Thursday, October 27, 2011

eViL G's Weekly Picks for October 29th

Greetings from Central Florida.

Normally this week I mention something about how Halloween used to be about kids getting candy from neighbors, but now it's turned into an excuse for young women to dress up like a bunch of sluts. I'll spare you that, because I know how much you all hate slutty women...right Lionel?

Let's keep the conversation to football...

Thanks largely in part to the overall awesomeness of Alabama and LSU, who are both off this week, Saturday's slate of games are for the most part irrelevant. Oklahoma made things interesting last week, but all they did was save themselves from being humiliated. Oklahoma State, you're on deck.  Clemson, please stand by.  Stanford, we'll start taking you seriously after this week.  Wisconsin, thanks for playing.  Boise State, the kiddie table is over there...go play nice with Cincinnati and Houston.

There's your BCS picture right there folks.
Until next week, that's all I got...November 5th can't get here soon enough.


Michigan State at Nebraska
I took some heat last week from some non-believers who actually thought WISCONSIN was worthy of national title consideration. You know who you are. No team outside of Tuscaloosa or Baton Rouge is worthy of national title consideration. A win in Lincoln gives Sparty a commanding lead in the Big 10 Legends weird does that sound? I'd say about as weird as Michigan State winning the Big 10...or perhaps Nebraska playing in the Big 10. Sparty might win this game, but they won't beat Wisconsin twice. Check that, they won't win this game either.
Huskers - 26
Spartans - 21

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Your Ohio State Buckeyes are sitting in fifth place in the Big 10's Leaders Division, one game in front of last place Indiana. Wisconsin can kiss a January trip to New Orleans goodbye, but chances they'll get another shot at Michigan State in the Big 10 title game. Raise your hand if you feel sorry for Ohio State. Anyone?
Bucky - 34
Brutus - 24

I just picked two Big 10 games back-to-back...I'll lose a couple followers over that.

South Carolina at Tennessee
Derek Dooley addressed the media earlier this week, dropping knowledge as only the spawn of Vince Dooley's demon seed can. Coach Dooley shared some motivational secrets with the press, telling the assembled media how he's keeping his struggling team focused and hungry. Here goes...Dooley told his team...and I quote, "The smallest room in the world is a mushroom, and the biggest room in the world is the 'room for improvement'". Several UT players are expected to miss Saturday's game after their heads exploded.
Gamecocks - 21
We Need A Bigger Room - 14

NC State at Florida State
And I thought last week's games sucked donkey balls. This game sucks donkey balls, if for no other reason FSU appears to be hitting stride now that the pressure's off. I sense an outbreak of Nolesheimers coming.
Can We Play Clemson Again? - 28
NC State - 10

Southern Cal at Stanford
USC's freshmen beat Notre Dame's seniors last week. Stanford is not Notre Dame. If the Trojans somehow manage to win this game I'll start believing Lane Kiffin can actually coach worth a damn. Until then.....
Stanford - 41
So Cal - 21

Missouri at Texas A&M
A preview of things to come in God's Conference...two mediocre football programs battling it out for 4th place in the SEC West. Thanks for the new TV markets.
Aggies - 24
Mizzou - 13

...and finally

Florida vs. Georgia
I'd consider skipping this game if I didn't grow up in Jacksonville, and my mother wasn't cooking macaroni and cheese (hint hint), my grandmother didn't need help loading letter-sized paper into her HP inkjet printer, and my father could figure out how to download pictures from his digital camera. Please don't discount how serious these family obligations are.

But just like every year for the past quarter century, like clockwork, I'll be at whatever they're calling the Gator Bowl this year, wearing orange and blue. And just like last year, my expectations are low, as I don't expect John Brantley or Jeff Demps to play meaningful snaps. I take little comfort in UGA's Aaron Murray leading the SEC in TD passes, as UF's secondary can't cover a dead cockroach with a beach blanket. I'm also starting to lose faith in Will Muschamp, because for the past three weeks UF has looked about as disorganized as I can remember.

But in spite of all this I'll be tailgating in Lot Z, along with several members of the world's most dangerous super secret Internet message board, in what's become an annual tradition. This is easily my favorite game of the always will be. But until I see something resembling a competitive football team wearing orange helmets and blue jerseys, my heart can't overrule my head.

