Tuesday, December 31, 2013

eViL G's BCS Bowl Picks

I won't miss you when you're gone.
Happy Holidays!
Here’s hoping you had a very Merry Christmas, and best wishes for a Happy New Year.  Santa was very good to the eViL G family this year.  Hopefully next year he brings me a new football coach.
No time to waste...gotta get these picks in before 2014.
Party safe tonight!
Sugar Bowl – Oklahoma vs. Alabama
Sponsored by Harvey Updyke’s Legal Defense Team…Call 1-888-ROW-TIED…
Auburn’s in the national title game, which means there’s literally hundreds of Alabama fans ready to act a fool if FSU somehow loses.  God forbid if Auburn comes within 27 recognized national titles of Alabama…LET’S GO PLANT AN ATOMIC BOMB AT TOOMER’S CORNER NEXT TO THAT STRIP MALL WITH THE KIDDIE DAY CARE AND PUPPY PET STORE!!!  ROW TIED!!!  I’m still convinced the aliens from Space Jam stole Nick Saban’s brain hours before the Iron Bowl.  Luckily those same aliens took off with Bobby Stoops’ medulla oblongata back in the early 2000s.  Oklahoma hasn’t won a meaningful bowl game since.  I’m hoping the trend of ridiculous alternative bowl uniforms continues, because these two teams have identical colors and uniforms.  Texas Tech’s Holiday Bowl uniforms look like they were made out of tweed.  By the time America figures out which red helmet team is Oklahoma, Alabama will be up 14-0 five minutes into the first quarter.  Row Tied Row.
Bama – 34
OU - 18
Rose Bowl – Michigan State vs. Stanford
Sponsored by Whoever Pays for that Awesome Pre-Game B-2 Stealth Bomber Flyover in Pasadena
I love both of these teams.  Michigan State ended the most overrated winning streak in college football, while at the same time ensuring Florida State plays a team with a pulse in the national title game.  That’s a win-win.  Stanford continues to make the PAC-12 its bitch…Oregon in particular…playing like an SEC school with a collective GPA higher than Vanderbilt’s chess team.  What’s not to love?  Due to both teams’ ball control, run-first style of offense, Will Muschamp will likely watch this game naked in his living room, with 26 aerosol containers of Cheez Whiz and a 2-liter jug of Jergens lotion to prevent chafing.  While Musclecramp is lusting over what real ball control offenses look like, I will continue to openly lust after Stanford's Director of Athletics…and Gainesville native…Bernard Muir.  Come on home Bernard, and bring David Shaw…or James Franklin…or Kevin Sumlin…or the object of mRs. eViLG’s lust Charlie Strong along with you.
Cardinal – 20
Sparty – 14
Fiesta Bowl – UCF vs. Baylor
Sponsored by the State of Arizona’s Attempts to Legally Kill Anyone Who Looks Like An Illegal Alien
It’s bad enough UCF has an identity complex over every media outlet outside of Central Florida insisting on calling them “Central Florida”.  Now on at least six occasions I’ve heard ESPN talking heads refer to UCF as the “Golden Knights”.  UCF dropped the “Golden” about seven years ago.  They’re just the Knights…the UCF Freaking Knights.  Is that so hard to remember?  Baylor is a prohibitive favorite, despite this being their first big boy bowl game too.  Blake Bortles might have something to say about the outcome.  Unfortunately so will UCF’s defense.  Your hometown Knights struggled down the stretch against teams they should have destroyed, and Baylor's offense is no joke.
Bears - 44
Knights - 28
Orange Bowl – Clemson vs. Ohio State
Sponsored by A&E’s “The First 48”, TruTV and the Florida Department of Corrections
Two rabid fan bases wondering what could have been get together in Miami, where there’s a better chance of their rental cars being stolen than anyone outside of Columbus or Clemson staying awake for the entire game.  My advice to OSU and IPTAY fans is this…leave the keys in your rental car with the motor running at all times.  Dade County locals will think it’s a bait car and leave it alone.  Two very good college QBs end their college career in this game.  One of them has the luxury of throwing to Sammy Watkins, the other doesn’t.  That said, Urban Meyer is usually money in bowl games.  Clemson gave up 70 points in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, and they treated last year’s Chick Fil’A Bowl win against LSU like their second national title.  Clemson has more horses than Ohio State, so I suspect they’ll expose Ohio State and the Big 10 once again, in spite of being Clemson.
Tigers – 38
Buckeyes - 27
and finally...
BCS National Championship Game – Florida State vs. Auburn
Sponsored by Beelzebub and Whoever Signed Off on Those Honda Commercials with Michael Bolton
By the end of September it was clear to anyone paying attention that FSU was damn good, and Jamies Winston was downright special.  By the end of the season it was clear to anyone paying attention Auburn made another deal with the devil, exactly three years removed from their last deal.
FSU looks like an SEC team, and unlike Alabama they have over a month to prepare for Tre Mason and Auburn's complex spread running attack.  How do you prepare for Jameis Winston?   Pray he has an off night, or hope he gets fat and out of shape doing the Heisman rubber chicken banquet circuit, like Chris Weinke in 2000.  Neither is likely.  Chris Weinke was 48 years old in 2000.
This is the most complete FSU team since their 1999 national title team, which is a testament to Jimbo Fisher considering FSU lost 11 kids to the NFL last season.  It's called developing talent Will Muschamp, something UF hasn't done in four seasons.  Next time you and Jimbo are at the beach condo, go ahead and pick Jimbo's brain on how that all works. 
I hope I'm wrong, and this is not some passive aggressive attempt at reverse mojo.  FSU has an explosive offense, a stingy defense and their kicker is automatic inside of 50 yards.  FSU is the best football in the country, and unfortunately the only team with a shot to beat them is playing Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl.

