Friday, October 29, 2010

October 30th Picks


Happy Halloween everyone.  eViL G and Coach E are headed home to Jacksonville this weekend, and based on what's likely to happen at EverBank/Alltel/Gator Bowl Stadium, chances are we'll both relive and reopen some deep psychological childhood scars.  The good news is there's still plenty of Zoloft and scotch to go around, thanks to the generosity of our sponsors from Florida-Alabama weekend.

Luckily we have a handful of other games that actually matter, games the rest of the country will be paying more attention to than the abortion Coach E and I will be forced to sit through.  I haven't been this excited about a Florida-Georgia game since 1988.

Compounding my misery is the recent revelation that my darling stepdaughter is planning on moving to New Jersey to live with her boyfriend, which has mRs. eViL all in a tizzy.  The hormone level around this place is through the roof.  Thankfully I get some quality time with Coach E this weekend, and I plan on picking his brain all weekend on the finer points of negotiating marital relations while navigating a domestic minefield.....without having to remodel the master bathroom as a major concession.

Lastly our prayers go out the family of the Notre Dame manager who lost his life this week, and the kid from Rutgers recovering from that terrible spinal injury.


Tennessee at South Carolina
Derek Dooley flew his crazy flag last weekend, comparing his Vols to German armed forces during the attack on Pearl Harbor in Rome while David Hasslehoff was performing in Berlin with the Temptations.  Who knew?  You don't expect a guy with hair that perfect to go all Zookdazzio in front of the media.  This week his Vols will resemble France, and don't expect Darth Spurrier to let up once this thing gets out of hand.
Cocks - 40
Vols - 14

Michigan State at Iowa
It is God's will that no Big 10 team not named Ohio State will ever go undefeated.  It's right there in the Book of Revelations.  Sparty's had a good run, but when you factor in they needed a fluke fake FG to beat a Notre Dame squad who just got waxed by Navy....well now you understand why MSU's coach suffered that heart attack.  Mess with God's will and bad stuff happens.  Michigan State, you're eliminated.
Hawkeyes - 20
Sparty - 17

Missouri at Nebraska
It's Letdown Time in Lincoln.  All week Missouri's squad has been showered with the love and attention that only the finest Big 12 coeds can administer.  Now fellas, think about how motivated you are to do anything after one happy multiply that times a week...with a college kid's libido. I bet some of you fell asleep just thinking about it.  Nebraska ROLLS Mizzou tomorrow.  Book it....Missouri, you are also eliminated.
Huskers - 45
Tigers - 17

Auburn at Ole Miss
This is the sexy upset pick of the week.  Granted, Auburn needed some luck against Clemson and a late drive to fend off pesky Kentucky, but this team appears to be on a mission.  I think Bama eventually beats them in Tuscaloosa, but until then I expect Auburn to cruise through what's left of their conference schedule.  I must admit, the thought of an Auburn-Oregon BCS title game sounds pretty damn entertaining.
War Eagle - 37
Hoddy Toddy - 24

Oregon at Southern Cal
Speaking of Oregon, they look like the nation's best team, in spite of being smallish on defense.  They will STRUGGLE this weekend against the Trojans.  I have a feeling Oregon will teeter on the brink of elimination before pulling out a miracle finish they'll replay over and over again in Eugene for the next 20 years.
Ducks - 29
Trojans - 27

And finally...

Florida vs Georgia
Does this game deserve the coveted "And finally..." spot?  Probably not.  You have to go back over 30 years to find a Florida-Georgia game with both teams unranked.  I think Coach E and I were 6th graders at Holy Rosary Catholic School back then, most likely in trouble for making fun of Sister Mary Berna's moustache.

What's certain about this UF team is its complete and utter offensive incompetency.  You can hang your hat on that.  I don't care about Urban Meyer vowing to fix the offense, the fact is this UF team has easily one of the worst offensive coaching staffs in America...from Steve Addazio to running backs coach Stan Drayton to QB coach Scott Loeffler to offensive line coach Steve Addazio to wide receivers coach Zach Azzani to offensive coordinator Steve Addazio.  I think that's everyone.

The most telling thing about UF's offense (and coaches) is apparently it takes NFL-ready personnel like Aaron Hernandez, Percy Harvin, Riley Cooper, Louis Murphy and an all-timer like Tim Tebow to succeed.  Take away Harvin and Murphy, and the offense is merely average.  Take away Tebow, Cooper and Hernandez and the offense is downright dreadful.  Meanwhile Steve Spurrier took Chris Doering and made him the SEC's all-time leader in TD receptions. 

The UGA fans I know are cautiously optimistic, some downright paranoid about the possibility of losing to UF's worst team since Spurrier came back to Gainesville.  Personally I think UGA's last three wins were all smoke and mirrors...Tennessee, Kentucky and Vanderbilt aren't exactly elite teams.  But UGA will have the best player on the field tomorow in A.J. Green, and unlike UF, they run an offense that works more often than not.

