eViL G's BCS Bowl Picks

I won't miss you when you're gone.

Happy Holidays!

 

Here’s hoping you had a very Merry Christmas, and best wishes for a Happy New Year.  Santa was very good to the eViL G family this year.  Hopefully next year he brings me a new football coach.

 

No time to waste...gotta get these picks in before 2014.

 

Party safe tonight!

 

PICKS!!!

 

Sugar Bowl – Oklahoma vs. Alabama

Sponsored by Harvey Updyke’s Legal Defense Team…Call 1-888-ROW-TIED…

Auburn’s in the national title game, which means there’s literally hundreds of Alabama fans ready to act a fool if FSU somehow loses.  God forbid if Auburn comes within 27 recognized national titles of Alabama…LET’S GO PLANT AN ATOMIC BOMB AT TOOMER’S CORNER NEXT TO THAT STRIP MALL WITH THE KIDDIE DAY CARE AND PUPPY PET STORE!!!  ROW TIED!!!  I’m still convinced the aliens from Space Jam stole Nick Saban’s brain hours before the Iron Bowl.  Luckily those same aliens took off with Bobby Stoops’ medulla oblongata back in the early 2000s.  Oklahoma hasn’t won a meaningful bowl game since.  I’m hoping the trend of ridiculous alternative bowl uniforms continues, because these two teams have identical colors and uniforms.  Texas Tech’s Holiday Bowl uniforms look like they were made out of tweed.  By the time America figures out which red helmet team is Oklahoma, Alabama will be up 14-0 five minutes into the first quarter.  Row Tied Row.

Bama – 34

OU - 18

 

 

Rose Bowl – Michigan State vs. Stanford

Sponsored by Whoever Pays for that Awesome Pre-Game B-2 Stealth Bomber Flyover in Pasadena

I love both of these teams.  Michigan State ended the most overrated winning streak in college football, while at the same time ensuring Florida State plays a team with a pulse in the national title game.  That’s a win-win.  Stanford continues to make the PAC-12 its bitch…Oregon in particular…playing like an SEC school with a collective GPA higher than Vanderbilt’s chess team.  What’s not to love?  Due to both teams’ ball control, run-first style of offense, Will Muschamp will likely watch this game naked in his living room, with 26 aerosol containers of Cheez Whiz and a 2-liter jug of Jergens lotion to prevent chafing.  While Musclecramp is lusting over what real ball control offenses look like, I will continue to openly lust after Stanford's Director of Athletics…and Gainesville native…Bernard Muir.  Come on home Bernard, and bring David Shaw…or James Franklin…or Kevin Sumlin…or the object of mRs. eViLG’s lust Charlie Strong along with you.

Cardinal – 20

Sparty – 14

 

 

Fiesta Bowl – UCF vs. Baylor

Sponsored by the State of Arizona’s Attempts to Legally Kill Anyone Who Looks Like An Illegal Alien

It’s bad enough UCF has an identity complex over every media outlet outside of Central Florida insisting on calling them “Central Florida”.  Now on at least six occasions I’ve heard ESPN talking heads refer to UCF as the “Golden Knights”.  UCF dropped the “Golden” about seven years ago.  They’re just the Knights…the UCF Freaking Knights.  Is that so hard to remember?  Baylor is a prohibitive favorite, despite this being their first big boy bowl game too.  Blake Bortles might have something to say about the outcome.  Unfortunately so will UCF’s defense.  Your hometown Knights struggled down the stretch against teams they should have destroyed, and Baylor's offense is no joke.

Bears - 44

Knights - 28

 

 

Orange Bowl – Clemson vs. Ohio State

Sponsored by A&E’s “The First 48”, TruTV and the Florida Department of Corrections

Two rabid fan bases wondering what could have been get together in Miami, where there’s a better chance of their rental cars being stolen than anyone outside of Columbus or Clemson staying awake for the entire game.  My advice to OSU and IPTAY fans is this…leave the keys in your rental car with the motor running at all times.  Dade County locals will think it’s a bait car and leave it alone.  Two very good college QBs end their college career in this game.  One of them has the luxury of throwing to Sammy Watkins, the other doesn’t.  That said, Urban Meyer is usually money in bowl games.  Clemson gave up 70 points in the Orange Bowl a few years ago, and they treated last year’s Chick Fil’A Bowl win against LSU like their second national title.  Clemson has more horses than Ohio State, so I suspect they’ll expose Ohio State and the Big 10 once again, in spite of being Clemson.

Tigers – 38

Buckeyes - 27

 

 

and finally...

 

 

BCS National Championship Game – Florida State vs. Auburn

Sponsored by Beelzebub and Whoever Signed Off on Those Honda Commercials with Michael Bolton

By the end of September it was clear to anyone paying attention that FSU was damn good, and Jamies Winston was downright special.  By the end of the season it was clear to anyone paying attention Auburn made another deal with the devil, exactly three years removed from their last deal.