UGA - 28
UF - 16

Be good.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The World's Largest Sub-Par Meeting Between Two Teams That Used To Matter In The Race For The SEC East

Greetings from the Treasure Coast! I took a second out from the search for two convicted killers on the loose in my neighborhood to bring you all another blogisode (probably not a word) of FlawdaGator the Entertainer Presents. As you can tell by the overly long but spot on title of this blog, it's Florida vs. Georgia week; aka 'The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party'. The city of Jacksonville along with the NCAA tried to rename it to something else a few years back. Honestly, I don't remember what it was and to be perfectly honest with you, it's 12:30 in the morning, and I'm not googling that $#!t to find out; and since I'm old school, I'm just going to call it what I've always called it TWLOCP (abbreviated; obviously)

The only good looking thing about this game...You're looking at it.

This yearly "neutral" battle between SEC East foes used to be an epic battle of the titans in Jacksonville. (and let's be honest, probably the only time that Alltel Stadium ever gets near capacity or sold out, unless there's a really good team playing the Los Angel...I mean Jacksonville Jaguars or a Steely Dan outdoors concert)...You're welcome, City of Jacksonville. At any rate, onto the game. As eViL G pointed out a week or so ago, this game could possibly come down to see who would be the lucky SEC East representative to get their $#!t pushed in by either LSU or Alabama come the first week in December.

I tell you what, that darn eViL G is like a mocha colored genie in a bottle!! Because, wouldn't you know it.... here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons away from controlling our own piss poor destiny to (possibly) have the chance to earn our way to Atlanta to take on the soon-to-be 6th straight BCS/NCAA National Champion.

Usually, I save my prediction for the game until the day before, the day of, or until eViL G has made his pick, but since I've already typed all of this out, I might as well finish it. Florida has a chance to win this game. They honestly do. John Brantley supposedly will return from injury, Jeff Demps is back to 100% speed and is injury free, and we only have one linebacker who is injured and unable to play. My heart tells me to choose Florida. My head says Georgia.

My beloved Gators have lost 3 straight coming into this game and honestly, they've looked about as shaky and unstable as Aretha Franklin standing on a card table. But like Aretha, they deserve a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. They are losers of 3 straight and are coming off of a bye week. They are rested, they are ready, and again like Aretha, I'm sure they're hungry. So for those reasons, and those reasons alone, I say that the Gators will march their happy asses into Jacksonville (minus the Orange Pants) and win against the Bulldogs from Athens.

Final Score:
Gators 31
Puppies 24

Go Gators!

Follow me on the twitters @FlawdaGator

Thursday, October 20, 2011

eViL G's Weekly Picks for October 22nd

Greetings from The City Beautiful, and many thanks to Keith Edwards and Lionel Forbes for their contributions this past week.  Great job guys!

It's worth noting that just a couple days ago I spent about two hours on the phone with Keith Edwards solving most of the world's problems...from politics, to professional wrestling, the keys to domestic tranquility, and just enough NFL discussion to keep me from hanging up in his face.  I'm pleased to report that based on our little bonding session, he is now TIED for first place as my favorite Alabama fan named Keith.  He mentioned Tim Tebow's name one too many times to overtake Keith Williams, and it goes without saying neither one of those guys are on the same planet as Garland Harwell.

A glance at this week's schedule is about a pleasant as that picture of Gaddafi with a bullet in his he.....please hold.....I'm being told by our production staff the picture I'm referring to was a picture of Gaddafi when he was still alive.  You can barely tell the difference. 

Anyways, this week's schedule is chock full of stank, to the point where I had trouble deciding which games to pick.  So please accept my heartfelt apologies for what you are about to read.

Oklahoma State at Missouri
I feel it's my duty to start paying attention to Missouri on a certain level.  I know their colors are black and gold, and their mascot is the same as Auburn, LSU, Clemson, Grambling, Princeton, Memphis, and Tuskegee...that's about it.  Missouri gets a taste of what to expect in God's Conference, courtesy of an Oklahoma State team looking to crash the BCS party in New Orleans.
Cowboys - 34
Tigers - 21

North Carolina at Clemson
With apologies to Turner Gill, I chose this game over Kansas State-Kansas. Coach Dabo's boys might be the most entertaining team in the southeast.  Last time Clemson had it rolling like this, 12-year old eViL G watched Homer Jordan and Perry Tuttle beat Nebraska in the 1982 Orange Bowl, winning Clemson's only national title...all orange...
Orange - 27
Baby Blue - 6