When you factor in UF's defense losing its mojo recently, the pick is an easy one.  Mississippi State dared UF to stop them from running, and UF couldn't.  UGA will bring a more diverse attack, and quite frankly I'm expecting the worst.  Urban Meyer gets a pass this season, but his program is about to hit rock bottom...with South Carolina and FSU still left to play.

You gambling types out there....take UGA and lay the 3 points.  This is easy money.

UGA - 31
UF - 10

Be good.

Friday, October 22, 2010

October 23rd Picks

Happy Friday everyone.  Today's picks are brought to you by ABC Fine Wine and Spirits, Reese's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups and IcyHot medicated patches.

If you added a "What are" in from of this week's sponsors, you'd have the correct Jeopardy question to the answer "This is how eViL gets through the work week without taking a hostage at his real job."

Speaking of that real's calling out for me like right now....


Michigan State at Northwestern
ESPN's Mark Schlabach picked Northwestern to knock off No. 7 Michigan State tomorrow.  Mark Schlabach also smokes crack and molests llamas (allegedly).  The Fighting Wilbons are a respectable (and misleading) 5-1, laying waste to college football powerhouses like Rice, Illinois State, Vanderbilt (ugh) and Central Michigan.  Sparty is the first of at least three conference beatdowns for the Wildcats, as Michigan State makes a BCS case no one thought possible when the season started.
Sparty - 34
Wilbons - 7

Nebraska at Oklahoma State
Like Northwestern, Oklahoma State has been living a lie and will get exposed at home tomorrow.....but not as badly.  Nebraska's receivers literally dropped any chance Nebraska had of making it back to the national title game...they get it all corrected and squeak by on the road.
Cornboys - 24
Cowboys - 20

Wisconsin at Iowa
The match-up between Wisconsin's offensive line and Iowa's defensive line will be fun to watch...until Adrian Clayborn and company impose their will and stonewall John Clay and the talented freshman White.  On second thought I take that back.  Watching Iowa and Wisconsin play each other on Saturday is a lot like watching the Ravens play the Giants on Sunday....not exactly fun, but it's good background noise.  It holds your attention for about a quarter then you wind up doing yard work.
Hawkeyes - 23
Badgers - 14

Alabama at Tennessee
Bama continues their climb back in the BCS title hunt, while Keith Edwards cheers on Northwestern, Missouri and Air Force as though his life depended on it.  Bama didn't look all that great last week against Ole Miss, but raise your hand if you're ready to pick Tennessee to cover, let alone win this game.  That's what I thought.
Crimson - 28
Orange - 10

Oklahoma at Missouri
I know absolutely nothing about undefeated Missouri.  I know Oklahoma is talented but very young, and they've had a couple close calls already.  Aw what the hell...
Mizzou - 24
Sooners - 21

And finally....

LSU at Auburn
In hindsight I would have purchased a laptop for Cam Newton...a shiny new MacBook, or perhaps an HP Pavillion from Best Buy.  Now all I can do is wonder what could have been.

Auburn looks like the real deal, on one side of the ball at least.  If they had a real defense (like LSU), they'd be knocking on Atlanta's door.  As it stands now we all must wait patiently for the mother of all Iron Bowls next month.

Like Northwestern, Missouri and eventually Michigan State, LSU is living on borrowed time.  In spite of Les being Les, he's exceeded expectations so far this season, which means he'll likely be back next season.  That's enough to make any SEC fan not wearing purple feel good.

The bottom line is Cam Newton is a beast, and he's proven me wrong at every turn this season.  LSU's defense will be his toughest test to date.  It won't be easy and it won't be pretty, but Auburn marches on.

LSU, you're eliminated.

Plainsmen - 31
Cajuns - 27

Be good.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Offenses That Smell Like Tuna, Dropped Title Chances and Cam Motherf***ing Newton

Some thoughts from this weekend:
  • Thanks to everyone who texted, e-mailed or called this weekend to make sure I was okay.  I love you all, and yes, I'm okay.  I think my stepdaughter took the loss harder than I did.  How much do I love this kid?  She got to sit up in Champions Club while the Mrs. and I sat with the unwashed masses seven rows up in the south end zone. 
  • The good news about the Mississippi State loss, like all Mississippi State losses, is that now changes will have to be made.  It's bad when your opponent beats you by playing what amounts to a four corners offense because they KNOW you can't score.
  • I take back everything I said about Cam Newton.  There's still a chance he stinks up the joint at Bryant-Denny, but this cat is a freak of nature and there's no denying he's the Heisman frontrunner.
  • Boise State just might find a way to sneak into this BCS title game.  Oklahoma could easily get tripped up by Nebraska in the Big 12 title game, Bama should handle Auburn at home, and Oregon is always good for a loss no one saw coming. 
  • Michigan State need not make reservations for Glendale're Michigan State.  I look forward to watching your band do that sweet kickstep entrance at the CapOne Bowl on New Years Day.
  • Back to UF's offense.....remember the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy?  There's a scene where Eddie's character is all messed up because Robin Givens was messing with his head.  During this time Eddie's character, who was in charge of the Marketing department, gave an employee who worked under him complete responsibility for producing an ad campaign for a designer fragrance.  The result was a disaster....the ad campaign featured Grace Jones painfully giving birth to this "fragrance" from her woman parts (who wouldn't want to smell like that?), and Murphy's character almost lost his job over it.  This my friends is what's happened to UF's offense...Meyer handed the keys over to an underqualified employee who can add value in some areas (recruiting and offensive line coach) but is woefully over his head as a coordinator.  The result is the abortion you saw Saturday night.  From this point forward my new nickname for Steve Addazio is "Strange" (pronounced stron-JAY).
  • Steve Spurrier....what the f**k bro?  It's Kentucky!!!  I know how much you hate kicking field goals but DAY-YAM!!!  You could have wrapped up the East.
  • By the time you've read this far, Nebraska's receivers dropped another three wide open TD passes from the kid Martinez.
  • I also take back everything good I ever said about Terrell Pryor.
  • UF should break out those orange jerseys again, because in two weeks Georgia is going to party like it's 1982.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Coach E's October 16th Midseason Musings

