Thursday, September 26, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - September 28th

Florida QB Tyler Murphy completes a pass while simultaneously
high-fiving a Tennessee defender.  Is there anything this kid can't do?

A wise man once said, “If you can’t be entertaining, be brief.”

Real world deadlines, family matters and other assorted miscellany almost made this my personal bye week.  But at the end of the day I need to make these picks more than you need to read them.  It’s been one of those days and one of those weeks.

And as I type this, unnamed sources are reporting the Gators just lost six more starters to season ending injuries, or "tweaks" as head coach Bill Crustlamp calls them.  To make matters worse, Andre Debose has been cleared to practice. 

Is this thing on?


Florida at Kentucky
Last time Kentucky beat UF in football, I was a freshman at UF, which makes sense considering UF was the first university in the South to admit recently freed slaves.  I hosted Frederick Douglass, Nat Turner and some dude named Toby during their official visit.  Douglass and Turner wound up signing with Virginia, and Toby’s football career was literally cut short due to a foot injury.  UF and their black Irishman QB Tyler Murphy extend the streak against Kentucky.  In other news, I’m old.
Gators – 34
‘Cats – 10

Ole Miss at Alabama
For the fellas out there, think about the time around your 15th birthday.  Your voice started changing, hair started growing in places it never grew before…and for some odd reason you felt the urge to challenge your father to a fight.  Well, Ole Miss is feeling REALLY good about themselves right now, to the point where they’re talking crazy smack to Mack Daddy Alabama.  Ole Miss is playing well, maturing nicely, but don’t confuse some newfound chest hairs and pubes with being a grown ass man. 
Tide – 41
Rebels – 24

South Carolina at Central Florida
As you may or may not know, my sister is the head women’s basketball coach at UCF, and the company whose name is plastered all over UCF’s football stadium employs someone near and dear to you all.  So yeah, Go Knights…and Hello Friend.  The locals are calling this game the biggest game in UCF history.  For South Carolina fans it’s just another game, with a Sunday trip to Disney mixed in before taking Monday off to check out LegoLand. 
Cocks – 23
Knights – 14

and finally…

LSU at Georgia
Lost in all the pre-season hoopla over Alabama’s bid for a three-peat, or Johnny Football‘s off-season of tomfoolery, someone forgot to tell LSU they weren’t supposed to be relevant.  Meanwhile the Cajuns are quietly playing the best football in the SEC…or perhaps, THE ENTIRE WORLD!  UGA already lost to Clemson, and by Alabama standards their 2013 squad looks almost ordinary compared to the last two.

Reverse mojo usually bites me in the ass when Georgia’s involved.  The Dawgs pulled a Clemson right out of the gate, losing to Clemson at Death Valley, Jr three weeks ago.  I picked Georgia to beat Clemson.  Bizarro Driskel made his first career appearance last season in Jacksonville after I picked UF to beat UGA.  The Dawgs let me down a few years ago when I picked them to beat Boise State in Atlanta.  Who in their right mind takes Boise State to beat Georgia in a venue called the Georgia Dome?

One way or another UGA always makes me look foolish.  It's what they do.  LSU looks like the more complete team, with a better defense, an improved Zach Mettenberger and skill position talent comparable to UGA.  But that reverse mojo is calling...and I'll take being wrong about Georgia losing all day every day.

I'm not one for hyperbole, however in this case...

Georgia - 59
LSU - 7

Be good.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

eViL G's Rival Rant - The University of Tennessee

This week's slate of games are straight up booty (North Texas at Georgia?), so Florida's opponent from Knox County gets my full attention.  (LSU destroys Auburn by the way.)

Tennessee fans have always been an insufferable bunch, and they do a remarkable job of playing the victim.  Evil Steve Superior victimized Vol fans for over a decade…those poor, poor Tennessee fans.  Phil Fulmer got bored and ruined the program.  Lane Kiffin left Tennessee high and dry, but not before running off Tajh Boyd.  Derek Dooley lost to Kentucky, and just about everyone else.  Tennessee plays Alabama EVERY year.

Since 1990, UF and Tennessee have played every year, and we all know that 1990 game wasn’t Florida’s finest hour.  I was finishing up my undergrad at UF that semester… so yeah, I’m old.  Anyway, UF played the Vols close for 30 minutes, then Tennessee opened up a can of whoop ass in the second half, destroying UF 45-3.

Now it wasn’t enough for Tennessee fans to be satisfied with a 42-point beatdown, or play Rocky Top repeatedly for 6 hours, or throw cups at visiting fans.  That’s expected, life as a traveling rival fan in the SEC if you will.