Noles - 31
Tigers - 20

Happy New Year, and be good.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

eViL G's Championship Week Picks

Greetings everyone.
I’d like to give a shout out to The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman, who recently announced he’s ending his wildly popular blog site, www.theunsportsmanlikegentleman.com.  Thanks for making me laugh TUG, and for giving this D-list, off-brand blogger some inspiration.  You will be missed.  There’s an open invitation to a super, secret internet message board with your name on it.  Some very important people in Polk County will be contacting you soon regarding membership.
Enough jibber jabber...we’ve got some huge HUGE games this week, so let’s get on with it.
UCF at Southern Methodist
UCF wants to be called UCF, not Central Florida, not C. Florida, not that school Dante Culpepper played for.  Directional schools not named Southern California typically don’t get to call their shot, but your hometown Knights are a Louisville win tonight…or a Saturday win at SMU…from making BCS history.  As I type this Louisville’s screwing around with Cincinnati, so UCF might have to put in its own work to make that big boy bowl game.  UCF handles their business on the road, leading to a possible Sugar Bowl matchup against a very pissed off (or apathetic) Alabama squad.
The University of Central Florida, located in Orlando – 27
It’s the New SMU, the Incredible New SMU – 14
ACC Championship Game
Duke vs. Florida State
Duke’s football team is playing for the ACC championship.  Miami fans, wrap your fat lips around that delicious historical nugget and gently suck on it.  Duke made it to the ACC Championship Game before you did.  Duke Football is playing for a championship.  My iPad tried auto-correcting “football” for “basketball” eight times before it exploded....just in time for Santa to hook me up with a new iPad Air in a couple weeks.  To no one’s surprise Jameis Winston will be available for the remainder of this season, barring any new allegations from alleged victims.  UF’s secondary is considering filing sexual assault charges against Kelvin Benjamin.  In fact, Loucheiz Purifoy and Cody Riggs might already be pregnant with Benjamin’s children.
FSU – 51
Duke – 21
PAC-12 Championship Game
Stanford at Arizona State
Stanford alums typically go on to do great things, like become Secretary of State, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.  Tiger Woods went to Stanford.  Condi Rice went to Stanford.  Arizona State coeds typically go on to be porn stars, or if they’re really lucky, the spouse of Phil Mickelson.  Tiger Woods knows a thing or two about porn stars, but that’s beside the point.  Stanford already kicked ASU’s teeth in earlier this year, racing to a 29-0 halftime lead then coasting to an easy win.  Stanford won’t coast in the Sun Devil’s house, but they win again.  I’d trade David Shaw and Stanford AD Bernard Muir for Muschamp and Jeremy Foley straight up…that’s right, I said it.
Cardinal – 38
Sun Devils – 34
SEC Championship Game
Auburn vs. Missouri
Nick Saban’s lobotomy was obviously a major success.  How else do you explain that abomination at Jordan-Hare?  Now we’ve got the most unlikely SEC title game ever.  Missouri doesn’t have Auburn’s football pedigree, but they’ve got a nasty defensive line, several gigantic receivers and a veteran QB who really aren’t all that impressed with Auburn’s recent good fortune.  Meanwhile, AU’s kids are hearing about how great they are, doing interviews, banging coeds, and collectively patting themselves on the back for being the luckiest team college football’s seen since the 1998 Tennessee Volunteers.  Auburn might be fun to watch, but Missouri has the better football team. 
Missouri Tigers – 28
Auburn Tigers – 23

