Wednesday, October 24, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 27th Edition

Georgia's mascot does a flawless impersonation of Tennessee's defense.
Greetings from West Orange County, Florida.

First things first, I'd like to give a huge shout out to The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman, who was kind enough to link eViL G and Coach E's blog on his website,  Check it out when you get a chance, he's absolutely hilarious...and unlike this off-brand, flea market blog he has more than a couple dozen followers.  Big ups to TUG!

Unconfirmed rumors about a possible Florida-Georgia tailgate appearance by Coach E has the Internet abuzz with excitement.  Chris Leak's identical twin has been AWOL recently due to work and family obligations, so hopefully he can tear himself away from real world stuff to bless us with those dreamy green eyes.  You know where to find us Coach...Lot Z tucked in the corner under that big ass shade tree. 

Finally, now that the WNBA Finals are over, this blog has my mother's undivided attention, so I'm apologizing up front for using the F-word multiple times before Hate Week.  Love you Mama.

Fuck Georgia.


Tennessee at South Carolina
The Derek Dooley Farewell Tour makes its final stop in Columbia, and you can expect a tearful, emotional reception from the Gamecock fans in attendance.  SEC wins are hard to come by, so yeah we're all sad to see him go.  Let's just enjoy Derek Dooley while he's still here, like Abe Vigoda at a Comedy Central roast.
Gamecocks - 34
Volunteers - 24

Ohio State at Penn State
Remember when Urban Meyer took heat for playing Tim Tebow two weeks after that nasty concussion in Lexington?  Well Urban's at it again.  Braxton Miller is expected to play this Saturday after getting knocked the fuck out last week against Mrs. Coach E's alma mater Purdue.  This time around nobody cares because Ohio State is on probation and the Big 10 sucks.
Buckeyes - 10
Lions - 3

Duke at Florida State
FSU has a chance to play spoiler.....against football.  My iPad tried to autocorrect "football" with "basketball" nine times before it self-destructed.
Noles - 45
Duke - 21

Notre Dame at Oklahoma
I know God exists because Notre Dame hasn't won a national championship since 1988.  I also know God exists because he created Thin Mint girl scout cookies and Cheese Whiz.  Let's all bow our heads and pray Notre Dame doesn't go undefeated.  Amen.
Sooners - 37
Irish - 21

Texas A&M at Auburn
Johnny Football puts another nail in Gene Chizik's coffin, while Iowa State fans can be heard snickering from two time zones away.
TAMU - 25
AU - 14

Mississippi State at Alabama
Bama clinches the West, while Dan Mullen auditions for one of a half dozen soon-to-be job openings across the country.  Mullen makes my favorite Bama fans in Atlanta and Birmingham sweat it out for three quarters before pulling away. 
Tide - 24
MSU - 10

and finally....

Florida vs. Georgia (at whatever they're calling the Gator Bowl these days)
In terms of demeanor and management style, Mark Richt and Will Muschamp are polar opposites.  If Richt and Muschamp were professional wrestlers, Richt would be Bret Hart...technically sound, solid yet unspectacular, and an absolute bore on the microphone.  Muschamp is more Sid Vicious, or perhaps the Ultimate Warrior...intense, fiery, find yourself watching just in case someone gets thrown through a table or set on fire.  Rarely are you disappointed.

If Richt and Muschamp were old school R&B singers, Richt would be Smokey Robinson...and Muschamp?  Definitely Teddy Pendergrass.  Cue the dream sequence machine and imagine those two going after a 5* stud recruit.

Richt:  "I don't care about anything else but, being with you...being with you..."
Recruit:  "Fucking homo..."

Muschamp:  "YOU GOT, YOU GOT, YOU GOT, WHAT I NEED!!!" (followed by Muschamp sacrificing a small farm animal in the kid's living room)
Recruit:  "I'm enrolling in January.  Where do I sign?"
Recruit's mother:  "I'd like for you to have these." (hands Muschamp her bra and panties)
Recruit's father:  "Did you know Richt is a fucking homo?"

(end dream sequence)

As far as expectations go, each coach has delivered almost the exact opposite of what their respective fan bases expected.  UF barely started the season ranked, while UGA was thought to be the SEC East's #1 contender to Bama's throne.  Eight weeks later UF is nationally relevant, two years ahead of schedule according to my calendar.  Meanwhile UGA is in that familiar position of being good, but not quite good enough to be taken seriously outside of its division.

I never go into this game feeling confident, but UGA's got locker room issues, Jarvis Jones issues and offensive line issues.  Granted, they might have the best offense UF's faced all year, but UF's defense is playing out of its mind.  Short of Jeff Driskel and UF's offense turning the ball over, or Aaron Murray playing the game of his life against the best defense he's faced all season, I expect UF to win this game.