Coach E’s October 16th Midseason Musings:

1) Last week I went 0 – 3. Coach E broke the cardinal speculator’s rule last week. Coach E chased after money and it resulted in making some dumb picks. For the year I’m barely over 50% and that’s just not getting it done. Therefore; I have imposed a brief but needed self-imposed hiatus from trying to augment my income through irrational financial speculation based upon the on-field performances of 18-23 year old kids. This weeks picks are being substituted by a few brief observations:

Please by a show of hands tell me if anyone was surprised by self-proclaimed whistleblower Josh Luchs revelations to Sports Illustrated that college athletes take money from agents…..I’ll wait. Ok, next question. Is anyone unaware that the revenue generating amateur athletic programs of NCAA institutions is all basically one big lie? No hands there either I see. So why is there all this fuss over this story? College athletics is a business and in business, pretty much everyone lies. If you were surprised by this, Coach E says shame on you!

It’s over for Joe Paterno. I’m not saying anything that comes as a surprise, but the time has come for Mr. Penn State to hang it up. The Lions don’t have players and it simply comes down to recruiting. It’s been over 3 years since either Joe Paterno or Galen Hall have made a house visit to a high profile recruit with Terrelle Pryor being the last. Joe you don’t have the energy to fix this mess. Please walk away now. With Nebraska coming to the Big Ten, it’s just going to get worse. Just because you built it, doesn’t mean you get to keep it forever.

Coach E can’t tell who wants to win the Big East. Clearly, the best personnel in the conference reside in Morgantown, West Virginia. However; they even seem to play down to the level of their opponent as evidenced in last nights USF game. If the Mountaineers can’t run the table in the Big East, no one from that conference deserves to go to a BCS game. The only team that can compete with WVU is Cincinnati and I’m not sold on them either.

The magical ingredient needed to turn the fortunes of a football program around seems to be a dash of Stoops. The Stoops brothers all seem to have a touch of Lazarus in them like the Michael Clarke Duncan character in “The Green Mile”. Bob turns around Oklahoma. Mike turns around Arizona, and now Mark has turned around Florida State’s moribund defense.

Coach E maintains that Oklahoma will face The Ohio State University in the BCS title game and nothing has happened yet to change my opinion/prognostication. The only flies in the ointment can come from either Nebraska (if they beat OU in the Big XII title game) or Oregon if they run the table. OU just has to win out and OSU beats a pedestrian Wisconsin and Iowa.

And Finally…A Note to Gator Offensive Coordinator Steve Addazio
Nothing burns my shorts more than watching coaches who are so divorced from reality that they cannot make adjustments to save what is entirely salvageable. That description fits Gator offensive coordinator Steve Addazio to a tee! Last week you had 2nd and goal from the LSU one-yard line and come away with no points. What frosted me was not the fact that UF missed 2 field goal attempts; it was the village idiot Addazio’s demeanor when the offense came back to the sideline. You said nothing and you did nothing while the guys were huddled around you. I watched you and your offense watching the defense when LSU had the ball. Watch this here:
You did not say a word! You sat there just watching the game like you had bought a doggone ticket. Attitude reflects leadership! Steve Addazio you lack the basic leadership traits that are required of a school crossing guard. I put last week’s loss squarely on your shoulders. UF was never to be a National Championship contender but there is just too much talent on the offensive side of the ball for this garbage. With Addazio in charge, there isn’t a kid on the offensive side of the ball that scares an SEC defensive coordinator. Pick up the slack you moron! Hey, how about a downfield pass over 10 yards to get defenses from playing a doggone 4-4-3 and eating up your predictable 2nd down and 10 dive play you idiot.

October 16th Picks

Greetings everyone.  Welcome to the team building edition of the weekly picks, brought to you by your good friends at the cable company, Universal Studios and my favorite Orlando Chrysler Jeep dealership, aka the customer who helped yours truly make his sales quota for October.

Our sales team is playing hooky today.....instead of providing excellent customer service through tailored communications solutions for Central Florida's enterprise business customers, we're going to Islands of Adventure to let off some steam.  So while you guys are working, or giving the appearance of doing work while setting your fantasy lineups, I'll be riding the Hulk, eating funnel cakes and hitting the "ignore" button on my Blackberry all damn day long.