 

FSU looks like an SEC team, and unlike Alabama they have over a month to prepare for Tre Mason and Auburn's complex spread running attack.  How do you prepare for Jameis Winston?   Pray he has an off night, or hope he gets fat and out of shape doing the Heisman rubber chicken banquet circuit, like Chris Weinke in 2000.  Neither is likely.  Chris Weinke was 48 years old in 2000.

 

This is the most complete FSU team since their 1999 national title team, which is a testament to Jimbo Fisher considering FSU lost 11 kids to the NFL last season.  It's called developing talent Will Muschamp, something UF hasn't done in four seasons.  Next time you and Jimbo are at the beach condo, go ahead and pick Jimbo's brain on how that all works. 

 

I hope I'm wrong, and this is not some passive aggressive attempt at reverse mojo.  FSU has an explosive offense, a stingy defense and their kicker is automatic inside of 50 yards.  FSU is the best football in the country, and unfortunately the only team with a shot to beat them is playing Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl.

Noles - 31
Tigers - 20


Happy New Year, and be good.
eG

eViL G's Championship Week Picks



Greetings everyone.

 

I’d like to give a shout out to The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman, who recently announced he’s ending his wildly popular blog site, www.theunsportsmanlikegentleman.com.  Thanks for making me laugh TUG, and for giving this D-list, off-brand blogger some inspiration.  You will be missed.  There’s an open invitation to a super, secret internet message board with your name on it.  Some very important people in Polk County will be contacting you soon regarding membership.

 

Enough jibber jabber...we’ve got some huge HUGE games this week, so let’s get on with it.

 

PICKS!!!

 

UCF at Southern Methodist

UCF wants to be called UCF, not Central Florida, not C. Florida, not that school Dante Culpepper played for.  Directional schools not named Southern California typically don’t get to call their shot, but your hometown Knights are a Louisville win tonight…or a Saturday win at SMU…from making BCS history.  As I type this Louisville’s screwing around with Cincinnati, so UCF might have to put in its own work to make that big boy bowl game.  UCF handles their business on the road, leading to a possible Sugar Bowl matchup against a very pissed off (or apathetic) Alabama squad.

The University of Central Florida, located in Orlando – 27

It’s the New SMU, the Incredible New SMU – 14

 

ACC Championship Game

Duke vs. Florida State

Duke’s football team is playing for the ACC championship.  Miami fans, wrap your fat lips around that delicious historical nugget and gently suck on it.  Duke made it to the ACC Championship Game before you did.  Duke Football is playing for a championship.  My iPad tried auto-correcting “football” for “basketball” eight times before it exploded....just in time for Santa to hook me up with a new iPad Air in a couple weeks.  To no one’s surprise Jameis Winston will be available for the remainder of this season, barring any new allegations from alleged victims.  UF’s secondary is considering filing sexual assault charges against Kelvin Benjamin.  In fact, Loucheiz Purifoy and Cody Riggs might already be pregnant with Benjamin’s children.

FSU – 51

Duke – 21

 

PAC-12 Championship Game

Stanford at Arizona State

Stanford alums typically go on to do great things, like become Secretary of State, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.  Tiger Woods went to Stanford.  Condi Rice went to Stanford.  Arizona State coeds typically go on to be porn stars, or if they’re really lucky, the spouse of Phil Mickelson.  Tiger Woods knows a thing or two about porn stars, but that’s beside the point.  Stanford already kicked ASU’s teeth in earlier this year, racing to a 29-0 halftime lead then coasting to an easy win.  Stanford won’t coast in the Sun Devil’s house, but they win again.  I’d trade David Shaw and Stanford AD Bernard Muir for Muschamp and Jeremy Foley straight up…that’s right, I said it.

Cardinal – 38

Sun Devils – 34

 

SEC Championship Game

Auburn vs. Missouri

Nick Saban’s lobotomy was obviously a major success.  How else do you explain that abomination at Jordan-Hare?  Now we’ve got the most unlikely SEC title game ever.  Missouri doesn’t have Auburn’s football pedigree, but they’ve got a nasty defensive line, several gigantic receivers and a veteran QB who really aren’t all that impressed with Auburn’s recent good fortune.  Meanwhile, AU’s kids are hearing about how great they are, doing interviews, banging coeds, and collectively patting themselves on the back for being the luckiest team college football’s seen since the 1998 Tennessee Volunteers.  Auburn might be fun to watch, but Missouri has the better football team. 

Missouri Tigers – 28
Auburn Tigers – 23

 and finally…

Big 10 Championship Game

Michigan State vs. Ohio State

It’s only fitting this last major conference championship game of the BCS era holds the key to no fewer than five bowl matchups.  The possibilities are endless.