Arkansas at Ole Miss
Texas A&M-Iowa State got bumped over this game.  I didn't realize Iowa State still played football.  Houston Nutt gets blasted by his former team.
Hogs - 30
Rebs - 7 

Tennessee at Alabama
Trent Richardson...2011 Heisman Trophy Winner...everybody say it with me.  Tyler Bray, Tyler Perry, William the Refrigerator Perry, Texas Governer Rick Perry, Justin Hunter, Catfish Hunter, Justin Timberlake and former ECW Heavyweight Champion Justin Credible could all be 100% healthy and suited up for the Big Orange, and it wouldn't matter...although Texas Governer Rick Perry would probably give an entertaining yet slightly incoherent pep talk during pre-game.
Tide - 31
Vols - 7 

Georgia Tech at Miami
Illinois-Purdue barely missed the cut here.  I can already hear Lionel bitching about his boy Zook being left out.  I have one letter and one word for your boy Lionel...F Zook.  I hate Miami too, but recently they've had a knack for slowing down Georgia Tech's option attack. 
Canes - 26
Wrecked - 17

Wake Forest at Duke
This game got the nod over Indiana-Iowa...or did it?
Cleaning Out The Gutters - 45
Watching Either Game - 3

Wisconsin at Michigan State
Alright, now this should actually be an entertaining game.  Sparty's got a great defense and Wisconsin at times is unstoppable on offense.  But please spare me the talk about Russell Wilson being a Heisman frontrunner.  He's an excellent player, but the level of competition makes him look better than he really is.  Troy Smith agrees with me.  Sooner or later there's gonna be an upset in college football folks.
Sparty - 28
Bucky - 27

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
Nebraska-Minnesota...sorry.  America doesn't need to be subjected to watching a grown man succumb to a seizure on the sideline after Rex Burkhead scores his 5th TD in the second quarter.  Let's watch to see if Oklahoma has any chinks in their armor before my adopted Oklahoma State Cowboys wreck their season.
Sooners - 42
Red Raiders - 24

Washington at Stanford're cut.  Oregon doesn't need LaMichael James this week, and Colorado stopped recruiting L.A. gang members who bang the coach's daughter a long time ago.  I'll go with Andrew Luck throwing for 749 yards and 12 TDs against a Washington team that won't be ranked after Saturday.
Cardinal - 84
Huskies - 17

Jacksonville State at Kentucky
Southern Cal-Notre're cut.  This so-called national rivalry is now irrelevant.  Besides, how many opportunities do I get to pick Kentucky?
Wix's Wildcats - 7
Duval County State - 6 (3OT)

Maryland at Florida State
The only drama this series produced recently is whether or not Myron Rolle would make it back from his Rhodes Scholar interview in time to take poor pursuit angles all night long.  FSU crushes Maryland in front of 30,000 empty seats.
Wix's Seminoles - 28
Scott Van Pelt U - 10
Amount of Money Wix saved by staying in Orlando - $583.92

and finally...

Auburn at LSU
Apparently Honey Badger really doesn't give a shit...and he's uncharacteristically mellow...and he's craving a big ass bowl of Fruity Pebbles at 3:00 in the morning.  College students smoke weed you say?  Entitled student athletes who get tons of national publicity feel like they're above it all?  You gotdamn right they do. 

Not that it matters, because Charles Barkley's Auburn Tigers are indeed turrble, but if you're Les Miles you have to be concerned with your kids being somewhat distracted while patiently waiting for November 5th to roll around.  Then again if you're Les Miles, you're probably wondering why Gatorade keeps raining from the sky inside of a domed stadium.

Can a brother get a sippy cup?
Up In Smeauxke - 23
We Juss Turrble - 9

Be good.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Broken Ankles and Golden Tickets

Normally I hate to see black on black crime but Trent Richardson's vicious abuse of Senquez Golston's ankles in the Grove this weekend was a thing of beauty. It kinda made me grin, bounce in my seat and clap my hands (somewhere eViL and Scottie Ray are smiling -- I miss the good old days)

Junk n' stuff I learnt this weekend...

Trent Richardson is an inhuman beast... I never cease to be amazed by his ability produce after first, second and sometimes third contact. I'm not saying they will give him the Heisman but if he stays healthy (prayers) and keeps doing what he does, he should be in the mix. I've always thought he was the best running in the country but with Marcus Lattimore's unfortunate injury there is no longer any doubt (at least at this point in the season).