So what did we learn this week?  Agents pay players.  Coal miners in Chile pull tail like rock stars.  Playoff baseball is just as boring as regular season baseball.  Steve Addazio is still an idiot.  Brett Favre channeled his inner Tiger Woods, and saved TMZ the trouble of having to take pictures.  Based on eyewitness accounts, Brett Favre will never be mistaken for Brandon Spikes.

That's all I got...Islands of Adventure is calling...


Mississippi State at Florida
Tensions are running high in Gainesville, as the natives continue to take aim at Steve Addazio and his abysmal play calling.  Addazio has been quoted as saying the team is improving and he's pleased with the progress.  Addazio also thinks the Chilean mining industry has never been safer.  Addazio could learn a thing or two from MSU coach Dan Mullen, who will give an uninspired UF squad all they can handle before realizing they're Mississippi State.
Gators - 21
Other Dawgs - 16

Boston College at Florida State
Raise your hand if you had FSU beating Miami by four touchdowns.  Anyone?  Usually BC gives FSU fits with their power running game and stingy defense, but I expect them to take a beating similar to what we saw at Joe Landshark Pro Robbie Player Stadium last Saturday.
Noles - 45
Eagles - 17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
The Dawgs seemed to have found themselves last week at home against Big Orange.  The positive momentum continues as Aaron Murray and A.J. Green play pitch and catch all day.  Who needs Caleb King?
Dawgs - 45
Vandy - 7

South Carolina at Kentucky
The new SEC darling ventures into Lexington, where the 'Cats gave Auburn all they could handle last week.  History tells us South Carolina should tank a couple games at some point, but these Gamecocks look like a bunch on a mission to make some history of their own.  Someone needs to check Marcus Lattimore's birth certificate to make sure he's not 34 years old.
SEC East Champs - 27
SEC East Chumps - 3

Ohio State at Wisconsin
ESPN Gameday is in Madison tomorrow, easily one of our nation's most underrated college campuses.  Sure their coeds are pasty and they eat lots of cheese, but the campus is absolutely beautiful.  Camp Randall will be rocking, but the Badgers are a little too vanilla on offense and too slow on defense  to keep this one from getting out of hand.  Little known first job interview after graduating from UF was in Madison.  I was a finalist to drive the Weinermobile for Oscar Mayer.  (Insert your own joke here.)
Brutus - 31
Bucky - 20

Texas at Nebraska
The blackshirts are back, while Texas is reeling after back-to-back losses.  Texas, like my Gators, still haven't found their offensive identity, other than being offensive.  Nebraska on the other hand has a rising star at QB and plenty of incentive to make a statement nationally, even if Texas no longer looks like Texas.
Huskers - 28
Horns - 10

And finally....

Arkansas at Auburn
Screw ESPN Gameday and screw the Big 10.  This game will have a bigger impact on the national championship picture than any other on the slate tomorrow.  Auburn, Arkansas, Alabama and LSU will play what amounts to a round robin tournament to see who gets to play South Carolina (or pound the snot out of Florida) in Atlanta.

Ryan Mallett got most of the pre-season hype, but Cam Newton is getting all the love as the SEC's top QB, even if he's still a little wet behind the ears.  I'm tempted to take Arkansas on the road, but my gut tells me Mallett throws at least 3 picks trying to imitate Jay Cutler.  Auburn has the better defense, and they're playing at home.

The SEC West picture gets a little clearer...Arkansas, you're eliminated.

War Eagles - 24
Hawgs - 20

Be good.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Orange Jerseys, Pumping Gas and Other Assorted Miscellany

Some thoughts from this weekend....

  • Florida busted out the orange jerseys for the first time since yours truly was a junior at UF, which is only fitting because back then our offense was just as boring and predictable as it is now.  Back then it was Emmitt left, Emmitt right, Emmitt up the middle, punt.  Now it's dive play, screen pass, incomplete pass, punt.
  • Alshon Jeffery should send Lane Kiffin a fruit basket for his little motivational ploy over a year.  Thanks to Kiffin telling Jeffery he'll be home "pumping gas" if he didn't attend Tennessee, this kid has blossomed into perhaps the best receiver in college football.  Around this time in 2012, Alshon will own a chain of gas stations, which is good considering he'll be driving an extremely expensive car with really poor gas mileage.
  • Does anyone want to play Michigan State?  Anyone?
  • The Miami program is officially dead.  It wasn't going to get any better than it got this year thanks to some subpar recruiting classes (to go along with subpar coaching), and if you thought attendance sucked before Saturday...just you wait.  The Miami Northwestern-Carol City game will attract more fans.
  • Speaking of really shitty coaches, I'd like to thank Steve Addazio for another brilliant night of play calling.  For the 2010 season, UF is averaging a deadly 0.85 yards on first down.  Suddenly UF's senior-laden offensive line can't block anyone.  Let's see...who is UF's offensive line coach...oh yeah, Steve Addazio.
  •  UGA got back on track just in time for another player to get arrested.  This is the off the field equivalent of going for two with a 5 touchdown lead.  UGA is lapping the field like Secretariat in the Belmont.
  • In spite of what happened at the Rose Bowl last season, Oregon should be ranked #1 ahead of Ohio State.
  • I've come to the conclusion that Les Miles is an extra terrestrial being from another planet.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Coach E's October 9th Fall Cash Campaign

Coach E’s October 9th pick will stink again for the following reasons:

1) The kids have reduced Coach E & Mrs. Coach E’s Love Life to tatters. I’m contemplating taking up jogging just so I can hear heavy breathing again!