 

Ohio State is college football’s Miley Cyrus.  Given their most recent performances on the big stage, people have a hard time taking them seriously.  Count me in with that group.  The Buckeyes don’t pass the eyeball test like FSU, even though FSU’s schedule is arguably weaker than Ohio State’s.  I don’t know much about Michigan State, other than they have an elite defense, and their marching band has the best entrance in college football…LOVE that kick step.

 

I’m a huge SEC homer, but if Ohio State wins, they earn the right to get destroyed by Florida State.  If Michigan State wins, Stanford will be waiting for them at the Rose Bowl.  FSU’s BCS title game opponent under that scenario will be determined by penalty kicks, free throws, and a book report on Mike Tyson’s new biography, “This Cheesecake Is Malicious”.

 

Urban Meyer isn't facing Nick Saban, so Ohio State wins, resulting in Gator Nation’s worst nightmare.  The school you hate versus that coach you used to love, playing for a national title.

Buckeyes – 32

Spartans – 24

Be good.

eG

Rest In Peace

Nelson Mandela

(July 18, 1918 - December 5, 2013)

eViL G's 2013 Hate Week Picks

Welcome to Hate Week.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Here's hoping you had a great day spending time with friends, family and loved ones.  If you didn't have a great day spending time with friends, family and loved ones, I hope you faked it so as not to cause unnecessary drama on a day when we're supposed to count our blessings.  Nobody likes being around an asshole on Thanksgiving.

Hate Week is upon us, but unlike years past I'm struggling to muster up excessive amounts of animosity and general dickishness.  Being subjected to the last two months of Gator football has me more apathetic than pissed.  I'll stop short of ripping the coaching staff or Jeremy Foley.  Why bother?  Gator Nation is emotionally drained, and we're ready for this season to be over. 

Thankfully by this time tomorrow it will be.

picks.

South Florida at Central Florida

As far as Hate Week rivalries go, this one is barely old enough to successfully poo poo in the potty without getting a little bit of shit on the bathroom floor.  USF is used to having its way with UCF, winning all four games in the series.  But that ends tomorrow night.  Your hometown Knights have patiently waited all year to lay down this ass whuppin'.
UCF - 40
USF - 14

Texas A&M at Missouri

Not exactly two teams who hate each other, but the stakes are high for Mizzou, who can clinch a spot in the SEC title game, and Johnny Manziel, who I've grown to hate and I'm sure you have too.  Mike Evans doesn't get nearly enough love, and he deserves it because he's bailed out Johnny Acne countless times this season.  A&M's defense is garbage, and Missouri's gigantic receivers should have a field day.  Go Tigers, and F Manziel.

Mizzou - 38
aTm - 28

(Oh and Kevin Sumlin, I should clarify that I hate your QB, not your team and especially not you.  You are a wonderful human being.  If for whatever reason you get tired of College Station...we'll be over here, sucking ass and longing for a new football coach...hugs and kisses.) 

Ohio State at Michigan

As a Florida fan/alum, how do you reconcile Urban Meyer winning two national titles at UF with laying the groundwork for the steamy crapfest Gator football has become?  By hating his fucking guts...that's how.  Good news is Ohio State won't sniff the BCS title game this season.  The bad news is Ohio State gets to masquerade as a legit title contender again...even though anyone paying attention knows FSU or Alabama would beat the Buckeyes like Chris Brown beat Rihanna.  Michigan doesn't stand a chance because their offense sucks almost as badly as ours, without being forced to play their 3rd string QB.  Buckeyes attempt to embarrass Michigan in their house, then bad things happen...stay tuned.

Buckeyes - 31
Wolverines - 17 

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Clemson at South Carolina

Nothing on the line here...just two in-state rivalries no one cares about outside of Georgia or South Carolina.  However I'm curious to see if ClowneyMonster takes one last chunk out of Tajh Boyd's ass.  I'd also like to wish a speedy recovery to UGA's Aaron Murray.  Even though he played for the enemy, he consistently sucked ass against UF for four straight years, and somehow Georgia won three of those games in spite of him doing all he could to help the Gators win.

Dawgs - 17
Jackets - 16

Cocks - 38
Tigers - 24 

FSU at Florida

Man, this is depressing.  I'm having trouble fostering legitimate hatred for FSU.  They're an amazing team to watch.  Jameis Winston should win the Heisman.  If the Crimson Tide get past Auburn and Missouri, FSU's passing game will give Alabama fits. I just hate that UF won't offer one bit of resistance, in The Swamp on Senior Day, in front of 40,000 Seminole fans.  In all kinds of weather we all stick together.  I say fuck this weather.  An epic FSU beat down might just be what the doctor ordered to make things right again.  I hate what UF has become more than what FSU has accomplished...and I'm not alone.  To all my FSU friends and co-workers, enjoy the game.  I'll be watching, hoping for a miracle.