** RELATED NOTE: MAJOR props to the BAMA O-line for playing like men and making the inhuman beast a bit more inhuman. Please send some of their game film to the team that plays on Sundays in western Pennsylvania.

Bama's other running backs are "baby beasts" in training... Eddy Lacy, Jalston Fowler and Blake Sims also absorb first contact and still keep churning. Not sure what they are feeding these guys down in Tuscaloosa but we will need this tough depth as we go deeper in the season.

***GOLDEN TICKET ALERT***: My LSU ticket is in JEOPARDY WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!... my best friend/fellow filmmaker/de facto ticket broker/parole officer and I have attended key Bama games together for 25 years but we have a problem. His dad (who is very ill) is attempting to travel to the game from out of town and they desperately need to do some bonding. So this puts me in the tough position of having to... DRIVE A FREAKIN' WEDGE BETWEEN AN AILING MAN AND HIS SON. There is no way, I'm going to let some father son bond keep me from going to this game. With that said, I've begun to remind my friend of all the times his dad didn't: 1) let me come out to play 2) ever get him that motorcycle he always wanted 3) let him play football 4) ever let him borrow his car etc., etc. I'm not saying I'm proud of this but a guy has gotta to do what he's gotta do PERIOD!!


Friday, October 14, 2011

Florida Basketball; It's Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantastic

First things first, that phrase is copyrighted (c) 1998 by Lionel Forbes. Let's just get that out in the open. Someday, on another blog not dedicated to college football, I'll get into it more in depth. eViL G has instructed me that I am allowed to talk about ONE topic other than college football per contribution. Therefore...FOOOTBAWWWWWWWW!!!!!

I bring you greetings from the LOVELY Myrtle Beach Convention Center Hotel. Had I know that Stephen Garcia was free, I'd give him a call and we'd burn this sonofagun down.

This week, I'd like give a special shout out to the fighting Zookers of Illinois. As previously stated in my intro, my love for coach Zook knows no bounds. I'd spend some additional time explaining my reasons why, but I'm sure that if I did, eViL G would snatch me up out of this window like Batman did the bad guy in 'The Dark Knight'. I'm glad that Zooker has gotten the ability to go shopping, cook the dinner, withstand a couple of stomach bugs that may, or may not have been his fault, and is now able to serve it without any sort of issues.  With that said, he's about to enter what most are calling (and by most, I just mean myself) as the "Florida Gauntlet" They face 3 top 25 programs coming up over the next month (Michigan and Wisconsin in the top 10) 

If all goes well, the Ron Zook led Illinois Fightin' Zookers will find themselves in the catbird seat for the Rose Bowl (which is the equivalent of what the Sugar Bowl means to Gator fans) So with that said, good luck to the Zookers, I'll always be rooting for you. May the sun always shine brightly upon your face, may there always be a breeze at your back, and may you always be a bubble screen or reverse-quarterback option away from victory.

- FlawdaGator aka Kid Dy-No-Mite, aka No, I'm not related to Rerun from 'What's Happening'

Thursday, October 13, 2011

eViL G's Weekly Picks for October 15th

Exhibit A
Greetings from the Sunshine State.  This week's sponsors include, but are not limited to, just about any product or service whose target audience does not have a penis...Cooking Light Magazine, the Oprah Winfrey Network, Michael Buble's next CD, you name it.

What used to be the Ike Turner Memorial Bachelor Pad (2003-2007) has been invaded, infiltrated and downright liberated by mRs. eViL G's younger sister and niece, who flew down from Buffalo Wednesday morning for a long weekend in God's Country.

If you're scoring at home, that's a female-to-male ratio of 4:1 once you factor in the wife and stepdaughter. This place is oozing with estrogen and other unexplained hormones, so for the most part I've been on my best behavior.  The last time this many women were in my cozy little condo, I was not married. That's all I have to say about that, because I am happily married.

Under normal circumstances I'd probably make some sexist comment about expecting a hot meal and a clean house when I get home from work, but my mother reads this blog and I'm not trying to get throat punched in a couple weeks when we head home for the annual Cocktail Party in Jacksonville.  Therefore I would ask that you refer to Exhibit A. 