2) Coach E just got hit with the runaway train estimate from his contractor for Mrs. Coach E’s bathroom oasis remodel plans. Let’s just say there should have been a decimal point one digit to the left and the first digit should have been a 1 instead of a 2. Look’s like, I’ll be sleeping on the couch for a few nights to atone for the string of profanities that came from my mouth when Mrs. Coach E said “Oh, that’s not so bad!” I’m going to be too poor to afford welfare. I wonder if vending machines take food stamps?

3) Coach E will need all the patience he can muster this weekend. Tomorrow, I’m headed to JAX to see the folks and take Coach E Sr. and Little Coach E to the LSU @ UF game. Coach E will watch his father piddle about for about 2 hours post our target departure schedule and waste valuable tailgating & ticket procurement time. Jesus, please give me strength.

On to the picks….

eViL took care of business below in all the games I care about with his irrefutable analysis. So let’s just cover my capital raising activities to see if I can pay for this doggone bathroom.

The Weekend of the Road Favorite

UConn @ Rutgers (+5)
Scarlet Knights coach Greg Schiano used to be a covering machine. Now that crown belongs to Husky coach Randy Edsall. Take the boys from Storrs to make you some money.

UConn – 31
Scarlet Pimpernels - 20

Auburn @ Kentucky (+6)
This is a slight reach, but I’m desperate. The line has gone down this week from +8. Kentucky just does not have the defense. Take Auburn to cover.

War Eagle – 27
Calipari State - 17

San Diego State @ BYU (+4)
Coach doeth careth not about religion. Coach E treasur’eth the delta faucet fixtures that Brady Hoke’s Aztec turnaround can provid’eth to Mrs. Coach E so’eth Coach E can’eth have’th peace’th in his’eth hous’eth. Amen’eth!

Azteceth – 27eth
Mormoneth – 14 eth

Be Safeth and be humaneth!

October 9th Picks

Greetings everyone.  Since I'm pressed for time, today's picks are brought to you by 6-minute abs, 5-Hour Energy and the late, great 30-second philospher Nipsey Russell.

Many college football teams are still searching for an identity; Florida and Southern Cal I'm looking directly at you.  Look for these, and other teams to further discover their personalities tomorrow.

Speaking of personalities, some of you may not be aware the eViL family recently had a new addition to our household.  My wife's 21 year-old daughter recently moved in with us, making me an instant stepdad.  And as far as you pervs are concerned, my stepdaughter may as well be 5 feet tall, weigh 185 pounds, has a lazy eye growing out of her addtion to sporting a kick-ass moustache.  Yep, that's my princess.

I never fully realized just how much brain capacity is wasted by the average 21 year-old, and I never really had an appreciation for their thought process.  It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.  For instance, my stepdaughter recently got a promotion at her job, and is working towards a career in the dental field.  So it should come as no surprise she's currently dating a guy with a neck tattoo.  Nothing screams upward mobility like permantly tattooing your name under your left ear.  You'd think a having a valid passport or drivers license would be enough to prove who you are.

Anyways, they say children change your life forever, and for the first time in my 40+ years of existence I can now say I understand.  The Ike Turner Memorial Bachlor Pad (now sponsored by Martha Stewart and Brighton) will never be the same. 


Tennessee at Georgia
The last time these two teams played each other, BOTH with losing records, was somewhere around the turn of the century...the 20th century...1905 to be exact.  I really don't think UGA is as bad as their record indicates, but their record pleases me nonetheless.  I still don't know what to make of Tennessee.  The team that stood toe-to-toe with Oregon has gone AWOL, and it's been replaced with a team in need of counseling.  However I do give the Vols credit for that unstoppable 6-3-4 scheme they used against LSU.  UGA is the taller midget here, and they're playing at home.
We Lost to Colorado- 19
We Shoulda Lost to UAB - 17

Southern Cal at Stanford
Okay, so perhaps I underestimated Oregon last week.  It happens.  But rarely am I wrong about the same team two weeks in a row.  Expect Stanford to bounce back in a big way and CRUSH the Trojans, and also expect Lane Kiffin's facial expression to resemble that of a spoiled 7 year-old girl who didn't get the pony she wanted for her birthday.
Trees - 28
Jimmy Hats - 10