 and finally…

Big 10 Championship Game
Michigan State vs. Ohio State
It’s only fitting this last major conference championship game of the BCS era holds the key to no fewer than five bowl matchups.  The possibilities are endless.
Ohio State is college football’s Miley Cyrus.  Given their most recent performances on the big stage, people have a hard time taking them seriously.  Count me in with that group.  The Buckeyes don’t pass the eyeball test like FSU, even though FSU’s schedule is arguably weaker than Ohio State’s.  I don’t know much about Michigan State, other than they have an elite defense, and their marching band has the best entrance in college football…LOVE that kick step.
I’m a huge SEC homer, but if Ohio State wins, they earn the right to get destroyed by Florida State.  If Michigan State wins, Stanford will be waiting for them at the Rose Bowl.  FSU’s BCS title game opponent under that scenario will be determined by penalty kicks, free throws, and a book report on Mike Tyson’s new biography, “This Cheesecake Is Malicious”.
Urban Meyer isn't facing Nick Saban, so Ohio State wins, resulting in Gator Nation’s worst nightmare.  The school you hate versus that coach you used to love, playing for a national title.
Buckeyes – 32
Spartans – 24

Be good.

Rest In Peace
Nelson Mandela
(July 18, 1918 - December 5, 2013)

Friday, November 29, 2013

eViL G's 2013 Hate Week Picks

Welcome to Hate Week.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Here's hoping you had a great day spending time with friends, family and loved ones.  If you didn't have a great day spending time with friends, family and loved ones, I hope you faked it so as not to cause unnecessary drama on a day when we're supposed to count our blessings.  Nobody likes being around an asshole on Thanksgiving.

Hate Week is upon us, but unlike years past I'm struggling to muster up excessive amounts of animosity and general dickishness.  Being subjected to the last two months of Gator football has me more apathetic than pissed.  I'll stop short of ripping the coaching staff or Jeremy Foley.  Why bother?  Gator Nation is emotionally drained, and we're ready for this season to be over. 

Thankfully by this time tomorrow it will be.


South Florida at Central Florida
As far as Hate Week rivalries go, this one is barely old enough to successfully poo poo in the potty without getting a little bit of shit on the bathroom floor.  USF is used to having its way with UCF, winning all four games in the series.  But that ends tomorrow night.  Your hometown Knights have patiently waited all year to lay down this ass whuppin'.
UCF - 40
USF - 14

Texas A&M at Missouri
Not exactly two teams who hate each other, but the stakes are high for Mizzou, who can clinch a spot in the SEC title game, and Johnny Manziel, who I've grown to hate and I'm sure you have too.  Mike Evans doesn't get nearly enough love, and he deserves it because he's bailed out Johnny Acne countless times this season.  A&M's defense is garbage, and Missouri's gigantic receivers should have a field day.  Go Tigers, and F Manziel.
Mizzou - 38
aTm - 28

(Oh and Kevin Sumlin, I should clarify that I hate your QB, not your team and especially not you.  You are a wonderful human being.  If for whatever reason you get tired of College Station...we'll be over here, sucking ass and longing for a new football coach...hugs and kisses.) 

Ohio State at Michigan
As a Florida fan/alum, how do you reconcile Urban Meyer winning two national titles at UF with laying the groundwork for the steamy crapfest Gator football has become?  By hating his fucking guts...that's how.  Good news is Ohio State won't sniff the BCS title game this season.  The bad news is Ohio State gets to masquerade as a legit title contender again...even though anyone paying attention knows FSU or Alabama would beat the Buckeyes like Chris Brown beat Rihanna.  Michigan doesn't stand a chance because their offense sucks almost as badly as ours, without being forced to play their 3rd string QB.  Buckeyes attempt to embarrass Michigan in their house, then bad things happen...stay tuned.
Buckeyes - 31
Wolverines - 17 

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Clemson at South Carolina
Nothing on the line here...just two in-state rivalries no one cares about outside of Georgia or South Carolina.  However I'm curious to see if ClowneyMonster takes one last chunk out of Tajh Boyd's ass.  I'd also like to wish a speedy recovery to UGA's Aaron Murray.  Even though he played for the enemy, he consistently sucked ass against UF for four straight years, and somehow Georgia won three of those games in spite of him doing all he could to help the Gators win.
Dawgs - 17
Jackets - 16