Fuck Georgia.

UF - 28
UGA - 17

Thursday, October 18, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 20 Edition

Steve Spurrier and, friend...prepare for Florida by posing topless together.

Greetings from the 407….don’t start none, won’t be none.

I love my family, and I love college football.  This weekend I was forced to choose between the two.   My cousin is getting married in Jacksonville this weekend to a UF med student.  He comes from a long line of Florida State Seminoles, but he can’t help how he was raised.  I’m just glad he married up. 

I often joke with family members about scheduling weddings during football season, saying if you HAVE to do it, make sure it’s the week before UF plays Georgia.  Historically UF has that week off, and this would have been that week. 

However thanks to Texas A&M and Missouri joining the fold, everyone’s conference schedule got thrown for a loop.  I’m giving my cousin the benefit of the doubt, because they’ve been engaged for what seems like eight years, and they happen to be big football fans.  Yeah I know FSU plays Miami this weekend, but even FSU fans don’t care about Miami anymore.  The 3,000 Miami fans who actually bought tickets don’t care…the 8:00 kickoff gives them something to do before hitting the club.

According to this wedding invitation, the ceremony begins at 4:00pm, thirty minutes after Florida-South Carolina kicks off.  Seeing as how this is a black wedding, there’s a very good chance I’ll be able to watch the entire game before the wedding starts.  That’s how we do.

I love my family.


Alabama at Tennessee
The Southeastern Conference released its 2013 football schedule earlier today, and if you needed a reminder that God’s Conference is headquartered in Birmingham, look no further than Alabama’s conference slate next year.  Outside their division, the Tide's Eastern division opponents are Tennessee….and Tennessee’s freshman team.  Bama also gets to play Ole Miss twice, with an option to drop either LSU or Texas A&M from the schedule depending on who’s ranked higher.  Meanwhile on Rocky Top, recently added a forum specifically for “Tennessee Coaching Rumors and Speculation”, and it’s got over 17,000 posts since October 14th.  I hate to see Derek Dooley go, but the writing is on the rock. 
Tide – 35
Vols – 17

Auburn at Vanderbilt
Gene Chizik is who we thought he was.  It just took a couple seasons for the Cam Newton Effect to wear off.  Now his Iowa State aura is shining through.  It would be nice, just once, to have Auburn rotate back on UF’s schedule when they suck this hard.  James Franklin, this is your audition to move from Nashville to Knoxville…or possibly Auburn, Lexington or Fayetteville.  Don’t f**k it up.
VU Commodores - 24
ISU Cyclo...err...Auburn - 13

LSU at Texas A&M
Screw Freshman of the Year, Johnny Football is on course to winning SEC Player of the Year.  LSU looks like they finally hit stride last week against South Carolina, and they win this game while making Manziel look downright average.
Geaux - 20
Gig 'Em - 17

Kansas State at West Virginia
Kansas State-West Virginia…this sounds like a Sun Bowl matchup from 1987, or perhaps a second round game during March Madness.  KState-WVU sounds like anything but the two best football teams in the Big 12.  Interesting contrast in styles...K-State plays defense and does just enough on offense, while WVU throws the ball 70 times a game and makes no attempt whatsoever to play defense.  Advantage road team.
KSU - 31
WVU - 28

Florida State at Miami
There will be more people at my cousin’s wedding reception doing the Wobble than Miami fans in attendance at this football game. 
Noles – 45
Canes – 17

…and finally

South Carolina at Florida
ESPN Gameday is back in Gainesville, and UF's most beloved brain dead, pot head, drop dead hunky Olympian Ryan Lochte is ESPN guest prognosticator.  This can't end well, can it?  Ryan Lochte and insightful commentary don't exactly go hand-in-hand.  mRs. eViL G thinks he should just stand in front of the Gameday set with with his shirt off, while slowly feeding grapes to himself.

The Gamecocks pulled a Clemson one week too late for Georgia, and one week too early for Florida.  Meanwhile in Gainesville, the Gators are #2 in BCS, which has some less enlightened college football fans crying foul.  To those people I say, please enjoy a nice tall glass of shut the f**k up.  We're only halfway through the season, and as I type this Oregon is on pace to score 146 points against Arizona State.

UF gets a bunch of injured starters back, while South Carolina is banged up.  Marcus Lattimore has a bruised hip, and he's not expected to start, but I'll be shocked if he doesn't play.  Matt Elam, please find out which hip is bruised and react as if that bruised hip did something worthy of celebrating...within the rules of course.  Thanks in advance.

