Tuesday, August 28, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - Labor Day Edition

We ain't exactly brimming with confidence either coach.....

Greetings from Central Florida everyone.  Powered by the most dangerous super secret internet message board on the planet, Chik Fil’a spicy chicken sandwiches and the grace of God, eViLG is back once again to talk some college football.
Thanks to a variety of reasons, I'll be reporting from the sidelines this season instead of Section 2, Row 7 in The Swamp.  For the first time in 26 years, I’m missing UF’s season opener, along with just about every other home game with the exception of LSU.

You can blame this Swamp Sabbatical on life changes, family health issues that place college football in its proper perspective, not to mention the purchase of a sweet new house equipped with the man patio I always wanted.  All of these reasons are legit.  At the end of the day, the thought of waking up at 6:30, packing a cooler, hitting the road early to get a good parking spot on campus by 8:30 (before all the graduate students show up), then baking in the Alachua County sun for 3+ hours…well, I’d much rather wake up at 9:30, get comfortable in my Archie Bunker chaise lounge in front of the patio TV and not move for the next 14 hours.
For all of you naysayers quick to accuse me of bailing on my Gators, when clearly they need all the support they can get, I have but one question for you.  Have you seen how much gas costs lately?  My car takes premium.  After running some numbers, I concluded that I can support my beloved alma mater more effectively by working remotely.  Not only is it cost effective, it’s better for the environment, I don't have to worry about AT&T's shitty wireless coverage inside the stadium, and I’m just getting too damn old to attend football games in person.  My knees hurt whenever I breathe.  I'd much rather stay home and watch about a dozen games from the comfort of my favorite pool float.
Father Time is undefeated folks, and he’s running up the score on my ass.  That said, it’s good to be back.
South Carolina at Vanderbilt
These are not your father's Vanderbilt Commodores.  I know this is true, because Tennessee fans are spending WAY too much time bellyaching about Vandy's head coach.  Since when does anyone care what Vandy's football coach has to say?  Steve Spurrier has never been at a loss for words, and given the departure of "The One-Man Police Blotter" Stephen Garcia this year should be relatively stress free for the ole ball coach.  Steve Howe thinks Spurrier gave Garcia too many chances.  The Gamecocks are poised to make another run to Atlanta, provided Marcus Lattimore's knee holds up, and Spurrier can conjure up some 1990s style mojo when UGA comes to town on October 6.  As for you Coach Franklin, you are on my official watch list...you know, just in case...
Cocks - 30
Dores - 17
NC State vs. Tennessee
Poor Derek Dooley.  It's bad enough his mama has to do his bidding on sports talk radio...and I speak for the entire Southeastern Conference when I say we ALL hope your boy stays at Tennessee for a LONG time Mrs. Dooley...the Vols recently parted ways with talented but troubled star receiver Da'Rick Rogers.  The good people over at Volnation.com assure me this is no big deal, because in addition to the return of Justin Hunter, UT has another stud receiver, a JUCO kid with a first name even more ghetto than Da'Rick, who just so happens to be the real deal.  Well he better be, because NC State has a NFL 1st round shutdown corner by the name of Amerson who led the nation in interceptions last season.  He also returns punts like Brandon James.  For all the pre-season hype UT QB Tyler Bray received, NC State's QB Mike Glennon is just as underrated, and from all accounts he doesn't throw beer bottles at cars.  Oh those crazy college kids...
Vols - 22
Wolfpack - 21

Boise State at Michigan State
The first fruit basket of the year goes to MIchigan State, who unlike Georgia or Virginia Tech in years past, puts an immediate end to the Boise State BCS nonsense before MDA's Labor Day Telethon gets rolling.  Sparty gets it done.  Go Green.  Go White.
MSU - 37
BSU - 14

Notre Dame vs. Navy
My views on Notre Dame, their sweetheart deal with the BCS and institutional arrogance are well documented.  That said, I'm looking forward to this game because as soon as I roll out of bed Saturday morning, there's already a game to watch.  All Irish hate aside, I think it's cool Notre Dame is playing a "home" game in Ireland.  That's kinda like USC playing a home game in Compton.
Irish - 32
Navy - 22

Bowling Green at Florida
Optimism abounds just about everywhere but God’s Country, where Gator Nation is bracing itself for the natural disaster known Florida’s QB situation.  Head coach Bill Westchamp has been reluctant to name a starter, and if last year’s performances are any indication it doesn’t take rocket surgeon to figure out why.  Yes, I said rocket surgeon.  Coach Muschase says both QBs will play, meaning UF’s opener against Bowling Green is a glorified dress rehearsal for upcoming road dates at College Station and Knoxville.  According to GatorSports.com, Jeff Driskel and Jacoby Brissett will both play a quarter, and based on their performances the "winner" play the entire second half.  If both QBs are still even after the first half, they'll alternate 3rd quarter snaps...Brissett on odd downs and Driskel on even.  If both QBs are deadlocked headed into the final quarter, the starter at Texas A&M will be decided by a best-of 5 game of Words with Friends, followed by a 200-word essay on the Discovery Channel Special: "The Armadillo - Nature's Little Tank".  Thank God we have a championship caliber defense. 
Gators - 37
Falcons - 13

Clemson vs. Auburn
These schools are mirror images of each other, right down to their school colors and generic animal mascots.  Once in a blue moon they'll win a national title, only to answer to the NCAA at some point for doing so.  The most popular landmark on one campus is a drug store, the other's is a gas station.  Both schools leave you scratching your head over how they attract elite talent to the middle of nowhere when better options are available within their state's borders.  Last time we saw Clemson, West Virginia was busy making them their bitch in the Orange Bowl.  Historically Auburn has been Alabama's bitch for, like, ever.  This one is too close to call.
CU Tigers - 28
AU Tigers - 27.95

and finally....

Alabama vs. Michigan
ESPN should televise this game in black and white.  Two throwback, old school college football programs known for grinding it out on offense, lights out defense (Bama moreso than Michigan lately), and just enough trickeration on special teams to keep you from completely falling asleep. 

Lost in ESPN's rush to crown Urban Meyer the B1G's new king, Brady Hoke is quitely building a championship contender in Ann Arbor.  Hoke is in a great position to make life miserable for Meyer...just like Nick Saban did before Meyer concluded the SEC was too tough for his fragile cardiopulmonary system.  Meanwhile Saban has his program in cruise control.

Michigan is Rose Bowl relevant again, but not quite BCS title game relevant.  Denard Robinson is one of the most dynamic athletes in college football, but he's more one-dimensional than characters in a Tyler Perry movie.  Bama will stack the box, put a spy on Robinson, force him to pass and win the game by two touchdowns after Bama's o-line wears down and wears out Michigan.
Bama - 23
Michigan - 10

Be good.


  1. Welcome to Weak Excuse City.

    Population: 1986 State of Florida Triple Jump Champion.