Cocks - 38
Tigers - 24 

FSU at Florida
Man, this is depressing.  I'm having trouble fostering legitimate hatred for FSU.  They're an amazing team to watch.  Jameis Winston should win the Heisman.  If the Crimson Tide get past Auburn and Missouri, FSU's passing game will give Alabama fits. I just hate that UF won't offer one bit of resistance, in The Swamp on Senior Day, in front of 40,000 Seminole fans.  In all kinds of weather we all stick together.  I say fuck this weather.  An epic FSU beat down might just be what the doctor ordered to make things right again.  I hate what UF has become more than what FSU has accomplished...and I'm not alone.  To all my FSU friends and co-workers, enjoy the game.  I'll be watching, hoping for a miracle.
Noles - 52
Crocs - 10
and finally... 

Alabama at Auburn
Nick Saban has plenty of haters.  Hate Nick Saban all you want, he doesn't care.  Nick Saban doesn't know you exist, nor does he care.  You are a pimple on Nick Saban's ass crack.  And when Nick Saban finishes taking a dump, he wipes shit all up in your face.  

The only saving grace for Nick Saban's haters is he doesn't appear to enjoy having the entire college football universe as his bitch.  I'm guessing a lesser person like you or me would handle that type of power differently.  We'd be bigger assholes than Nick Saban...we'd be Lane Kiffin with four national titles.  How fucked up would that be?

As for Auburn, if we leaned anything this year, we learned Gus Malzahn did the heavy lifting three seasons ago while Gene Chizik got all the credit.  Gus is a great coach.  Gene Chizik is unemployed.

The problem with Auburn is, their strengths don't match up well against Alabama.  Auburn can't pass consistently unless two UGA defenders crash into each other on 4th and 18.  Bama struggles defensively against passing teams.  Auburn's rush attack is great.  Bama's rush defense is as great, if not greater.

I don't expect this game to be cosmetically pleasing.  Bama is a notoriously slow starter...and that'll bite them in the ass if they play FSU, but they grind out  an old fashioned SEC street fight.  Roll Tide.

Bama - 18
Auburn - 14

Be good.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

eViL G Flashback - The Hiring of Will Muschamp

What better way to kick off Hate Week...celebrating the most hated man in Gainesville. 

Man, ignorance was bliss three years ago.  Now the joke's on us...literally. 

Stay tuned for Hate Week picks on Friday.


DECEMBER 10, 2011
UF names Dan Mullen this guy as its next football coach.

Let me be among the first to welcome Bill Westchamp to Gator Nation as UF's next head football coach.  The press conference would have been televised earlier tonight on ESPN, but they had some awards ceremony or something going on...probably the ESPYs.

Anyways, Coach Westchamp as I understand it was the next in line at Texas, but since Mack Brown isn't close to death like Bobby Bowden, Bill decided to head east.

As I read more about this guy (and please excuse me while I read more about this guy) it appears as though he's been a very good defensive coordinator, an excellent recruiter, and he's a native of Gainesville. 

So far so good.  (still reading up on Coach Muskstamp...)

His coaching stops included Texas, Auburn, LSU and the NFL's Miami Dolphins.  Westchase played college football at the University of Georg....um, this has to be a misprint.  No way in hell UF would hire a former UGA player would they?  I'm sure there's an explanation for this, so I'll reserve judgment about this guy's background until after National Signing Day.

In the meantime, I welcome Coach Trampstamp to Gainesville with open arms.  Gator Nation is behind you coach.  No pressure...just win every game and we will love you conditionally.

Peace and love.

eViL G


Friday, November 15, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 16th

And the show has reached a new low....at least the basketball team beat Wiscons....nevermind....


UCF at Temple
Bill Cosby, John Chaney and some mysterious intellectual property attorney conspire to keep UCF from fulfilling their BCS destiny.  They fail miserably.
Knights - 27
Owls - 7

Syracuse at FSU
Jameis Winston will not miss playing time, not that FSU needs him to score 50 against us in a couple weeks.
Noles - More than 50
Orange - 14 or less

Florida at South Carolina
Someone named Skyler Morning Wigs will start at QB for Florida tomorrow.  His favorite color is potato and he enjoys eating cheese....that's straight from UF's media guide.  Word out of Columbia is Jadeveon Clowney hasn't been fed in three days, and he's been locked in a room since Thursday morning watching a looped video of DiCaprio's The Great Gatsby.  He'll be ready to kill someone by 7:00 tomorrow night.  I wonder if Steve Spurrier remembers that 56-6 beat down in Gainesville 5 years ago...I'm guessing yes.
Cocks - 1,056
Gators - 6