I didn't say it mama, so don't throat punch the messenger.

That's all I got...


Georgia at Vanderbilt
Florida State at Duke
Alabama at Ole Miss
LSU at Tennessee 
Speaking of 4:1 ratios, I'm doing a 4-for-1 pick here, because these four matchups are all essentially the same game. The home team gets mauled by a superior opponent, with the possible exception of UGA looking average against a better than usual, yet still average Vandy squad. Tennessse fans, good luck against LSU without your starting QB and top playmaker, and welcome to my world.  Take the average score of each game, and you get...
Road Team - 41.75
Home Team - 12.25

Ohio State at Illinois
The Fighting Zookers are undefeated and bowl eligible, but they've got an upcoming gauntlet of Penn State, Michigan and Wisconsin looming in a couple weeks.  Ohio State's QB is expected to play after spraining his ankle last week, but Illinois is playing at home and Zook has a knack for knocking off the Buckeyes more often than he should.
Illini - 23
Buckeyes - 21

South Carolina at Mississippi State
Earlier this week we all learned the answer to the age-old question, "How many failed drug tests does it take to get kicked off South Carolina's football team?". Now that we know the answer, you can expect several current UF players to request a transfer. Spurrier exorcises his Starkville demons while Dan Mullen's rose loses a few more blooms. The big maroon honeymoon is just about over.
Goodbye Garcia - 19
Hello Losing Season - 3

Oklahoma State at Texas
The current state of Texas football is somewhat similar to my beloved Gators, in that they're breaking in a bunch of freshmen in key positions, the coaching staff went though some transition and they just got pounded by the best team(s) in their region.  Mack Brown is also extremely overrated, in spite of Colin Cowherd's mancrush.  Mark my words, Oklahoma State will give Oklahoma all they can handle next month.  And like Oklahoma, they'll pound the snot out of Texas on Saturday.
Pokes - 42
Horns - 17

Arizona State at Oregon
My contract with Blogger states that I must pick at least three PAC-12 games throughout the season, so here goes.  Oregon beats Arizona State in spite of LaMichael James sitting this one out.  One down, two to go...
Ducks - 41
Sun Devils - 23

And finally....

Florida at Auburn
The NCAA cleared Auburn of any wrongdoing in the recruitment of Cam Newton. The NCAA also found nothing suspicious about Casey Anthony's alleged involvement in her daughter's death. The NCAA expects the NBA lockout to end later this evening.  The NCAA prefers Ginger to Mary Anne, and despite millions of dollars spent on advertising, marketing and product packaging, the NCAA still actually believes it IS butter.

The NCAA thinks Florida's offense is a well-oiled machine, and the NCAA was recently quoted as saying, "UF's defensive front has really lived up to the pre-season hype...Ronald Powell is a sure-fire Butkus Award finalist".  The NCAA views Auburn as a poster child for compliance, much like the NCAA views Charlie Weis as the poster child for wellness.  The NCAA describes Will Muschamp's sideline demeanor as "poised and stoic".

The NCAA thinks Florida beats Auburn by a touchdown Saturday night.  I think otherwise. 
Orange & Navy Blue - 24
Orange & Royal Blue - 16

Be good.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Monday Morning Hangover

Sadly, I have no comeback for this.

What is this, Groundhog Day?

After two consecutive beatdowns, this much is clear...I do NOT want UF to win the SEC East.  That's right, I said it.  Let some other fan base else deal with getting heckled at the World Congress Center MARTA station pre and post-game.  Georgia and South Carolina, I'm talking to you.  I'd much rather watch you guys get killed from the comfort of my living room than convince myself to support my school, then drive 6 hours to Atlanta to watch college football's equivalent of the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan.

In other news...
  • Oklahoma did what I expected them to do...and then some.
  • Andre Debose scores on a big play, after which LSU scores 14 unanswered points...the Ted Ginn Curse lives on.
  • Florida State is not back.  
  • No Florida school is currently ranked in the Top 25.  This hasn't happened since 1982.
  • Oklahoma State-Oklahoma will be the most entertaining game of the year.
  • Russell Wilson is not the best college football player in the country, but he's pretty good.
  • Tennessee fans, welcome to my world.  Good luck against LSU and Alabama with a backup QB.

That's all I got...back to work!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Do You Remember The Time?

Gators, Assume. The. Position.
Good Day, Fellow Gators (and the rest of y'all....)

