Welcome to the latest edition of our weekly picks, brought to you by Winter Park Urology, Xanax, ABC Fine Wine and Spirits, Zoloft, and my company’s Employee Assistance Plan.
This is definitely the weekend for self-medication.
It’s bad enough my Gators will get a thorough curb stomping in Tuscaloosa tomorrow night. Today also marks the end of 2010’s third quarter, which means I’ll soon be reminded of how much business I didn’t bring in over the last three months. Yes, the dreaded quarterly review is coming, and the story is not a happy one. If all of a sudden my jokes actually make you laugh or my picks start making sense, you’ll know I’m working on this blog full-time.
But it gets even better. If potential unemployment isn't enough, as I type this I’m only an hour removed from my annual prostate checkup. For whatever reason, my urologist felt the need to have not one, but THREE residents to sit in on my check up. It was like a scene straight from the old HBO series Oz. Now I’ve never been to prison before, but….nevermind….
Has anyone seen my dignity?
Texas vs. Oklahoma
What's going on in Austin? When you get crushed at home by PAC-10 teams not named Oregon or Southern Cal, you have issues. I’ll stop short of bashing Mack Brown, because Scottie Ray is only a short drive away from Orlando. But for all of the so-called advantages Texas has over their financially inferior conference brethren, you’d think they would have more than one national title to show for it. Oklahoma won’t be tested again until they face Nebraska in the Big XII Championship Game.
Sooners – 31
Horns - 14
Tennessee at LSU
Speaking of getting crushed by Oregon, Tennessee limps into Red Stick after UAB took a big steamy dump all over themselves last week. FIVE missed FGs? That’s like five FSU-Miami games in one day. Confidence isn’t exactly at an all-time high for LSU either. The Tigers passing game ranks 115th in college football, and I think there’s only 113 teams. Jordan Jefferson is playing like Weezie Jefferson, and the natives are getting restless in spite of LSU’s 4-0 record. LSU isn’t as good as their 4-0 record suggests, but Tennessee is just really bad right now.
LSU – 27
Vols – 7
Miami at Clemson
The ACC conference opener for both teams could be a preview of the ACC Championship Game….plenty of tickets left for that one folks. Clemson wins this one going away after selling out against the run, resulting in no less than three Jacory Harris interceptions. God I hope Randy Shannon stays at Miami forever.
Clemson – 24
Miami - 13
FSU at Virginia
Christian Ponder is no longer a Heisman candidate. FSU fans no longer bother to show up for home games, and they have no championship delusions above and beyond winning the Atlantic Division. Welcome to the acceptance stage Seminole fans. Look on the bright side…the ACC is garbage and Virginia is no better than the Wake Forest team you shut out last week.
Noles – 42
Wahoos – 17
Georgia at Colorado
A change of scenery west of the Mississippi is just what the doctor ordered for the hapless Dawgs. Too bad this game doesn’t count in the SEC race.
Dawgs – 17
Buffs – 14
Stanford at Oregon
Andrew Luck is the best QB in the country. Yeah, I said it Auburn fans. Jim Harbaugh might be the best coach in the country. You hear me Alabama fans? Stanford might be the best team in the PAC-10. Hey Lane Kiffin, wrap your big weasel lips around that and suck it. Stanford will abuse and overpower an undersized Oregon team in Eugune tomorrow night. There’s not much room left on the Stanford bandwagon…..but I got my seat. Fear the Tree.
Cardinal – 41
Ducks – 24
Florida at Alabama
With apologies to my second favorite Alabama fan on the planet Keith Edwards, I refuse to be lulled into a false sense of hope. Last year Bama struggled to get past Auburn in the season finale while my Gators cruised at home against FSU. Fast forward ten months where UF finally showed signs of life offensively against Kentucky, while Bama struggled at Arkansas until Ryan Mallett got all generous.
I look at this game much like I look at my recent sales performance. If Florida does everything right, plays the perfect game in all phases it still might not be good enough. Defensively UF has to contend with the best set of skill players in college football, and offensively UF has too many question marks in the passing game. Trey Burton is NOT the answer for what ails Florida’s passing game. Florida has no game breakers other than Jeff Demps, and he was seen leaving practice on Wednesday walking with a limp.
The best I can hope for is a competitive game where UF competes for 60 minutes, followed two months later by a rematch in Atlanta after 40% of Bama’s team contracts a nasty case of rickets. If that happens I really like Florida’s chances. Until then….
Tide – 33
Gators – 14