Georgia at Auburn
Gal Malzhan stakes his claim to unanimously winning SEC Coach of the Year.  All of a sudden that Iron Bowl doesn't look like a sure thing for Alabama.
War Eagle - 34
Hunker Down - 21

Alabama at Mississippi State
Stanford at Southern Cal
The college football gods threw us a bone, giving GatorNation not one, but TWO somewhat compelling games to watch while South Carolina makes UF their prison bitch.  I'll be watching Stanford-USC, just to see Ed Orgeron get interviewed.  Alabama-MSU won't be nearly as entertaining.
Tide - 31
MSU - 14

Trojans - 24
Stanford - 21

Be good.

Big ups to Chad B...thanks buddy!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 9th

Let's stay in touch.  You know...just in case....
Greetings from Central Florida, where this shitfest of a college football season gets more and more painful each week. 

I’m struggling to stay positive folks, struggling to give a damn.  And as I type this Oregon’s doing everything they can to ensure my hated in-state rival gets a national title shot.  Oregon head coach Larry Coker looks completely dumbfounded on the sidelines.  Stanford’s offense resembles what Florida’s offense should look like, but they do it with a bunch of nerds instead of 5* recruits like Xavier Nixon.

Basketball season can’t get here soon enough.  SAVE US KASEY HILL….SAVE US!!!


Auburn at Tennessee
Auburn lost 9 games last year, and they’re on schedule to win 9 games this year.  Gus Malzahn is a shoe-in for SEC Coach of the Year, and his squad might make the Iron Bowl more interesting than anyone expected a couple months ago.  Tennessee’s secondary gets a workout tomorrow.
War Eagle – 30
Rocky Top – 17

Vanderbilt at Florida
Another week, another season ending injury…this time it’s starting left tackle/matador Tyler Moore.  Get well soon Tyler.  If we’ve learned anything this season about UF, his back-up is probably an improvement.  Will Muschamp couldn’t be reached for comment on this latest season-ending injury.  Unconfirmed sources tell me he was alone in his office naked, masturbating to Stanford’s offense.  As a result, UF plays its most inspired football of the season...in front of 50,000 fans bored out of their minds.
Gators - 16
Dores - 10

Houston at UCF
Your hometown, nationally ranked Knights lay a big fat egg at home after believing they’re as great as everyone says they are.
Cougars – 24
Knights – 20

…and finally

LSU at Alabama
Home field means little in this series, and LSU’s passing game is the best Bama’s faced since Johnny Football and Mike Evans torched them in September.  That’s about as good as it gets for LSU.  Bama appears to have hit that championship stride, and LSU’s defense won’t be able to keep pace.
Tide – 37
Tigers – 17

Be good.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 2nd

Invisible Alabama fan in the middle and Stanford fan on the far right...
I'd like to take this time to wish the entire Internet a Happy Halloween. 

We're headed to Jacksonville for a football double-header, and the weekend can't get here soon enough.  My alma mater, undefeated Bishop Kenny High School, takes on Baker County Friday night.  And despite protests from both fan bases, my other alma mater still plans on playing Georgia Saturday afternoon. 

Guess which game I'm more excited about....


Tennessee at Missouri

Knoxville's Future
Mizzou came crashing down to earth last week, and Tennessee may have found its starting QB for the next four years.  His name is Josh Dobbs, and he looks like the light-skinned love child of Manute Bol and Grace Jones.  Judge for yourselves.  Mizzou still controls its destiny to play for its first SEC Championship, and they hold off a pesky Tennessee team that just won't go away.
Mizzou - 27
Vols - 24

Miami at Florida State
Miami's 2013 squad looks eerily similar to UF's 2012 team.  The Canes win, at times looking like complete dog shit while winning...against teams they should destroy.  FSU looks like the best team in the country not named Alabama...or Bishop Kenny High School (suck it Bolles).

Miami gave up over 400 yards to UF's offense.  FSU will eclipse that midway through the second quarter.  Miami gave up 16 points to UF's pathetic offense.  FSU will eclipse that before the second quarter.  Miami almost lost to Wake Forest at home.  Wake Forest is considering cancelling their game with FSU.