It's your good friend, FlawdaGator aka...yadda yadda yadda... Today, I'd like to share with you all a piece of my childhood so that you can better understand how I feel about (by the time you read this) today's game verses the Mighty Corndog Tigers of Louisiana State.

When I was a kid, I was pretty good..a bit of a class clown, but overall, not what most would consider a "bad child"...At times, my hyperactivity and my inability to shut the f**k up while the teacher was talking got me sent to the principals office... Depending on the severity of what the teacher said you did, you'd get what's called a "paddling" (For anybody under the age of 25 reading this, you don't know what paddling is, so you can just skip to the end of this where I explain how it relates to the game)

When getting paddled, the principal or assistant principal or really whoever wasn't in the teachers lounge getting blazed up, would come into the office, close the door, tell you to bend over while they administered 1 or 3 solid and swift strikes to the butt. Some kids cried, some didn't...I wasn't much of a crier... you see, I knew that the asswhoopin I'd get after they called home and told my mom that I had been sent to the principals office would be waaaay worse than anything they could with that raggedy paddle.

Speaking of mom, on special occasions when I really was in class acting a fool, they did the ultimate, they called home. This would prompt one or two different things. One would be my mom coming to school, the other would be her coming to school, but AFTER school to pick me up. Let me explain number two... When they call home and they explain what you've done and they say to you "Your mom will be here at 3 o'clock to pick you up" That's what's called a "special asswhoopin" pay attention, because it'll come back up here in a second. If my mama had to get off from work, drive 30 minutes across town because my narrow black ass was up in class acting a fool; oh you can believe that was a special asswhoopin. When they sent you back to class on "special asswhoopin day" You had the rest of the day to sit...think...pray...for what you just KNEW was going to be the mother of all asswhoopins. This feeling in the pit of your stomach that, to this day, I can't explain, can only be described as 'bubble guts' Bubble Guts happen when impending doom is approaching...aka, that "special asswhoopin"

Enter tomorrow's matchup vs. LSU. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Problem is, I wasn't being bad or anything, but I that tomorrow around 3 o'clock...mama's coming to school and she ain't happy. That special asswhoopin is coming, folks. If LSU is going to rip us a new one, I for one, would like to ask  now to be gentle and stay away from my eyes when they finish.

Final Score:

Tigers 42
Gators 17

Thursday, October 6, 2011

eViLG's Weekly Picks for October 8th

The truth is out there....

Greetings everyone.

I can always count on Alabama Super Pimp Keith Edwards to make an appearance following a big Bama win, which unfortunately means we'll be hearing from him quite a bit before the season ends....but enough about him.

Lost in the rush to crown Alabama BCS and NFC South Champions, something more dark and sinister went completely unnoticed during Alabama's dismantling of my beloved Gators. And I'm NOT talking about Dominique Easley allegedly beating up a former Bama player after the game. Although from eyewitness accounts it was the hardest Easley hit anyone associated with Alabama football Saturday night.

I'm talking about the Tedd Ginn curse. The curse's origins go back to the BCS National Championship Game, January 2007 in Glendale, Arizona. Ohio State receiver Tedd Ginn, Jr. returned the opening kickoff for a TD, injured his ankle after getting mobbed by teammates, and his Buckeyes wound up losing 41-14. As the story goes, while Florida celebrated its second national title, the former Ohio State receiver/return specialist placed a devastating curse on Florida football, affecting future generations of Gator return specialists.  

Enter Andre Debose.

The curse made its first appearance in Gainesville last November when South Carolina came to town. Andre Debose returned the opening kickoff for a TD, then UF lost its mojo for the remaining 59 minutes and 46 seconds, sending South Carolina to its first and only SEC title game. Fast forward to last Saturday where Debose scores on the first play from scrimmage, followed by Trent Richardson running wild and Bama's defense completely shutting down the Mighty Gators.

If memory serves, last year Debose returned a 4th quarter kickoff against LSU for a TD, after which UF suffered the biggest special teams brain cramp of Urban Meyer's UF career, allowing LSU to convert a fake FG into a first down...followed by a game-winning TD with seconds left on the clock.

This is not a coincidence. I want to see our slowest, fattest offensive lineman returning kickoffs against LSU. Anybody wearing a jersey number in the 60s or 70s, I don't care. What's the worst that could happen? LSU might beat us anyway? I'll take that chance.

