florida State
I predict FSU's starting QB goes down with a nasty achilles injury in the first quarter after Houston takes an early lead.  YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!! (So yeah, I missed that deadline...) 
Cougars – 21
Noles - 20
Buffalo Wild Wings Lemon Pepper Seasoning Citrus Bowl
Florida vs. Michigan
In what can only be described as a lapse in judgment, I’ll attend this game knowing full well UF’s offense will make my eyes bleed at least once before halftime.  Thankfully club seats and a hospitality passes will help ease the pain.  Free alcohol is truly a blessing from Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and Morgan Freeman.  Michigan owns Florida in the Citrus Bowl, and I don’t see that changing tomorrow considering Treon Harris is still our starting QB.
Meatchicken – 37
Flawda - 14
Outback Victoria Filet Bowl
Tennessee vs. Northwestern
A new deadly strain of Volsheimers is breaking out over near the strip clubs on Dale Mabry in Tampa.  Ask any infected Tennessee fan…the Vols would absolutely murder the Gators right now, and the ONLY reason UF beat Tennessee back in September was due to Will Grier’s dependence on cocaine, bath salts and horse tranquilizers.  Oh, and Tennessee is totally going to win this bowl game, the national title game next season, the gold medal in equestrian at the Olympics in Brazil next summer, AND the Academy Award for Best Supporting SEC Team with Unrealistic Expectations. 
Northwestern - 30
Tennessee - 21
...and finally
Capital One Orange Bowl
#4 Oklahoma vs. #1 Clemson
Three Clemson players were suspended before the biggest game Clemson’s played in over 35 years.  Eugene Robinson is impressed (Google him young people…night before the Super Bowl in Miami, prostitutes, good times).  Clemson destroyed Oklahoma in last year’s Orange Bowl.  Oklahoma hasn’t forgotten.  Baker Mayfield hasn’t forgotten.  Bob Stoops hasn’t forgotten.  We've waited all year for Clemson to pull a Clemson.  Tonight it finally happens...Clemson's starting kicker is suspended.  Clemson loses by a kick.
Sooners - 35
Tigers - 34
Goodyear Cotton Bowl
#3 Michigan State vs. #2 Alabama
Two teams, virtual mirror images of each other.  Nick Saban even coached at Michigan State.  Mike Dantonio’s had more success at Michigan State than Nick Saban.  Michigan State had the miracle play against Michigan suggesting they’re a team of destiny.  You know what Michigan State doesn’t have?  Derrick Henry, Calvin Ridley and the nastiest defense I’ve seen since Florida’s 2008  national championship team.  Michigan State is good, Alabama is better.
Tide – 23
Sparty – 15
Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 3, 2015

eViL G's Championship Week Picks

(for reference)
Greetings everyone.
While the coaching carousel keeps on turning, Gator Nation braces itself for the mother of all bitch slappings by the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide.
But before we go there, let's recap what we learned this past week.
Georgia Director of Athletics Greg McGarity is obviously a double secret agent.  UGA hired McGarity, Jeremy Foley's right hand man for years, to run their athletic department back in 2010.  His enduring legacy thus far is firing a football coach who won 9 games every year, a couple of SEC titles, several more SEC title game appearances...but never a national title. 
Georgia's new football coach Kirby Smart has no prior head coaching experience.  Jeremy Foley made a similar mistake in 2011, hiring Will Muschamp, but in Foley's defense he didn't do it on purpose.  McGarity knew better, but hired Smart anyway.  Critics claim Smart's success as Alabama's defensive coordinator was based primarily on doing exactly what Nick Saban told him to do.  McGarity makes Muschamp's undercover gig as UF's head coach look like amateur hour.  Seriously, that's some James Bond shit.  Thanks for setting back UGA Football for another decade Agent McGarity.
Will Grier may or may not be leaving Florida.  The smart money is on Grier doing something stupid again to get booted off the team.  If you read the tea leaves in Gainesville, this may have already happened...allegedly.  Grier's roomate is Austin Hardin, so he's only a search warrant away from being Davidson's starting QB.  For the past two days Coach McElwain and the nation's #1 QB recruit spent some quality time together, all thanks to Grier's outstanding judgment and Agent McGarity's sinister brain.
South Carolina is seriously considering Will Muschamp as its next head football coach.  Write your own joke.  I have no words.
Finally, in what can only be a sign of the apocalypse, the outcome of the Big10 and ACC title games will have a greater impact on the College Football Playoff than the SEC Championship Game.  That's just fucked up.
I'm depressed now...breaking down Florida-Alabama will make us all feel better right?
Big 10 Championship Game
Iowa vs Michigan State
You know how I know Tennessee Football is cursed?  The same Iowa team Tennessee destroyed last year in the Gator Bowl, resulting in pre-season hype we haven't seen on Rocky Top since Peyton Manning lost to UF for the third time, is one win away from the college football playoff.  You can only conclude at some point, Tennessee did something really bad to piss off Jesus.  It's been fashionable to bash the Big 10 for the better part of a decade, but those days appear to be over.  Michigan and Ohio State are on the outside looking in at Iowa and Michigan State fighting for a spot in the playoff, and if the dominoes fall just right, Ohio State could find themselves back in it.  You can tell from all this rambling I don't know a damn thing about either of these teams, other than Michigan State got lucky against Michigan, and Iowa beat down an average Nebraska squad in Lincoln.  I just flipped a coin and Michigan State won, so there you have it.
Sparty - 31
Hawkeyes - 14 
ACC Championship Game
North Carolina vs Clemson
Why can't the Tar Heels get any playoff love?  Alabama gets the benefit of the doubt losing to Ole Miss because they turned the ball over 17 times, yet only lost by a touchdown.  What about UNC's only loss to South Carolina?  UNC's QB threw about 6 picks in the end zone.  Since then he's been money.  Both of these teams are in uncharted territory.  If Clemson doesn't pull the biggest Clemson in program history, they get to run circles around Iowa or Michigan State in one semi-final.  Or, North Carolina throws a gigantic monkey wrench into what appeared to be a cut and dried playoff bracket of Clemson/Big 10 Champ and Alabama/Oklahoma.  Last week I said UNC would do the unthinkable.  After carefully re-thinking that position....
Tar Heels - 27
Tigers - 24
and finally....
SEC Championship Game
Florida vs Alabama
In what can only be described as the least deserving "and finally" prediction in the history of this off-brand blog, Florida limps into Atlanta with easily its worst team to ever play in the SEC title game.  Since Will Grier fucked us over and Treon Harris took over, UF looks every bit the part of a team picked to finish 5th in the SEC East.  Meanwhile, Alabama got its annual regular season loss out of the way in September and now they appear unbeatable against teams who CAN complete a forward pass, let alone Florida.
My Tar Heel family in Jacksonville is praying for a UF miracle, seeing as how the Gators can help their playoff case.  I hate to break it to you Sweet, it ain't happening.  Alabama could punt on every first down, play defense for 60 minutes and still win by 10. That's how bad Florida's offense is. 
And it's not just Treon Harris.  UF's offensive line blocks about as well as Treon reads defenses.  Short of every Alabama starter blowing out both ACLs exiting the team bus, there is no scenario where UF keeps this thing under 20 points.  Derrick Henry will cover the spread all by himself.
For you Gator fans making the trip to Atlanta, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  You're MUCH braver than I am.

In all kinds of weather...
Tide - 42
Gators - 6

Be good.