Michigan State at Michigan
If you believe all the talking heads on ESPN, this year's Heisman race is all but over.  Denard Robinson has it locked up, and he's on pace to make Tim Tebow's 2007 numbers look downright ordinary.  Robinson's biggest roadblock to winning the Heisman is his own defense, who can't seem to stop anyone.  France thinks Michigan's defense is weak.  Hopefully Denard Robinson will hold up the rest of the season...if he does he'll be holding up the Heisman in December.  Personally I think he hits a wall over the next month as Michigan starts playing stronger opposition....the wall-hitting starts tomorrow.
Green Monster - 38
Big Blue - 35

Florida State at Miami
Wix and I had lunch at the Wing House on Wednesday, and in between solving the world's problems and discussing the pitfalls of raising children, we both agreed that Miami has too many horses for his Noles to handle.  Miami's running game isn't spectacular, but their offensive line is very good, while FSU's defensive line is undersized.  Jacory Harris is overrated, but FSU's secondary is soft.  Greg Reid still refuses to tackle anyone.  FSU's defensive coaches still don't understand the tight end is an eligible receiver.  Miami will score and score often....FSU will score too, just not as often.
scUM - 28
Noles - 16

LSU at Florida
Just when Gator Nation reached a boiling point over their offensive shortcomings, next up on the schedule is LSU, who just so happens to be coached by a guy riding the short bus.  Last week Les Miles took it to what I like to call "the whole 'nother level" by dragging the opposing coach down to his level....and we're talking about Derek Dooley, an educated man who practiced law before coaching football.  Imagine what Miles will do to Steve Addazio.  Seriously, watching the end of that Tennessee-LSU game was like watching someone toss baby kittens into a bonfire, only more horrifying.  For all that's wrong with UF's offense, LSU's offense is worse.  UF's defense is itching to redeem themselves after last week, and the good guys are playing at home under the lights.  Advantage good guys.
Reptiles - 24
Cajuns - 10

And finally...

Alabama at South Carolina
Alabama begins the "lumberjack match" portion of their schedule, when just about all of their opponents have a week off before facing the Tide.  I liken this to the old Florida Championship Wrestling days (with your host Gordon Solie) when Andre the Giant would take on multiple scrubs like Raul Matta, Iron Mike Sharp, or any of the Funk or von Erich brothers at the same time in a classic lumberjack match.  Just when Andre caught his breath, some fresh new opponent would show up and start wailing on him.  Usually a Pier 6 brawl ensued, and it wasn't uncommon for someone's face to become a crimson mask.  Good times.

South Carolina might be the best team in the East, but as far as the SEC race is concerned, being best in the East is like being the fastest one-legged person on planet.  It only gets you so far, especially when Usain Bolt is waiting for you in Atlanta.  Stephen Garcia still drives Steve Spurrier apeshit over his decision making, but for the first time since Fred Taylor, the ole ball coach has a legit tailback who can control the clock and the game.

Bama is in cruise control, and they simply do not make mistakes.  They are head and shoulders above everyone in college football.  Right now Bama is no worse than the 3rd best team in the NFC West.

Ask yourself these three questions....
  • Can you envision a freshman tailback single-handedly beating the Tide? (actually I can, but I was a sophomore at UF when Emmitt did it in way back in 19 and 87) 
  • Can you see Stephen Garcia carrying out the ole ball coach's instructions perfectly?
  • Do you expect South Carolina to do anything other than what South Carolina normally does in so-called big games, regardless of venue?
That's what I thought.

Tide - 27
Cocks - 13

Be good.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Post Bama Beatdown Rant....

I would absolutely LOVE to be a fly on the wall inside Steve Addazio’s head.  Sure I’d have to contend with a bunch of other flies buzzing around, but I really need to know his thought process while preparing for Alabama last week.
First there was the ill-fated jump pass on 4th down.  Let’s see, first UF unveils Trey Burton against Kentucky.  Seeing as how ESPN Gameday now has about 6 hours of airtime to fill on Saturday morning, they run the obligatory vignette on Trey Burton, calling him “Tebow Lite” and whatnot.  Surely the Alabama coaches wouldn’t be ready for the jump pass, or anything else Tebow-like for that matter.  Not only were they ready for it, but Bama’s defensive coordinator Kirby Smart got the play call into our offense before Addazio did.  Smart was jumping around on the sideline like Wisconsin’s student section after the third quarter.
Then throughout the night you attempt to confuse and befuddle…that’s a synonym for confuse Steve…the nation’s best defense by having your pocket QB run the option, to the short side of the field, with your slowest tailback.  Oh, before I forget Steve, the term “synonym” is used to describe two words that have the same meaning.  As in “Addazio” is a synonym for “functioning retard”.
It’s not as though UF would have won if the play calling was better.  Saturday night wasn’t exactly the finest hour for UF’s defense either.  The truth is Alabama’s just the best team in the country, and nothing short of a perfect game by an opponent combined with Alabama making all kinds of mistakes will change that.  The problem is Bama rarely makes mistakes.  Say what you want about Nick Saban, dude can flat out coach, and he’s quickly making Florida his bottom bitch.
What’s more telling and uncertain is the future of UF football under Urban Meyer.   Addazio isn’t going anywhere…he’s a made man as far as Urban Meyer is concerned.  UF has enough talent to “out athlete” the Kentuckys and Vanderbilts, but when there’s equal talent, expect UF to get outcoached.  It’s that simple.
Lucky for the Gators Les Miles will be on the opposite sideline in Gainesville this weekend.