That's all I got....RIP Steve Jobs. I'm still kicking myself for not buying AAPL stock when it dipped to $85 a share back in 2008.


Georgia at Tennessee
In what amounts to a SEC East elimination game for Tennessee, the Big Creamsickle Orange look to avenge last year's ass whuppin' in Athens. Georgia's conference schedule is conveniently missing Alabama, Arkansas and LSU, so a win on Saturday, followed up with a win over a Brantley-less Florida squad, topped off with at least one more Stephen Garcia meltdown, could place UGA back in the SEC title game, where Alabama will do unspeakable things to them. UGA's defense is slightly better than Tennessee, and their running game is much better. Advantage road team.
Jawjuh - 27
Tennessee - 17

Kentucky at South Carolina
Speaking of Stephen Garcia, he'll have a standing room only, VIP sideline view for Kentucky...and he totally earned it. You wonder what took Corch Spurrier so long. I remember when the ole ball coach used to pull Jesse Palmer for settling on an 18-yard corner route completion to Nafis Karim instead of throwing deep to Taylor Jacobs. You also wonder if Garcia will have enough time to wipe queso dip out of his beard and put his pants back on if Connor Shaw screws up badly enough for Spurrier to switch back. It's a non-issue this week.
Cocks - 37
Wix's Wildcats - 10

Florida State at Wake Forest
Unlike my alma mater who's facing an October gauntlet of Alabama, LSU, Auburn and Georgia, the School Out West has its own murderer's row consisting of Wake Forest, Duke, Maryland and NC State. Now you know why I want FSU to join the SEC.
Noles - 34
Deacs - 7

Ohio State at Nebraska
NU got a rude awakening to Big 10 football last week. Meanwhile in Columbus, the Buckeyes are staring a 5-loss season in the face, best case.  And that was based on the expectation that playmakers Herron and Posey would be back for this game.  They're still suspended, and the Huskers will roll.
Tommie Frazier U. - 27
Eddie George U. - 9

Auburn at Arkansas
Auburn's young squad appears to be growing up before our very eyes, which sucks considering we play there next week.  Auburn took A She She favorite Clemson to the brink, then followed up that effort with a big win at South Carolina.  Meanwhile, Arkansas is still completing passes against Texas A&M, which will also be the case on Saturday....too much offense for AU to handle.
Razorbacks - 31
Plainsmen - 17

Oklahoma vs. Texas
The Sooners should have a huge chip on their collective shoulders, what with LSU and Alabama gaining ground in the polls so quickly. Texas finally settled on a QB with a familiar name, who likes to throw to a receiver with a familiar name. McCoy to Shipley is back, however Texas is too young at key positions to pull off the upset.
Sooners - 35
Horns - 13

Miami at Virginia Tech
Do I really have to spend time on this game?  I don't?  Cool....

And finally...

Florida at Green Bay...err...LSU
Week Two of UF's Beatdown Tour takes them to Baton Rouge, where surprisingly enough, the Gators have a winning record all-time, and they've won 11 out of the last 15 over in the real Death Valley (sorry Clemson).  However none of those 11 victories came when LSU was ranked #1, and UF had a true freshman making his first start at QB.

Jordan Jefferson publicly proclaimed he wants to be LSU's starting QB.  What he needs to do is shut up, keep his nose clean and watch Jarrett Lee from the sidelines.  The last thing LSU needs is a QB controversy kick started by a QB who likes to kick defenseless Marines in the head.  If his sneakers get bloody, no big deal. He's got another 50 pair in his closet...and some people think college athletes should get paid.  Don't get me started.

I expect UF's defense to perform much better than last week's debacle, if for no other reason I think Alabama is 7-10 points better than LSU on a neutral field.  UF's offense will struggle to score 7-10 points, so here's hoping Chris Rainey blocks another punt, and Andre Debose returns a kickoff for a touchdo...nevermind.

Is it too soon to start drinking?

LSU - 28
UF - 7

Be good.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

ROLL TIDE and of course...God bless Tebow (Florida's Bear Bryant)

Belated greetings to the (mostly Gator) eViL G and Coach E College Football Forum. As the resident Bama Blogger, I am remiss in not posting sooner but it's good to be back especially after such a pleasant outcome in Gainesvegas.

Things I learned this weekend....