FSU is favored by three touchdowns.  They will win by at least four, maybe five.  FSU-Clemson was ugly...this will be much uglier. 
Noles - 55
Canes - 17

 ...and finally

Florida vs. Georgia
Both teams come limping into this game at 4-3, and to make matters worse, the usually festive Florida-Georgia Lot Z pre-game tailgate will also be minus a bunch of regulars.  Hopefully our backups can step in and produce.  Man down, man up.  Chadwick, I’m looking directly at you...this is your time.

Coach E will be a no-show for the second consecutive year, which is unprecedented.  He’s working like a slave up in Charlotte on some super secret IT project.  Good news is, once he’s done and the check clears he’s buying each and every one of you a brand new 2014 Honda Civic…because he can.

Earlier this week UF head coach Will Mustcramps announced freshman tailback prodigy Kelvin Taylor will make his first career start tomorrow.  Injuries aside, it’s been clear to anyone paying attention Taylor should have started weeks ago.  KT looked great against Missouri last week, but we scored too quickly when he was in the game so Mustcramps had no choice but to bench him in favor of a 5 foot, 3 inch Asian kid with one leg.  Winning the time of possession battle is just that important. 

UGA gets Todd Gurley back, which almost seems unfair even when you consider Aaron Murray usually saves his worst performances for Florida.  UGA’s defense is suspect, but they’re going up against UF’s offense.  UGA's offense is decimated by skill position injuries, but UF's defense looks more mortal each week.  Advantage Georgia. 

Muschamp’s margin of error is slimmer than JJ from Good Times.  Three straight losses to Georgia puts him in squarely on the hot seat, uncharted territory Ron Zook never reached.  Say what you want about Brent Pease, but I marvel at his consistency.  The timing of Tyler Murphy's regression is remarkably similar to Driskel's regression last season.  Pease might lose his job before halftime. 

UF should bust out the orange jerseys Saturday to make this tranformation back to being UGA's bitch complete.

It feels like 1988 all over again.

Dawgs - 24
Gators - 10

Be good.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

eViL G's Bye Week Extravaganza

Tiger Woods reacts to last week's UF-Missouri game.
Welcome to the most anticipated bye week in the history of Florida Football.
I know we’re supposed to stick together in all kinds of weather, but let's face it...Gator Nation needs a break from its football team.
I would encourage all of you to engage in stress-free activities this weekend while you have the opportunity.
I’m taking the week off too, but not before patting myself on the back for calling UCF’s upset over Louisville.  Don't act like you weren't impressed.
I'll be back next week for the least anticipated Cocktail Party since Gary Darnell and Ray Goff roamed the sidelines.

Until then, be good.

Friday, October 18, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 19th

Well see, what had happen wuz...
 Happy Friday!
No time to waste this week, so let's get right to it....


UCF at Louisville
In a world where a BCS title contender's toughest opponent is a directional school in Orlando...followed by USF, UConn, Memphis, Houston and Cincinnati...sometimes the football gods throw you a bone and make everything right. 
Knights - 27
Cardinals - 24

Florida at Missouri
UF's offense is much like these weekly picks, or perhaps the final season of Dexter.  We've all grown accustomed to being underwhelmed week in and week out.  While last week's loss at LSU wasn't all that surprising, patience is wearing exremely thin with this old-fangled offense on display in Gainesville.  Does Brent Pease suck as an offensive coordinator, or does head coach Bill Roughstamp have an incentive clause in his contract for winning time of possession...or both?  Whatever the case, UF's coaching staff is officially on notice.  Ron Zook never lost more than 5 games at UF.  Muschamp is in danger of doing it twice in his first 3 years.  With South Carolina, Georgia and FSU looming on the schedule, a loss in Columbia tomorrow is the first nail in Muscramp's coffin.  The direction of UF's football program hinges on the outcome of this game.  To make matters worse, rumor has it Tyler Murphy hasn't practiced all week.  Is it basketball season yet?  Man I can't wait to see Kasey Hill dunk on Marshall Henderson.
Mizzou - 20
Gators - 9

South Carolina at Tennessee
Careful ol' ball coach...Tennessee is improving, and your team appears to be slightly distracted, if not disjointed over all this Clowney nonsense.  Luckily Connor Shaw is a gamer, and Tennessee's starting QB would be the backup at every SEC school except Kentucky.
Cocks - 27
Vols - 13
In other action:
- Texas A&M and Auburn combine for 105 points
- Les Miles gets it done against Ole Miss
- Stanford handles UCLA

and finally...