The urge to keep my reverse mojo going is very strong.  Picking UF to lose paid huge dividends for Gator Nation, and yes, you are all welcome.  I fully expected us to lose to Texas A&M, Tennessee and LSU...and I picked accordingly.  But my heart tells me something special is happening with this team, and I can only feel what my heart tells me to feel. 

I expect Florida to beat South Carolina.

Gators - 27
Cocks - 23

Be good.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 13 Edition

Holy that scoreboard right?
Happy Friday from the Sunshine State, where Gator Nation is still partying like it's any year but the last two.  I think I'll go with 2004...Ron Zook's lame duck season culminating with an unexpected win at newly dedicated Bobby Bowden Field.  That's where my happy place is right about now.  Expectations exceeded, but plenty of room for improvement.

Will Muschamp converted the last few non-believers last Saturday, present company included.  I haven't stalked Charlie Strong on Twitter in almost two weeks (follow me @eViLGator).  Co-workers are asking me for South Carolina and Georgia tickets.  Life is good.

Throw in FSU choking away their if winning the ACC matters...along with UGA and Miami getting absolutely destroyed, what you had last week was CFB's version of the perfect storm in the eViL G household.  UF is nationally relevant again, and it feels pretty damn good.

Speaking of feeling good, I'd like to give a huge shout out to my father, who celebrated his 79th birthday yesterday.  He spent the day doing what most 79 year olds do...taking a long ass nap followed by a celebratory birthday dinner.  Sadly the celebration was cut short when my father took an unexpected blindside shot from UF safety Matt Elam, who got a little overzealous at the Ruby Tuesday salad bar.  He's expected to make a full recovery.

Happy Birthday Sam Williams!!  You did a great job raising me, in spite of having me to raise.


Alabama at Missouri
Missouri's maiden SEC voyage hasn't gone as planned.  Georgia slapped Mizzou around in their house, followed by a woodshed beating at South Carolina.  Now Saban's boys are coming to town, and I'm guessing Alabama is sick of hearing about how great South Carolina is.  If Missouri was a professional wrestler, they'd be a career jobber like Jack Swagger or The Brooklyn Brawler...or perhaps Barry O...or Iron Mike Sharpe...never a threat to win, but they put on a good show for the fans.
Tide - 31
Mizzou - 9

Texas A&M at Louisiana Tech
Louisiana Tech is undefeated and ranked #23 in the nation.  No one saw this coming back in September when Hurricane Isaac caused this game to be rescheduled.  No one expected Texas A&M to be the SEC West's second best team either, but I give them the nod over an underachieving LSU squad. TAMU's young QB leads the SEC in total offense and their defense is solid.  More importantly, the better the Aggies look, the better my Gators look.
TAMU - 28
Karl Malone U - 17

Tennessee at Mississippi State
You know who's not thrilled about Louisiana Tech being ranked?  A growing faction of Tennessee fans ready to send Derek Dooley back to Louisiana Tech, where Barbara Dooley's baby boy compiled a sparkling 17-20 record.  Dooley's signature win at UT was against Cincinnati, and he's yet to defeat a ranked team.  Enter Mississippi State, who cracked the Top 25 recently.  Talent isn't the issue in Knoxville, it's attitude and coaching.  Tennessee should wax Mississippi State.  If they don't, I expect Dooley to be long gone from Knoxville this time next year...which would suck because beating Derek helps ease the pain of a childhood filled with losses to his father.  I'm keeping hope alive.
Vols - 38
MSU - 31 

Florida at Vanderbilt
There's no discord in Gator Nation these days...only harmony, unity and puppy dog kisses.  Over on the world's most dangerous internet message board, arguments about the direction of UF football have all but vanished.  All the pissing and moaning over UF's offense...gone.  The most contentious topic of conversation over there these days centers around who has the best donuts, Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme, and everyone knows Krispy Kreme is Dunkin Donuts' bitch.  There are three convenient Dunkin Donuts locations within a 10 minute drive from my house.  The closest Krispy Kreme store to my house burned to the ground a couple nights ago.  They should change the name to Extremely Krispy Kreme.  Oh yeah...the pick...
Gators (DD) - 34
UF's Bitch (KK) - 13

Texas vs. Oklahoma
Mack Brown and Bob Stoops continue to underwhelm in games that matter.  Good thing this is a noon game, because it would get lost in the shuffle.
Sooners - 1.0
Horns - 0.2
and finally...

South Carolina at LSU
Gator Nation's greatest fear has been realized.  Steve Spurrier has South Carolina beating the crap out of some very good teams, not unlike his UF squads from the 1990s.  Granted, Georgia has always been Spurrier's bitch, but this is easily South Carolina's best team ever...whether they win the SEC or not...and Steve Spurrier finally has a playmaking QB who isn't batshit crazy.