Friday, October 1, 2010

October 2nd Picks

Welcome to the latest edition of our weekly picks, brought to you by Winter Park Urology, Xanax, ABC Fine Wine and Spirits, Zoloft, and my company’s Employee Assistance Plan. 
This is definitely the weekend for self-medication. 
It’s bad enough my Gators will get a thorough curb stomping in Tuscaloosa tomorrow night.  Today also marks the end of 2010’s third quarter, which means I’ll soon be reminded of how much business I didn’t bring in over the last three months.  Yes, the dreaded quarterly review is coming, and the story is not a happy one.   If all of a sudden my jokes actually make you laugh or my picks start making sense, you’ll know I’m working on this blog full-time.
But it gets even better.  If potential unemployment isn't enough, as I type this I’m only an hour removed from my annual prostate checkup.  For whatever reason, my urologist felt the need to have not one, but THREE residents to sit in on my check up.  It was like a scene straight from the old HBO series Oz. Now I’ve never been to prison before, but….nevermind….
Has anyone seen my dignity?

Texas vs. Oklahoma
What's going on in Austin?  When you get crushed at home by PAC-10 teams not named Oregon or Southern Cal, you have issues.  I’ll stop short of bashing Mack Brown, because Scottie Ray is only a short drive away from Orlando.  But for all of the so-called advantages Texas has over their financially inferior conference brethren, you’d think they would have more than one national title to show for it.  Oklahoma won’t be tested again until they face Nebraska in the Big XII Championship Game.
Sooners – 31
Horns - 14

Tennessee at LSU
Speaking of getting crushed by Oregon, Tennessee limps into Red Stick after UAB took a big steamy dump all over themselves last week.  FIVE missed FGs?  That’s like five FSU-Miami games in one day.  Confidence isn’t exactly at an all-time high for LSU either.  The Tigers passing game ranks 115th in college football, and I think there’s only 113 teams.  Jordan Jefferson is playing like Weezie Jefferson, and the natives are getting restless in spite of LSU’s 4-0 record.  LSU isn’t as good as their 4-0 record suggests, but Tennessee is just really bad right now.
LSU – 27
Vols – 7

Miami at Clemson
The ACC conference opener for both teams could be a preview of the ACC Championship Game….plenty of tickets left for that one folks.  Clemson wins this one going away after selling out against the run, resulting in no less than three Jacory Harris interceptions.  God I hope Randy Shannon stays at Miami forever.
Clemson – 24
Miami - 13

FSU at Virginia
Christian Ponder is no longer a Heisman candidate.  FSU fans no longer bother to show up for home games, and they have no championship delusions above and beyond winning the Atlantic Division.  Welcome to the acceptance stage Seminole fans.  Look on the bright side…the ACC is garbage and Virginia is no better than the Wake Forest team you shut out last week.
Noles – 42
Wahoos – 17

Georgia at Colorado
A change of scenery west of the Mississippi is just what the doctor ordered for the hapless Dawgs.  Too bad this game doesn’t count in the SEC race.
Dawgs – 17
Buffs – 14

Stanford at Oregon
Andrew Luck is the best QB in the country.  Yeah, I said it Auburn fans.  Jim Harbaugh might be the best coach in the country.  You hear me Alabama fans?  Stanford might be the best team in the PAC-10.  Hey Lane Kiffin, wrap your big weasel lips around that and suck it.  Stanford will abuse and overpower an undersized Oregon team in Eugune tomorrow night.   There’s not much room left on the Stanford bandwagon…..but I got my seat.  Fear the Tree.
Cardinal – 41
Ducks – 24

And finally…

Florida at Alabama
With apologies to my second favorite Alabama fan on the planet Keith Edwards, I refuse to be lulled into a false sense of hope.  Last year Bama struggled to get past Auburn in the season finale while my Gators cruised at home against FSU.  Fast forward ten months where UF finally showed signs of life offensively against Kentucky, while Bama struggled at Arkansas until Ryan Mallett got all generous.

I look at this game much like I look at my recent sales performance.  If Florida does everything right, plays the perfect game in all phases it still might not be good enough.  Defensively UF has to contend with the best set of skill players in college football, and offensively UF has too many question marks in the passing game.  Trey Burton is NOT the answer for what ails Florida’s passing game.  Florida has no game breakers other than Jeff Demps, and he was seen leaving practice on Wednesday walking with a limp.

The best I can hope for is a competitive game where UF competes for 60 minutes, followed two months later by a rematch in Atlanta after 40% of Bama’s team contracts a nasty case of rickets.  If that happens I really like Florida’s chances.  Until then….

Tide – 33
Gators – 14

Be good.

Coach E 10/2/2010 Picks

Coach E’s October 2nd picks will stink once again for the following reason:

1) Coach E is due for some bad luck. I’ve managed to go a whole week without sitting on my nuts. I actually made some money last weekend going 3 for 5 in bets. Mrs. Coach E and I got some alone time without the kids last Saturday and had the energy to bring about a moratorium in the 2010 Coach E Love Embargo. And Bishop Eddie Long has finally quit sending me pictures & asking me to come over to his house for spiritual counseling!
It can only go downhill from here.