Florida State at Clemson
ESPN College Gameday is in Clemson for the second time in less than 8 weeks...that's like Haley's Comet showing up every night for a month.

If you're still hating on Jameis Winston, like some wearing orange and blue glasses, because of an alleged lack of competition, please keep in mind this is the same shitty ACC competition EJ Manuel struggled with.  It's same shitty ACC competition Charlie Ward didn't get the opportunity to start against until he was a junior...and Charlie nearly got benched his junior year after completing one too many passes to defenders on shitty ACC teams.

Jamies Winston is on his way to breaking single-season passing records at FSU as a freshman.  Charlie Ward was FSU's starting punter as a freshman.

My views on Clemson are well documented, and they've proved me wrong once already.  But FSU's defense, specifically FSU's secondary, is much better than that green UGA defense Clemson torched back in September. 

If FSU beats Clemson and UF, Jameis Winston will win the Heisman Trophy...a Heisman Trophy winner named Winston.  I wonder if he can triple jump.

If Clemson beats FSU...well, chalk it up to a geeked up home crowd and a little reverse mojo.

I'm still not sold on Clemson.

Noles - 31
Tigers - 27

Be good.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 12th

Jadeveon Who?
Happy Friday Everyone.

Tomorrow afternoon, mRs. eViL G and I are entertaining friends, family, and members of the Internet's most dangerous super secret message board for our 2nd Annual Big Ass Gator Football Watch/Pool Party.  The guest list includes former UF basketball great Craig Brown, UCF's head women's basketball coach, and some guy named Chadwick.

It's also my father's 80th birthday today, so tomorrow's big watch/pool party takes on added significance.  He will be in attendance, along with a few family members he hasn't seen in a while...so please don't ruin the surprise.

Now my father doesn't swim...he's an 80 year-old black man after all...and I predict he'll sleep through the second half of Florida-LSU after a vodka shot or two.  But I love him just the same, and I can't wait to see him this weekend.

Happy 80th Birthday SLW, Jr!!  Your baby boy has a bottle of Absolut and a hand rolled Montecristo with your name on it.


Texas vs. Oklahoma
The Mack Brown Farewell Tour makes its final stop at the Texas State Fair, but not before Bobby Stoops gets all up in that ass one last time.  
Sooners - 42
Longhorns - 14

Missouri at Georgia
Last year UGA taught Mizzou the true meaning of grown man football.  This year UGA's defense is chock full of 13th graders, and Mizzou is playing much better than expected.  Aaron Murray's had a week to learn the names of his new starting tailback and receivers, so those timing and chemistry issues we saw in Knoxville shouldn't be an issue.  UGA needs to make a statement after last week's near debacle...and they do just that.
Georgia - 38
Mizzou - 13

South Carolina at Arkansas
You want drama?  We got drama.  A couple weeks ago Steve Spurrier got all liquored up (allegedly) following a come from behind win at the snake pit known as Bright House Networks Stadium.  A week later, someone close to Jadeveon Clowney shared with him what a bi-monthly paycheck looks like when your annual salary is $8.5 million.  Shit, I'd pass on playing Kentucky too.  Whether Clowney plays or not, Arkansas doesn't have enough offensive firepower to keep up with Shaw and Company.  Cocks win.
Chickens - 30
Pigs - 17

...and finally

Florida at LSU
LSU pays tribute to its 2003 national championship team this Saturday in Red Stick, which is weird considering their only loss that season came at the hands of Ron Zook's Florida Gators.  Perhaps UF should recognize our 2008 national championship team five years from now when Ole Miss comes to town...okay maybe not.

Every week it seems like we learn something new about Florida.  Three weeks ago we learned Tyler Murphy might be college football's best kept secret.  Two weeks ago we learned it takes Matt Jones two minutes and eight seconds to run 67 yards.  Last week we learned Solomon Patton might look like a 9th grader playing varsity, but he's the gamebreaker UF's offense desparately needed.

This week we'll find out just how good UF's defense is.  Ditto for LSU's offense.  Tyler Murphy's had the luxury of playing two games at home, and another at Kentucky...so make that three home games.  Saturday's environment will be slightly more intense when UF has the ball.

In spite of LSU's questionable defense, Florida struggles to get the running game going, primarily because UF's coaching staff hates Kelvin Taylor.  UF's defense plays lights out again...led by Dante Fowler...but UF's offense stalls out one too many times, resulting in a missed field goal with seconds to play.

The good guys cover, but the bad guys win.

