Greetings from Central Florida.
Normally this week I mention something about how Halloween used to be about kids getting candy from neighbors, but now it's turned into an excuse for young women to dress up like a bunch of sluts. I'll spare you that, because I know how much you all hate slutty women...right Lionel?
Let's keep the conversation to football...
Thanks largely in part to the overall awesomeness of Alabama and LSU, who are both off this week, Saturday's slate of games are for the most part irrelevant. Oklahoma made things interesting last week, but all they did was save themselves from being humiliated. Oklahoma State, you're on deck. Clemson, please stand by. Stanford, we'll start taking you seriously after this week. Wisconsin, thanks for playing. Boise State, the kiddie table is over there...go play nice with Cincinnati and Houston.
There's your BCS picture right there folks.
Until next week, that's all I got...November 5th can't get here soon enough.
Michigan State at Nebraska
I took some heat last week from some non-believers who actually thought WISCONSIN was worthy of national title consideration. You know who you are. No team outside of Tuscaloosa or Baton Rouge is worthy of national title consideration. A win in Lincoln gives Sparty a commanding lead in the Big 10 Legends Division...how weird does that sound? I'd say about as weird as Michigan State winning the Big 10...or perhaps Nebraska playing in the Big 10. Sparty might win this game, but they won't beat Wisconsin twice. Check that, they won't win this game either.
Huskers - 26
Spartans - 21
Wisconsin at Ohio State
Your Ohio State Buckeyes are sitting in fifth place in the Big 10's Leaders Division, one game in front of last place Indiana. Wisconsin can kiss a January trip to New Orleans goodbye, but chances they'll get another shot at Michigan State in the Big 10 title game. Raise your hand if you feel sorry for Ohio State. Anyone?
Bucky - 34
Brutus - 24
I just picked two Big 10 games back-to-back...I'll lose a couple followers over that.
South Carolina at Tennessee
Derek Dooley addressed the media earlier this week, dropping knowledge as only the spawn of Vince Dooley's demon seed can. Coach Dooley shared some motivational secrets with the press, telling the assembled media how he's keeping his struggling team focused and hungry. Here goes...Dooley told his team...and I quote, "The smallest room in the world is a mushroom, and the biggest room in the world is the 'room for improvement'". Several UT players are expected to miss Saturday's game after their heads exploded.
Gamecocks - 21
We Need A Bigger Room - 14
NC State at Florida State
And I thought last week's games sucked donkey balls. This game sucks donkey balls, if for no other reason FSU appears to be hitting stride now that the pressure's off. I sense an outbreak of Nolesheimers coming.
Can We Play Clemson Again? - 28
NC State - 10
Southern Cal at Stanford
USC's freshmen beat Notre Dame's seniors last week. Stanford is not Notre Dame. If the Trojans somehow manage to win this game I'll start believing Lane Kiffin can actually coach worth a damn. Until then.....
Stanford - 41
So Cal - 21
Missouri at Texas A&M
A preview of things to come in God's Conference...two mediocre football programs battling it out for 4th place in the SEC West. Thanks for the new TV markets.
Aggies - 24
Mizzou - 13
Florida vs. Georgia
I'd consider skipping this game if I didn't grow up in Jacksonville, and my mother wasn't cooking macaroni and cheese (hint hint), my grandmother didn't need help loading letter-sized paper into her HP inkjet printer, and my father could figure out how to download pictures from his digital camera. Please don't discount how serious these family obligations are.
But just like every year for the past quarter century, like clockwork, I'll be at whatever they're calling the Gator Bowl this year, wearing orange and blue. And just like last year, my expectations are low, as I don't expect John Brantley or Jeff Demps to play meaningful snaps. I take little comfort in UGA's Aaron Murray leading the SEC in TD passes, as UF's secondary can't cover a dead cockroach with a beach blanket. I'm also starting to lose faith in Will Muschamp, because for the past three weeks UF has looked about as disorganized as I can remember.
But in spite of all this I'll be tailgating in Lot Z, along with several members of the world's most dangerous super secret Internet message board, in what's become an annual tradition. This is easily my favorite game of the year...it always will be. But until I see something resembling a competitive football team wearing orange helmets and blue jerseys, my heart can't overrule my head.
UGA - 28
UF - 16