Tennessee’s student section saw fit to mock the horrific Gainesville student murders that took place just before the fall semester started, chanting “Our students don’t die”.  I had several friends and fellow students who made the trip, they shared what happened.  News of UT’s student section’s antics made The Independent Florida Alligator.  The general consensus on campus was a resounding “that's messed up...we'll be sure to remember this when you come to town next September”.

Fast forward a year to the rematch in Gainesville, and let’s just say our fans weren’t on their best behavior, present company included.  All the stories about UT fans getting blasted with piss bombs, cars getting keyed, punks getting pimp slapped…it all happened.  Now I don’t condone pimp slapping per se, but to quote John Rambo, “They drew first blood.”  Don't start none, won't be none. 

For the rest of the 1990s, the college football world revolved around Florida vs. Tennessee...Spurrier vs. Fulmer, Manning vs. Wuerffel, Alex Brown vs. Tee Martin, and so on.  And it was glorious.

This weekend Tennessee might bring 3,000 fans to Gainesville, and ESPN College Gameday is setting up shop in Fargo, North Dakota. 

Thanks Derek Dooley.

I have no sympathy for Tennessee’s current dilemma.  I won’t even bring up how they led the charge to strip Florida of its first SEC title in 1984.  That’s water under the bridge.  UF beat Tennessee by double digits in Knoxville.  I understand.

Hell it’s almost no fun hating Tennessee these days.  They don’t appear capable of getting out of their own way.  Who schedules road games at Oregon and Florida in consecutive weeks?  It’s like they’re trying to suck on purpose.

Besides, UF has its own issues.  Our starting QB has gigantic ears, but he couldn’t hear a blitz coming if opposing defenders made a pre-snap announcement.  We’ll beat Tennessee this Saturday in spite of him.

Tennessee fans are quick to point to their storied history and tradition…which is code for “we were great before electricity and integration”.  During the most successful run in Tennessee’s modern history, they played second fiddle to new money “Johnny Come Lately” Florida, a school with no history or tradition, not to mention a questionable color scheme.  In fact you have to go back to the 1950s to find a decade when UT had a winning record against UF.

It’s all good though Tennessee fans.  Your football program will be back at some point, and beating you might actually mean something again.  Until then.... 

Gators - 28
Vols - 10

Be good.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - September 14th

Greetings everyone.

After last week's offensive abortion in North Cuba, I contemplated taking a bye week along with the Gators.  Not to go fishing mind you, because it takes too long.  Publix sells fish, and it doesn't require getting on a boat. 

But I owe it to my Bama buddies in Atlanta and Birmingham to chime in on that alleged big game in College Station, so here I am...uninspired, unmotivated but here nonetheless.

Keith, Keith and Garland, these picks are for you.  Roll Tide!


Nevada at Florida State
Thou shalt not covet thy rival's starting QB with the kick ass last name.  Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.  My QB sucks, and I want theirs.  I'll take Nevada's backup much worse can he be?
Seminoles - 48
Kaepernicks - 14

Tennessee at Oregon
UF has the week off while Tennessee travels to Autzen Stadium to get boatraced.  For you gamblers out there, take Oregon and lay the 28 points...Tennessee's young QB gets exposed on Saturday, just in time for his first trip to Gainesville.
Ducks - 51
Vols - less than 23

Ole Miss at Texas
If Mack Brown coached at Florida, offensive coordinator Brent Pease would have been fired this week.  Then again, if Mack Brown coached at Florida, Jeremy Foley would have fired him two years ago.  Texas wins, but Mack Brown's days are still numbered.
Horns - 20
Rebels - 17

...and finally

Alabama at Texas A&M
I've been offered cash, prizes, and other illegal benefits by Alabama boosters to go reverse mojo and pick Texas A&M...and it's tempting.  Reverse mojo forced four UF turnovers in the red zone last week and caused an unnecessary 2-point conversion yes, anything is possible.

Because I love each and every one of you...all 25 of you...I've gone out of my way not to mention last year's Heisman Trophy winner until this week, and because I'm sick of hearing his name, I refuse to mention him by name.  For simplicity's sake, let's just call him Dick.

America is tired of hearing about Dick.  We thought it was cool when Dick led A&M to that huge upset in Tuscaloosa last year, but that was last year.  Alabama played at LSU prior to losing to Dick. This year Dick has Alabama's full attention.  Alabama won't be taken by surprise as a result of Dick.