Moneymakers for Speculators (5 games to bet)

Northwestern @ Minnesota (+5.5)
This is the easiest money of the weekend to be had here with such a low line. Listen up Gopher fans, what goes around come back around given how you ran Glenn Mason out of town. You are Minnesota. Not Nebraska, not Penn State, not Iowa, and damn sure not The Ohio State University. Tim Brewster officially receives his walking papers after another embarrassing loss this weekend.

Purple Wilbons -31
Rodents - 10

Penn State @ Iowa (-7)
If Owl RB Bernard Pierce had not gotten hurt last Saturday, the nation would be talking about Temple’s epic upset in Happy Valley. Simply, this is not a good Penn State team. I hope Joe Paterno sticks it out for another year so he can go out a winner. Iowa takes care of business and flummoxes the true frosh Lion QB.

Hawkeyes – 24
Lions - 10

Nevada @ UNLV (+20.5)
It’s all about the Benjamins folks. As the Pet Shop Boys would say in the classic song Opportunities; Coach E has the brains and you have the looks, let’s make lots of money. Weird question. Why is Nevada the Wolf Pack while NC State is the Wolfpack???

Wolf Pack – 41
Tarkanians - 7

The Ohio State @ Illinois (+17)
We have a battle of wits between Jim Tressel & Ron Zook for the Illnibuck Trophy. Coach E will take Tressel all day. Not an appealing game for a spectator. However; this one is very nice for a speculator. Tressel knows style points will be critical to make the case for the BCS this year.

Buckeyes – 38
Zooks -10

Washington @ USC (-10)
Revenge game for the Trojans. Coming off last week, I’ll take Lane Kiffin to cover the spread as Jake Locker curses himself for not leaving last year and costing his family millions.

Troy – 24
Huskies -13

Sucker Bets (Keep yo’ money in yo’ pocket games)

Georgia Tech @ Wake Forest (+9.5)
The Coach E 2010 College Football tour heads to Winston Salem to view what will undoubtedly be an ugly contest. Jacket QB Josh Nesbitt’s putrid passing ability has gotten worse and Paul Johnson’s defense is softer than a down pillow. However; the Deacon defense resembles a mediocre high school team. Wake doesn’t have a healthy QB after back to back trips to Stanford & FSU. Any financial speculation on the outcome of this one would be insanity personified. Nevertheless, for shits & giggles, I’ll take the Jackets to cover

Ugly & Nerdy Atlanta Style - 31
Homely & Nerdy NC Style – 21

Florida @ Alabama (-8)
I’m sorry Jay Howard. Coach E must humbly disagree with your opinion to the media that Tide RB Mark Ingram is just another player. Coach E simply says nay-nay. Mark Ingram is not just another player. He with a dash of Trent Richardson can be your worst nightmare if they get beyond the front seven and into the secondary. It was nice to see the UF offense humming a bit last week, but that was against Kentucky. Florida manages a backdoor cover but I can't go against Tide QB McElroy. The kid just does not lose.
Slammer Jammer – 24
Orange & Blue – 17

Tennessee @ LSU (-16)
Coach E must apologize to Vol fans for what I’m about to say. The UT program is in a truck stop toilet. You needed an all-timer horrible performance from a kicker and some boneheaded Blazer coaching decisions (e.g. a 54 yd field goal try rather than punting or going for it on 4th and 2 late) to beat UAB at home. Now you have to face LSU on the road. However; you do have a shot at covering the spread because without a doubt, Jordan Jefferson is the worst QB in the SEC. Les Miles and Gary Crowton have the best athlete on the planet in Patrick Peterson and still refuses to put in a package to utilize his talents on the offensive side of the ball. Are those two competing for the Idiot of the Year Trophy or what?

Tigahs – 26
Knox Vegas - 10

Stanford @ Oregon (-7)
The best game of the weekend by far. The strategy for both coaches is very simple. Jim Harbaugh wants to take the ball and physically punish you for 4 quarters while Chip Kelly wants to spread it out & score a point a minute with home run hitters at the skill positions. What’s gonna happen? Hell if Coach E knows. The Magic 8 Ball says Oregon gets revenge at home from last year’s beat down at the Farm. Still a little voice inside of me says that Stanford covers.

Duxx – 28
Cardinal – 24

Texas vs. Oklahoma (-3.5)
Both UT and OU were caught looking ahead last weekend. Sadly for the Horns, they flat out got pistol whipped (pun intended). The Sooners should need no motivation to get up for this game and Stoops redeems his long ago lost dominance against Mack Brown.

Billy Simms - 17
Earl Cambell - 14

Miami @ Clemson (+3)
Take Clemson to win this one outright. I’ll take the steady QB play of Kyle Parker at home over Mr. Interception Jacory Harris any day.

Tigers - 20
Canes - 14

Be safe and be Human!
Coach E