Wednesday, September 19, 2012

eViL G's Weekly Picks - September 22 Edition

"Come at the king, you best not miss." -Omar Little

Greetings from Dwight Howard’s former home.  Hate Week is over two months away, so I'll hold my comments about Dwight for now.

But I do I need to get something off my chest.  I’m taking ridiculous heat from many of you for picking UF to lose at Tennessee.  Now if you’ve followed me all the way back to the days of BellSouth, unlimited Marriott Rewards Points and a distinguishable hairline, are you surprised?  My picks have consistently sucked ass since the mid 90s.  Who knew Jeff Driskel was the second coming after only one start?  If you expect me to be right all the time…well, that would make you the exact opposite of my ex-wife.

Just be glad the reverse mojo worked two weeks in a row, because it rarely happens, and I'm picking UF to beat Kentucky.  I didn’t expect Florida to win, let alone Tennessee playing dead in the 4th quarter, so I picked accordingly.  But hey, I was right about Trey Burton and Jordan Reed contributing on offense.  If you turkeys can’t at least acknowledge that and give me a little credit…well, that would make you exactly like my ex-wife.

Like Omar Little once told Brother Mouzone, “Worrying about you is like worrying about whether or not the sun’s gonna come up.”  The same holds true for my weekly picks, unless of course you have no idea who Omar Little or Brother Mouzone are.  The Wire…Season 4….Episode 9. 

The weekly picks are for entertainment purposes only. 

I feel a theme coming on….


Akron at Tennessee
Like Bunny Colvin and Hamsterdam, Tennessee’s distorted, but well-intended view of reality came to an untimely end, at the hands of a familiar foe.  For Bunny Colvin, it was his overbearing commanding officer Major Rawles (boo).  For Tennessee, it was the dreaded Florida Gators (yay).  Yes, that’s another reference from The Wire.  What was most troubling about the Vols' disappearing act was Tyler Bray going mental while the game was still in question, not to mention that Tennessee’s defense still is not comfortable with its new scheme.  Then there’s Derek Dooley…hoo time passes it becomes apparent he’s about as competent at coaching big boy football as Ziggy Sopotka was selling drugs in Baltimore...Season 2.  But like Bubbles in Season 5, Tennessee recovers, finding its way out of the basement to dine on a cupcake.
Vols – 31
F Lebron and His Hometown – 7

Missouri at South Carolina
The new kid on the block goes up against the second-newest kid on the block.  This game has a lifetime undercard feel to it.  Take any scene from The Wire involving Herc and Carver for instance.  By and large those two cops were insignificant in the big picture, and they were known to screw up the easiest assignments.  Expectations were not very high.  Carver did get a promotion, if for no other reason he was the only option worth a damn (see also South Carolina's SEC East title two years ago).  South Carolina takes its next step up the divisional ladder before being busted back to traffic duty by Georgia in a few weeks.
Gamecocks - 24
Tigers - 20

Kentucky at Florida
After Omar got capped by little Kinard at the convenience store, Marlo Stanfield said to Chris and Snoop, "It's a good day to get back out on them corners."  Gator Nation is happy to be back in familiar surroundings too, in The Swamp against an overmatched opponent.  And it definitely won't be a 40 degree day...
Orange & Blue - 48
Just Blue - 14

LSU at Auburn
My wife cried when Omar and Brother Mouzone killed Stringer Bell.  Like most women, she found him attractive, in spite of being a ruthless drug dealer who killed innocent people and ruined the lives of countless others.  Likewise, I was nearly moved to tears when Cam Newton tranformed himself from a career backup at UF to Superman at Auburn.  Gene Chizik is probably shedding a tear too...since Cam left The Plains, Auburn has been downright mediocre, and after Saturday night LSU will have another 85,000 Auburn fans crying in their toilet paper.
Geaux - 34
War - 13

Michigan at Notre Dame
Notre Dame and Michigan are like the Barksdale crew.  Historically significant, still garnering a measure of respect in the game, but not nearly as powerful as they used to be...and you can find better much product elsewhere.  Prop Joe can point you in the right direction for all that.  Notre Dame wins a close one at home.
Irish - 27
Wolverines - 24

Clemson at Florida State
FSU is relevant again, and the winner of this game gets a huge leg up on the A She She title.  Being the top dog in the ACC is like that house where Wee Bay's baby mama and Namond lived.  It was the most beautiful ghetto fabulous house in the worst part of town.  And nobody outside of that neighborhood cared about the damn house.

ACC jokes aside, FSU looks as good as it did in the 1990s...and with the exception on Clemson, the rest of the conference looks just as bad.  Since Gameday will be in our state's capital, it's only fitting we have the Honorable Senator Clay Davis chime in on Clemson's chances of beating FSU on the road.

Noles - 45
Tigers - 18

Be good.

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