Bama's offensive line is a work in progress, but so is A&M's entire defense.  And for all the attention Dick's received, Alabama's QB isn't exactly chopped liver.  Bama's defense is solid as usual, and this Christion Jones cat is the second coming of Javier Arenas on special teams.

Alabama has its enemies, but this week the country is united behind the Crimson Tide to put an end to this Dick circus.  If you like Dick, that's your problem and there's nothing wrong with that.

At the end of the day I think this game, this stage, this moment, are all too big for Texas A&M's football program, and Nick Saban is money in revenge games. 

Crimson Tide - 34
Dick's Team - 23

Be good.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Thursday, September 5, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - September 7th

What's up people?  I hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend.

I'm in the process of putting security measures in place for our traveling party's day trip to South Florida this Saturday, so needless to say I've got some work to do. 

There's only three games worth a damn this week, so I won't waste your time with Western Kentucky-Tennessee or Texas A&M-Sam Houston State.  Hell, Michigan-Notre Dame barely made the cut only because Brian Kelly basically called Michigan a bunch of irrelevant bitches. 

So let's get on with's Miami week!


Notre Dame at Michigan
Not sure if you heard, but Brian Kelly called Michigan a bunch of irrelevant bitches, and suggested Michigan wasn't worthy of being called a rival.  In his weekly press conference, Michigan head coach Brady Hoke responded by showing highlights from last year's BCS Championship Game, then told the assembled media he had sex with Brian Kelly's wife just before the press conference.  When asked why he had sex with Kelly's wife, Hoke said he usually has sex with Kelly's mother, but she was still recovering from the last time he tapped that wrinkled ass.  Go Blue.
Meatchicken - 19
F'n Irish - 14

South Carolina at Georgia
I completely ignored UGA's history of losing early in the season, picked them to beat Clemson and got burned.  That's not happening this week.  If there's a coach who knows how to kick Georgia when they're down, it's that guy at South Carolina. UGA fans find themselves in that old familiar place of questioning whether or not Mark Richt is the right man for the job.  He is, but after losing two weeks in a row, good luck convincing Georgia's fragile fan base.
Cocks - 31
Dawgs - 23

and finally...

Florida at Miami
Chances are UF won't play Miami for a very long time after Saturday.  The fan bases hate each other.  The respective university administrations can't stand each other.  In spite of struggling to fill Sun Life Stadium's lower bowl for anything other than a Pitbull concert, Miami's ticket office stuck just about all of Florida's tickets in the upper deck.  Miami won't hand over the Seminole War Canoe after UF beat the Canes 26-3 five years ago.

No big deal as far as I'm concerned, keep the damn canoe.  But spare us the steady flow of nonsense from the scUM if it's still 1987 and Ray Lewis hasn't quite mastered the art of obstructing justice.  We get it Miami fans, we're not as great as you used to be three decades ago.

After 1987, UF didn't want to play Miami.  In 2013, UF doesn't need to play Miami.   Don't get it twisted scUM fans, you need us more than we need you. If someone other than the Gators were coming to town, your so-called fans would skip the game and take advantage of a Groupon to get their tips frosted.

Back around Memorial Day, when ESPN/ABC/Disney announced this game would be a noon kickoff, it all but guaranteed I'd be watching poolside from the man patio...until I scored a ticket last week.  (Big ups to my future stepson-in-law down in Boca Raton.  I'll see you bright and early Saturday morning.)

Why not play this game directly on the sun's surface?  It's less humid than Miami in early September.  Why not enhance the experience of those in attendance by handing out wool parkas and mittens?  Perhaps the concession stands should only serve delicious coffee and spicy Cuban food cooked by some dude named Hector.  Hell, pretend it's a night game and turn the lights on.

Oppressively hot temperatures and  sauna-like humidity...not to mention the threat of being assaulted by a bunch of guido monkey douches wearing flat billed Miami ball caps and Affliction t-shirts...can't deter select members of the world's most dangerous Internet message board from making this trip.  We will be there, along with another 30,000 or so good guys wearing blue.  Jorts are optional. 

As far as the game goes, there's not really much to break down.  Duke Johnson is a stud (allegedly nursing a mild concussion), but Florida has a clear advantage defensively and in the trenches.  Matt Jones, Loucheiz Purifoy and Antonio Morrison are all back.  Barring a UGA-like performance from Jeff Driskel (unlikely), or a Jameis Winston performance from Stephen Morris (even more unlikely), UF wins this game. 

It's that reverse mojo necessary this week.  UF's defense is the difference.  Gators win.

Gators - 27
Canes - 17

Be good.