Noles - 52
Crocs - 10
 

and finally... 

Alabama at Auburn

Nick Saban has plenty of haters.  Hate Nick Saban all you want, he doesn't care.  Nick Saban doesn't know you exist, nor does he care.  You are a pimple on Nick Saban's ass crack.  And when Nick Saban finishes taking a dump, he wipes shit all up in your face.  

The only saving grace for Nick Saban's haters is he doesn't appear to enjoy having the entire college football universe as his bitch.  I'm guessing a lesser person like you or me would handle that type of power differently.  We'd be bigger assholes than Nick Saban...we'd be Lane Kiffin with four national titles.  How fucked up would that be?

As for Auburn, if we leaned anything this year, we learned Gus Malzahn did the heavy lifting three seasons ago while Gene Chizik got all the credit.  Gus is a great coach.  Gene Chizik is unemployed.

The problem with Auburn is, their strengths don't match up well against Alabama.  Auburn can't pass consistently unless two UGA defenders crash into each other on 4th and 18.  Bama struggles defensively against passing teams.  Auburn's rush attack is great.  Bama's rush defense is as great, if not greater.

I don't expect this game to be cosmetically pleasing.  Bama is a notoriously slow starter...and that'll bite them in the ass if they play FSU, but they grind out  an old fashioned SEC street fight.  Roll Tide.
Bama - 18
Auburn - 14

Be good.
eG

eViL G Flashback - The Hiring of Will Muschamp

What better way to kick off Hate Week...celebrating the most hated man in Gainesville. 

Man, ignorance was bliss three years ago.  Now the joke's on us...literally. 

Stay tuned for Hate Week picks on Friday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DECEMBER 10, 2011

 

UF names Dan Mullen this guy as its next football coach.



Let me be among the first to welcome Bill Westchamp to Gator Nation as UF's next head football coach.  The press conference would have been televised earlier tonight on ESPN, but they had some awards ceremony or something going on...probably the ESPYs.

Anyways, Coach Westchamp as I understand it was the next in line at Texas, but since Mack Brown isn't close to death like Bobby Bowden, Bill decided to head east.

As I read more about this guy (and please excuse me while I read more about this guy) it appears as though he's been a very good defensive coordinator, an excellent recruiter, and he's a native of Gainesville. 

So far so good.  (still reading up on Coach Muskstamp...)

His coaching stops included Texas, Auburn, LSU and the NFL's Miami Dolphins.  Westchase played college football at the University of Georg....um, this has to be a misprint.  No way in hell UF would hire a former UGA player would they?  I'm sure there's an explanation for this, so I'll reserve judgment about this guy's background until after National Signing Day.

In the meantime, I welcome Coach Trampstamp to Gainesville with open arms.  Gator Nation is behind you coach.  No pressure...just win every game and we will love you conditionally.

Peace and love.

eViL G

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eViL G's Weekly Picks - November 16th

ROCK BOTTOM!!!  ROCK BOTTOM!!!  ROCK BOTTOM!!!

And the show has reached a new low....at least the basketball team beat Wiscons....nevermind....

PICKS!!

UCF at Temple

Bill Cosby, John Chaney and some mysterious intellectual property attorney conspire to keep UCF from fulfilling their BCS destiny.  They fail miserably.

Knights - 27

Owls - 7

Syracuse at FSU

Jameis Winston will not miss playing time, not that FSU needs him to score 50 against us in a couple weeks.

Noles - More than 50

Orange - 14 or less

Florida at South Carolina

Someone named Skyler Morning Wigs will start at QB for Florida tomorrow.  His favorite color is potato and he enjoys eating cheese....that's straight from UF's media guide.  Word out of Columbia is Jadeveon Clowney hasn't been fed in three days, and he's been locked in a room since Thursday morning watching a looped video of DiCaprio's The Great Gatsby.  He'll be ready to kill someone by 7:00 tomorrow night.  I wonder if Steve Spurrier remembers that 56-6 beat down in Gainesville 5 years ago...I'm guessing yes.

Cocks - 1,056

Gators - 6

Georgia at Auburn

Gal Malzhan stakes his claim to unanimously winning SEC Coach of the Year.  All of a sudden that Iron Bowl doesn't look like a sure thing for Alabama.

War Eagle - 34

Hunker Down - 21

Alabama at Mississippi State

Stanford at Southern Cal

The college football gods threw us a bone, giving GatorNation not one, but TWO somewhat compelling games to watch while South Carolina makes UF their prison bitch.  I'll be watching Stanford-USC, just to see Ed Orgeron get interviewed.  Alabama-MSU won't be nearly as entertaining.

Tide - 31

MSU - 14

Trojans - 24

Stanford - 21

Be good.

eG

Big ups to Chad B...thanks buddy!