LSU - 21
UF - 20

Be good.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

eViL G's Weekly Picks - October 5th

UF's 2013 offense...I think I've seen it somewhere before....

Greetings from Central Florida, where Steve Spurrier's blood alcohol level is none of your damn business.

A non-gameday pilgrimage to UF’s campus yesterday has me feeling somwhat nostalgic.  It was a business trip, but I still managed to find time to sneak into The Swamp in between meetings at Shands.  It bears noting that I was able to park illegally at the O’Dome without getting a ticket, something that NEVER happened when I was a student 27 years ago.

There’s a Starbucks and Chick Fil’A on campus now.  We had Burger King and Krystal across the street from campus on University Ave, and we liked it.

The HUB is no longer the hub. 

Burrito Brothers is gone, but you can tailgate where it used to be.

The cable company didn't carry Fox back then, so on Sunday nights we'd go to Joe's Deli to watch The Simpsons via satellite.

There was no internet access at Library East or Library West.  We had something called LUIS, which was an improvement over Dewey and his decimal system, but that book you needed for your research paper was never where it was supposed to be. 

Our preferred gaming system was the Space N’ Gator arcade conveniently located at the Reitz Union.  We didn't have cell phones.

It's crazy to think it's been almost THREE DECADES since I first stepped foot on campus.  But some things never change...after 60 years, Century Tower hasn't lost a brick.  

Our student body is still undefeated.  Boom. 

You know what time it is.


Maryland at Florida State
FSU fans are going straight up Tebow over Jameis Winston, to the point where they’re buying t-shirts with Winston posing as Jesus…the Messiah.  It reminded me of that Good Times episode when JJ painted a picture of Black Jesus, and his mother (whose first name coincidentally was Florida) didn’t approve…because as we all know, every baby born in Jerusalem back in the day had blonde hair and blue eyes.  If you’re too young to remember Good Times, think Cosby Show, but with poor people.  If you’re too young to remember the Cosby Show, quit reading this and go finish your damn homework.  Maryland is better than usual, but FSU is still much better than Maryland.  Science.
Noles – 38
Terps - 17

Ohio State at Northwestern
Let’s see…leave Florida because Nick Saban owns you, but not before taking the entire 2010 season off to practice for your ESPN announcer gig.  Check.  Report your former employer to the NCAA for some nit-picky secondary violations.  Check.  Kick out members of the media from open practices because they wore blue shirts.  Check.  Convince James Clark to leave New Smyrna Beach for Columbus instead of Gainesville.  Check.  It took a little longer than expected, but I now officially hate Urban Meyer, and I hope he catches pink eye and rickets.  I also look forward to booing him 20 years from now when UF Director of Athletics Shane Matthews inducts Meyer into the Ring of Honor, hopefully followed by Shane punching Urban in the face.  As for the game, if this was a science fair, or a battle of journalism essays, Northwestern might stand a chance.  It’s not, they don’t, and this game gets ugly quick.
Dumb Kids – 41
Smart Kids – 21

Georgia at Tennessee
Tennessee is a dumpster fire right now, and life won’t get any easier Saturday after UGA comes to town and drops half a hundred on ‘em.  I don’t know if UGA is the SEC’s best team, but they’ve got the most impressive resume so far, and Alabama just lost their best defensive back from an already weak secondary.  It’s WAY too early to call, but if by chance Georgia finds itself in a position to extend the SEC’s national title streak, you guys would be okay with cheering for Oregon right?  Who’s with me?
UGA – around 50
Vols  – less than 20

and finally... 

Arkansas at Florida
Rewinding back to 1986, I remember picking up football tickets at Simpson Hall on Thursday, hopping the north end zone wall Friday night to tape my flask filled with Captain Morgan under the seat, where it was usually waiting for me on Saturday afternoon.   Fast forward 27 years later, students can’t be bothered to get to football games on time, if they go at all. 

Remember the offensive schemes SEC teams abandoned when Steve Spurrier came to the SEC in 1990?  You’ll see that very same offense from both teams Saturday night.  Kickoff is set for 7:00pm, and this game might be over by 9:00 the way both teams run the football.

Alex Collins should provide a strong test for what's easily the SEC's best defense, even without Easley.  You'd think by now opposing QBs would stop picking on Vernon Hargreaves III, but for some reason they keep thinking he's someone other than the best freshman defensive football player in UF's history...that's right I said it.

This game won't win any beauty contests, but the good guys win...just like we used to in the 80s...with just enough offense and too much defense for the bad guys to handle.

Gators - 20
Hogs - 13

Be good.