Tim Tebow is Swampland's living breathing version of Bear Bryant -- Just when I thought we had a gentlemen's agreement to cease and desist with any mention of God's favorite Tim Tebow (pictured left in his street clothes), he rears his saintly head YET AGAIN. This time my poor friend Garland Harwell (Roll Tide!!) was dragged into the mix. I'm not sure if Garland's picture was photoshopped or eViL spiked his tailgating beverage or the intoxication of seeing all the scantily clad UF co-eds induced Mr. Harwell to take a knee (understandable) but either way this is 100% UNACCEPTABLE! I'm sure that photo will follow Garland around like that ridiculous pimp sign stalked me for so long. I blame eViL for all of this!!!!

Dominique Easley would've done well as a South Central Police Officer in the early 90's because he seemingly treated Bama Fans (allegedly) like LA cops treated Rodney King. What's up with that?? Again, I blame eViL for all of this!!!

Bama's D is pretty good (technically something I already knew but go with me). In particular, shout out to Courtney Upshaw for being all over the field. With the absence of CJ Mosely, this was a critical component in completely neutralizing Florida's insanely fast RBs -- something that I honestly didn't think was possible. Lives could well be lost on Nov 5th when LSU rolls into T-town.

Andre Debose is better than advertised -- eViL bet that I couldn't name any Florida WRs before the game and I told him it only matters if I know their names AFTER the game. Debose (no relation to former Tide coach Mike "dumb dumb" Dubose) completely smoked Dre Kirkpatrick on that 65 yd bomb to start the game (another thing I didn't think was possible). Debose and Deonte Thompson played big early and they will have to continue to do so this season as it might save someone's life...namely Jeff Driskel.

Fescue grass sucks -- I seem to overseed and aerate every damn year. I'm no lawn master but this shi%# is more temperamental than my wife -- and that is saying a lot!!!

**************NFL ALERT***********

Steelers offensive line sucks -- normally I would make some crack about the Steeler's O-line sucking because of the proliferation of UF alums that populate it but...ok you got's because we have UF alums populating it. We got one Pouncey and everyone knows you either need matching sets or none at all. More importantly, MARCUS GILBERT is AWFUL!!!!

***********END OF NFL ALERT********

Good luck to everyone's teams this weekend (except for Auburn) and...

ROLL motherfu#$%*IN' TIDE!!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Some Sunday Afternoon Thoughts...

Never underestimate the power of prayer

First off, congratulations to Alabama. Clearly they were the superior team, as I feared, and Trent Richardson is downright awesome. I've loved this kid since he was a freshman, and I'll be damn glad when he's scoring TDs for the Jacksonville Jaguars next year...or wherever the Jaguars decide to relocate. Richardson is to Urban Meyer what Vince Carter was to former UF hoops coach Lon Kruger...the must-have, in-state stud recruit who got away.

Some other thoughts from the weekend that was...

Alabama super booster Garland Harwell and his buddy Keith Williams (no relation) were treated to the mother of all tailgates, and no doubt their necks are sore from taking in all the lovely sights on our campus. Garland also took some time to pay his respects to former Gator great Tim Tebow's statue (see above) prompting Ben Hill Griffin Stadium security guards to ask if he lost a bet.

Sadly, in what was the most difficult thing I had to do all day, I  broke the news to Keith Edwards that not only is he now my third favorite Alabama fan on the planet, but after Saturday he is now my second favorite Alabama fan on the planet named Keith.

Other than Alabama, the other big winner yesterday appears to be Georgia. Brantley's injury, coupled with South Carolina laying an egg at home and a cakewalk of a conference schedule (no LSU, no Arkansas and no Alabama) suddenly has UGA in the SEC East catbird seat. However Tennessee might have something to say about that.

Speaking of Tennessee, the natives over at were in full-on celebratory mode last night, as if the Big Orange underachievers had actually accomplished something. Memo to Tennessee fans: Laughing at a classmate for getting stomped by the class bully rings hollow when that classmate already beat you down for the seventh straight year...and you still have to face the class bully.

Will Muschamps's tone during the post-game press conference was tense to say the least. He sounded like he wanted to rip off John Brantley's injured leg and beat someone upside the head with it.

In a related story, Steve Spurrier would also like to use John Brantley's severed leg so he can beat Stephen Garcia upside the head.

That's all I got...enjoy your Sunday...Go Jags and Go Bills!!