Auburn exposed LSU's offense several weeks ago, and LSU's all-world defense was exposed by what was thought to be a weak UF offensive line.  South Carolina's defense is as good as Florida's, if not better, and that offense...damn...

At some point you expect South Carolina to pull a Clemson, turning a what appears to be a championship run into a Chik Fil'A Bowl bid.  Saturday could be that day, but I'm holding out hope the Gamecocks wait another week.
Cocks - 21
Tigers - 7

Be good.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 6 Edition

Corndogs vs. Jorts....Coonasses vs. Crocs....Go vs. Geaux...
Greetings from Central Florida, where I'm watching Southern Cal implode against Utah...and loving every minute of it.  There's no way this score holds up, but if it does I look forward to Colin Cowherd making more excuses for his boy toy Lane Kiffin. 

That's all I got this week.  No time for small talk...the day job requires my immediate attention.  I'm glad it's finally October, now we get knee deep into conference play. 

I just hope my Gators give a better showing this Saturday than the President did last night.


Miami at Notre Dame
The Canes and Irish invade Chicago, a city familiar with Catholics, convicts, Irish people (the majority of which are Catholic) and the occasional high winds.  Miami is undefeated in A She She play, and judging by the other five garbage teams in their division, the A She She might finally get that FSU-Miami matchup in the title game.  It's only fitting the game is in Charlotte now...FSU fans don't travel anymore and Miami fans never did.  The couple dozen Miami fans who traveled to Chicago will get treated to an ass whuppin' by the Irish, followed by an epic beatdown by the NCAA.  Miami's athletic director just left Coral Gables for a new gig in Lincoln, Nebraska.  He left South Florida voluntarily to move to Nebraska.  Think about that for a second.
ND - 28
Da U - 10

West Virginia at Texas
Please forgive us down here in SEC Country if we don't seem all that impressed with Geno Smith's Xbox numbers last week.  But we aren't all that impressed with Geno Smith's Xbox numbers last week.  The Big 12 plays defense about as well as I play golf, and I haven't picked up a club in about six years.  Besides, Geno Smith's been the starting QB at West Virginia since Pacman Jones was a freshman attempting to make it rain with a roll of nickels.  You should be pretty good by now Geno.  Texas is back in the Top 10, and their defense is slightly better than Baylor.  Welcome to the Big 12 WVU.
Horns - 35
WVU - 29

Washington at Oregon
Wahsington beat Stanford, who beat USC, who is currently losing 21-10 to Utah, who lost in overtime to Utah State.  Oregon has shiny helmets.  I hate PAC-12 football.  Oregon scores a point for each of their uniform combinations.
Ducks - 84
Huskies - 21

Georgia at South Carolina
I'm not sure what to make of Georgia.  Playing an emotionally fragile Tennessee squad, with all their defensive studs back from various parole violations, the Dawgs let Big Orange hang around long enough to earn Derek Dooley a three-year contract extension...resulting in spontaneous celebrations from Gainesville to Starkville.  (End dream sequence...)  USC East didn't appear to be all that motivated to play Kentucky last week, and who can blame them.  I'd be looking ahead to Georgia too.  I'm tempted to pick the home team, but I think Aaron Murray is the better QB, and he has more playmakers around him.  I reserve the right to be completely wrong.
Dawgs - 28
Cocks - 23

...and finally

LSU at Florida
What a difference a month makes.  Back on September 4th Gator Nation braced itself for three months of irrelevance, followed by an Outback/Gator/Music City Bowl bid against Purdue.  Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, LSU was ranked #1 in the Coaches Poll, and looked every bit the part of a pissed off team ready to redeem itself after shitting the bed against Alabama in New Orleans.

One month and two impressive road wins later, some notable talking heads are actually picking UF to beat LSU, and I'm referring to UF's head coach by his given name, William Frederick Rerun Stubbs Muschamp.  We've come a long way from getting taunted on national television by LSU's punter.

Both teams feature inexperienced QBs, stout defenses and outstanding kickers.  Fans of both teams are cautiously optimistic.  Two of our best defenders Dominique Easley and Jelani Jenkins are back from injury, providing ammunition to the theory that boys named after strippers are much more likely to be stud athletes than boys named, say, Brian Heald.

I expect an ugly, low scoring, old school SEC defensive struggle.  LSU has a stable full of monster running backs to take the pressure off their inconsistent QB.  LSU's defensive line appears to have a decided advantage against UF's solid but unspectacular offensive line, and in my opinion this is where UF falls short.

Who am I kidding...the obvious intentional reverse mojo pick is in play here, and there's no point in justifying it.  I'm picking UF to lose because when I do, UF usually wins. 

It's science.

LSU - 17
UF - 16